January 28th, 2012
Small town
January 26th, 2012
Multi-use
For years the bathroom has been a multi-use location. The majority of people use it to take care of the three s’s – shit, shower and shave, but there are some, like Larry Craig, who use the loo to do more than poo.
There are the people in my office who use it as an opportunity to try to lift people’s self-esteem by putting motivational thoughts on the door, “You just keep pushing. You just keep pushing. I made every mistake that could be made. But I just keep pushing (Rene Descartes).” There are the people at the clubs who use it to do to blow or to blow someone.
And then there are the boys who, while using it for it’s intended purpose, are often assessing and comparing each other’s junk. “You’re pretty small,” Ice Cream Man told Frat Boy after he showed us the way to guesstimate a man’s length (look at the span between their thumb and their pinky). “Not fair, I was flacid. I’m seriously big. I know a guy who is 6’4″ with a size seven shoe. What’s up with that?” Frat Boy replied. “Not much is up with that. I was with a pro basketball player once. He was big, but he wasn’t big,” I advised. “He did give her about ten pounds of meat though,” Ice Cream Man proudly shared.
It’s true. He was moving to another state and didn’t want to transport his freezer items so he gave me his meat, literally.
January 25th, 2012
Playing the part
No Onions has never been to my neck of the woods….until now. She came in town for Sundance because her company decided to sponsor an event and invited me and my friends to join in the festivities. I invited several friends, however, being that it was a school night only a few were able to join me.
As a result, me, I Was A Stripper and Skiwi headed to Sundance to grace others with our presence. Skiwi was fully prepared, “I’m wearing a black golf cap, a scarf, and I’ve got the glasses I wear in interviews to make me look smart. Damn, I forgot my bluetooth. People at Sundance like to walk around with their bluetooth.”
We arrived to find No Onions and her friends waiting for us at the bar. After a long period of assessing the alcohol, I ordered a top shelf margarita. “You could have just ordered a margarita,” No Onions told me and added, “Our parties are only top shelf, thus, the top shelf is implied.”
From that point forward, I just ordered a margarita. Skiwi, who was donning his glasses and enjoying free beers, was pleased to find the swag for the evening was a small speaker. He and I Was A Stripper immediately placed our swag in her purse and then he confided in me, “I have zero peripheral vision in these glasses, but I look good. It’s all about playing the part.” He then preceded to act like he was “an important producer talking movie deals on the phone” while I Was A Stripper and I scanned the party for celebrities.
Although we didn’t find any celebrities (to our knowledge), we were quite surprised to find 50 Cent underneath the seat cushion. We, of course, took a picture to prove to our friends that we saw 50 cent (in the form of two quarters) at Sundance.
January 24th, 2012
Dirty girl not so Common
Taking S-Unit’s advice, I opted to be a dirty (unshowered) girl on the first day of the Chinese New Year. This happened to be the same day that I, again, met up with MyFace, NYF From NYC and Bobby’s Girl to participate in the Sundance Film Festival.
MyFace and her friends are, hands down, far more posh than I will ever be. Thus, seeing the ratted mat atop my head was most likely not pleasing to their posh eyes. “I didn’t wash my hair today because of the Chinese New Year. Should help prevent or reduce bad luck,” I told MyFace as we waited in the loo queue and, as luck would have it, it moved very quickly. Without even looking at my hair, she quickly replied, “Huh.”
Once inside the theater, and while MyFace, NYF From NYC and Bobby’s Girl were pointing out the celebrities among us, I was checking out all of the people who will most likely have bad luck this year. The dirty girl look was really not so common at this event. “Who is that guy? Who is that girl? Do you think they’re famous? They’re having people take their picture, should we be taking their picture,” MyFace asked. I really recognize no one. There are individuals with whom I have worked with for years and, yes, they look familiar, but, no, I don’t know their name. Thus, asking me these questions is fruitless.
The film started and it was quickly confirmed that there really were quite a few celebrities among us. For example, Danny Glover, Dennis Haysbert and Common. Did I recognize any of these individuals? No, not really. Like so many of my coworkers, they look familiar and I’m sure I know them from somewhere, but I really can’t provide a definitive response as to how/why. I will say I did recognize one thing right away: Common is hot. Wonder if he likes dirty girls.
January 23rd, 2012
Take note
With Chinese New Year upon us, I Was A Stripper and I began discussing resolutions and new year changes. “You know it’s the year of the dragon,” I advised her and added, “Almost time to put your rabbit away.” “I don’t have a rabbit. I’ve got something with a trunk. I think it’s a hummingbird,” she told me while searching online for a new year new job. Last I checked, hummingbirds have beaks, not trunks.
Speaking of hummingbirds, poor Bobby’s Girl was advised by her doctor to get a B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) and, one year later – as the year of the rabbit is coming (pun intended) to an end, she still doesn’t own one. “Really? You don’t have one?” I asked her. “No. I know, I know, I should get one,” she humbly replied. “Like your doctor said, ‘Use it or lose it,’” MyFace told her. “Well, this may sound weird, but ever since MyFace told me that story, whenever I use mine I think of you,” I told Bobby’s Girl. I’ve no doubt she took note of that comment.
