Category: blog

Girls can be pretty catty, so I consider myself quite fortunate that I have so many amazing female friends. In fact, I was just telling this to Nude Model at lunch while catching up. “I have a really great group of friends – really great. We’re not catty. If we have an issue we deal with it….or Oreggano and I deal with it. And, to top it off, we’re all hot,” I told him. “I can see that,” he replied.

 

So when Live Longer suggested a bunch of us go to New York for the weekend, we (Beaner, Oreggano, Sleepless, Big Bounty and I) were all over it. We made our reservations, several of us arriving and departing at different times, and started planning. Drag clubs, pubs, parks, Turkish baths, we intended to do as much as New York had to offer. Then, it hit. Hurricane Sandy.

 

Not to fret, she was in and out of there like a bad one-night stand – leaving New York in the dark with nothing but questions, injuries, diseases, and a lot to clean up.

 

One week later, just days away from our departure date, Athena decided to stop by. Athena, really? This may sound catty, but who invited her? Not to be upstaged by Sandy, she threatened to do some major damage. New York City, not wanting to experience what they did with Sandy, took precautions. As a result, our flight was canceled and rescheduled – twice. Beaner was starting to get anxious and wondered if we should reschedule. Live Longer and I poured a glass (or two) of wine, enjoyed the hold music, and took our chances with several airline representatives until we had new reservations, departing almost 12 hours later than planned – allowing us to sleep in a bit and spend more time in the Sky Club. So watch out NYC, because Seismic Six is about to hit!

It has been forever since I’ve seen Mini Sparkle Donut’s brother, so the two of us decided to grab lunch. Lunch started the way it should with anyone who hasn’t seen each other for some time (anywhere from two weeks to ten years or more). As I was a few blocks from the restaurant, I saw him standing outside. Our eyes met, we smiled, and started an open-armed, slow and dramatic run toward each other, embracing each other warmly upon contact. This scene is good for both onlookers and the parties directly involved.

 

While at lunch we caught up on family, relationships, current events, spank banks, and all of the other standard topics discussed with friends. “The last time I saw you was when you rearended my mom and I in the Avenues,” he told me. “I did? Shit. I wonder whose car I was driving,” I replied and asked, “Why did I do that?” “To get our attention.” “Guess it worked,” I said.

 

Being that we had such a good time at lunch, and that it had been so long since we’d been together, we opted to keep the momentum going and stop at a coffee shop for more time together.  We continued to discuss current events and I told him about the art class I take with Sleepless and others. “If you ever need a nude model, let me know. I’ve got Adamesque abs and woman legs,” he told me. “I have a feeling the girls might like that idea,” I replied.

 

After several hours together, we parted ways, but not without a proper goodbye. “I’m so glad I got to see you,” I told him as we hugged. “I’m glad I got to see you too. You’ve always been like a sister to me – the kind you want to have an incestuous relationship with,” he replied. I giggled, kissed him goodbye, and told him I looked forward to seeing him again soon, preferably nude, at the art class.

Packing for vacation is a very important task, which is why I usually save it for last (minute). Being that I am working up until I head out of town, I actually had to pack outside of my normal routine.

 

As I do with most vacations, I checked the weather in an attempt to determine attire. Although we may have one day of rain, the rest of the trip will be ‘sunny,’ abundantly sunny,’ and ‘partly sunny and delightful.’ I’m not sure I’ve ever been a part of an abundantly sunny day, but I am very much looking forward to experiencing it and hope I look cute.

 

Luckily, S-Unit was available to assist with wardrobe decisions. “You’ll definitely want a hat, gloves and a long warm coat. I’m watching the election crowd in Times Square as we speak so I can tell you what they’re wearing,” she told  me. “Looks like they’re wearing beanies, jackets that cover their asses and binoculars,” she said, giggled, and added, “You might want to take binoculars. There, you’re packed.”

 

 

 

That’s Not Chinese was in need of some cheering up and invited me to stop by after work. What neither of us realized, however, was the negative news I was going to receive right before leaving work. Our HR department has been revising our on-call policy and finally presented it to management team. The revision: zero alcohol consumption if one is on-call. Being that I am on-call 24/7, this is an issue. “Any chance we can make an exception for me?” I asked HR and my boss. “Seriously. I’ve got several more years before I can retire and it’s bad enough that we can’t drink at work. Doesn’t anyone watch Mad Men? And now I can’t ever drink? Really?” Might be time to brush up my resume.

 

The timing of this policy is ironic considering the study Tree just shared with us, which finds people who drink more are smarter than their non-drinking, not so smart, counterparts. But who needs data to prove a point? Smart, drinking people, that’s who. Clearly, the people who made this policy do not drink.

 

“That reminds me,” That’s Not Chinese told me, “Don’t forget you can’t go to the liquor store on election day.” “Pretty sure they changed that law,” I told her while enjoying what may very well be my last supper – red wine, macaroni and cheese, and corn dogs. “Gotta love comfort food and wine,” she said and took a drink. “Damn alcohol rules and policies. Let me check my source about election day,” I said.  I sent my source a message which read, “Do I need to go shopping tonight or will certain stores be open tomorrow?” My source replied, “All liquor stores are open tomorrow, regular hours. Perhaps we should get keys made for our ‘best’ customers?” I love smart people and definitely plan to rely on the wisdom of several smart and well known people to make it through both this policy and this election:

 

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” – Ernest Hemingway

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” – Benjamin Franklin

“There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.” – Chelsea Handler

 

I have a sneaking suspicion a few people in my office have sticker collections.