As I Was A Stripper and I continued to peruse job openings, we found the ideal position, ‘Note Taker.’ The description was just as good as the job title, ‘This individual will be expected to take notes.’ “Better make note of that job,” I advised her. She hadn’t wasted any time and was already applying for the position. “Speaking of taking note, S-Unit advised me against washing my hair on Chinese New Year. Apparently it is considered bad luck,” I advised her. Per several online sites, washing, cutting your hair and showering are all believed to be bad luck – doing so washes/cuts away one’s prosperity.
With this year being the year of the dragon, I’ve no doubt it will be packed with good luck and fortune. For starters, my coworkers will have the good fortune of working with my unshowered, perhaps stinky, ass. I Was A Stripper is in luck because she has the elephant trunk hummingbird – hummingphant? – and doesn’t have to worry about the fact that the year of the rabbit is over. In addition, she is eating well.
She decided to start the year with a can of tuna and, because this Chinese New Year is a prosperous one, offered some to me, “You want some of my tuna?” I respectfully declined and, several minutes after she ate the tuna, I caught her sniffing the air around her. When she couldn’t pin down the scent or cause, she bent over, sniffed her crotch, and then sniffed her fingers. It was at this point that she had both ‘found the source’ and noticed me watching. “Smell my fingers. They smell like tuna. I can’t take notes with tuna smelling fingers,” she told me. I Was A Stripper may want to take her chances with luck and shower today.
January 22nd, 2012
Red Box. White Box.
I go to classy places. For Bruiser’s birthday, On My Terms, So Hip and I took her to one of the best garlic burger joints, with carpeted walls, in the city. If you’re drinking in a bar with non-carpeted walls, you’re not really drinking. Sure, the maintenance is awkward, but who doesn’t love carpeted walls?
A few hours after drinking and gossiping (the latter is very good for your health according to a University of California, Berkeley, study) with these fine ladies, I joined I Was A Stripper and The Leaver for dinner and strip club festivities.
The first strip club we stopped by was in the middle of calendar autographs. Yawn. Been there, done that. So, we headed to a different strip club – a strip club where the songs were from the 80s and played on a jukebox.
Being the classy person I am, I asked the server/bouncer, “What are your house wines?” He replied, “Red box and white box.” “I’ll take the red box,” I Was A Stripper told him then leaned my way and said, “Like a period.”
I also opted for the red. Like my thinking, I occasionally prefer do my drinking out of the box.
January 21st, 2012
Missing kitten
While tooling around town with The Leaver and I Was A Stripper, I noticed a sign by the park that read, “MISSING KITTEN,” and then provided details about the kitten. “Why doesn’t anyone put up signs that read ‘MISSING PUSSY’ or ‘LOST BITCH’? I might be more inclined to help find them if they were worded differently. I might start putting up signs like that,” I said.
“When I was a kid my cat was named Pussy,” The Leaver advised us. “That explains a lot,” I Was A Stripper quipped. “Did you ever go outside and start calling for it? ‘Pussy, Pussy, Pussy. Come here Pussy, Pussy, Pussy,’” I called out and added, “I’m totally pretending I have a cat called Pussy. Gives the phrase ‘cat calling’ a whole new meaning. First thing tomorrow I am going to open the door and start calling for her. I may even call out for her tonight.”
“Meow, meow, meow. Stop looking, I’m right here. Meow,” I Was A Stripper purred from the backseat.
January 20th, 2012
Next year: flask
Going to Sundance Film Festival with MyFace and Q has become a bit of a tradition. We usually start at MyFace’s place with a nice drink of wine or a fancy mimosa, and then we head to Park City for movies and dining. MyFace is a bit more organized and responsible than I, so she usually selects the film, buys the tickets, and makes dinner reservations. She also takes my keys and, occasionally, my ID. She said she takes the latter so I don’t lose it. I think she takes it so I can use a fake name should I end up chatting with law enforcement.
Prior to arriving at MyFace’s, Q had told me she was in need of some floss and figured I would have some in my purse. I did, however, forgot to find it right when she asked. So, a few minutes into my driving, she said, “Alright, let’s get to it. Where’s your flask?” I looked at her in shock. Was she accusing me of having a flask? Better yet, what a great idea – we should have packed a flask. Turns out, she said ‘floss,’ not ‘flask,’ and so I dug through my flask-free purse to find her the floss.
As we shared this story with MyFace and her friends, they agreed that SFF is definitely a BYOF event and that, with all of the paparazzi about, it is best to also have floss so as not to find pictures of us, on TMZ and the like, with food in our teeth.
About 45 minutes into the film, MyFace whispered to me, “This is a true Sundance film. I’m really going to need a drink of wine when this is over.” “I could use one right now,” I replied. A few seconds later, NYF From NYC leaned my way and said, “Next year: flask.”