 

 

I’d like to think that I’m pretty in tune with people’s sexual orientation. Most recently, however, I realized it may be time to fork tune my gaydar.

 

While at a winemaking class with Oreggano and BioMom, we met a group of men in town from New York and invited them back to the stoop. We felt this was a safe decision because we assumed they were gay. The decision was safe, but as it turns out, they’re not gay. “What has happened to our gaydar?” Oreggano asked. “Clearly, it’s broken,” I replied.

 

A couple weeks later we were hanging with Tree and told him we need to go to more gay bars with him. “Why?” he asked. “Our gaydar appears to be broken,” Oreggano advised him and then told him about the guys, not gays, we invited back to the stoop. “What straight guys go out together for wine?” Tree asked. “Right?!?!” Orreggano agreed. “They were dressed nice too. Drank wine, nice dressers, friendly, just a bunch of guys together on a Friday night,” I said. “I’m telling you, metrosexuals are ruining the world,” Tree stated. “It’s a good thing they were nice or we might have been tied up in the basement and left for dead,” Oreggano said. “Instead, we just wound up in the basement with them trying on costumes,” I replied. “See? Totally broken,” Oreggano told Tree. Definitely time for a fork tune so we’ll have a better idea that someone is into show tunes….or not.

Tailgating is a very popular American pastime. So popular, that people spend thousands of dollars on equipment – motorhomes, barbecues, TVs, chairs, food and alcohol – in an attempt to have the best tailgate party on the lot. According to Wikipedia, “many people participate even if their vehicles do not have tailgates.” Sounds like me and Oreggano, however, they neglected to include one tiny detail: not only do we participate sans tailgate, we participate regardless of whether or not we know the owners at the lot.

 

We pride ourselves in perusing the tailgate lot and enjoying shots, beverages and food with people we’ve never met and will most likely never see again. We enjoy the concessions even more once all of the tailgaters have gone to the game. Nothing beats sitting in somebody’s lawn chair, drinking their beer and listening to a distant crowd cheer. When I arrived to join Oreggano, Sleepless and Ice Cream Man for this weekend’s party, they advised me, “We’re out of vodka.” By ‘we,’ they meant the tailgate party we were currently commandeering. A few minutes later, Sleepless had a solution, “Vodka bottle, two spots down, unoccupied.”

 

We enjoyed a few more beverages and then headed to Live Longer’s for a post-tailgate party cocktail. Cocktail quickly moved from singular to plural and a few hours later we cleaning carpets (not a euphemism) and singing 80s songs. Live Longer shared a story about someone who thought the Bee Gees song, More Than A Woman, was actually Bonano Woman. This sparked a discussion about misunderstood lyrics. “I can help decipher. I’m a certified teacher,” Live Longer’s husband, Certified Teacher advised. We were glad he was there to help. Without him, we’re just tailgating desperados. Why don’t we come to our senses? We’ve been outright offensive for so long now.

 

 

After a weekend of debauchery, we decided to take it easy on Halloween. Both Sleepless and I decided to go out on a limb and cook something, so we figured dressing up as domestic goddesses would be both fitting and effortless.

 

I grabbed my best muumuu – complete with front zipper and pockets – put my hair in rollers, grabbed a cigarette butt out of the ashtray, applied a facial mask, poured a glass of wine and let the domesticating begin.

 

Sleepless grabbed her Bettie Page wig, jeans, a sweatshirt, and then accessorized with an apron – the perfect outfit for baking, drinking and responding to tricking or treating. “We brought these for the party,” she told me and handed over a pumpkin full of sparklers and glow sticks. This Halloween dinner just got crazy.

 

Live Longer joined us, however, it was a last minute decision, so she didn’t come in costume. We encouraged her, though not much encouragement was required, to apply a facial mask and don a bathrobe for the photo shoot (a must with us). Ice Cream Man, though not in our ‘big’ photo shoot, wore a ball cap with a kitten on it as his costume. We’re all naturals when it comes to costumes so, in a sense, there really is no need for us to ‘dress up.’

 

As dusk passed, the trick or treaters continued to get older and older. Two boys, probably in their early teens, stopped by and, with the exception of their fedoras, did not appear to be in costume. “Nice fedoras,” I told them. “I’m life and he’s lemons. Together, we’re lemonade,” one of the boys said while proudly pointing to the writing on their t-shirts that read ‘life’ and ‘lemons.’ “Clever. I didn’t dress up,” I replied, cigarette butt hanging from my mouth and drink in my hand. “That was clever,” Sleepless commented and added, “We may have to be that next year.”

Sleepless has been in the market for a new job for some time. Most recently, she applied to work for the federal government. As was expected, she was offered the job. As was not entirely expected, the background check process is both lengthy and intense. Part of the process includes speaking with people who have known her while residing at specific addresses within the past ten years. Thus, she had no choice but to include me on the list.

 

I received the call from the investigator requesting to meet, same day, at my office. I agreed, looked around my office – specifically at the ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ banner across my window, and decided I was good to go.

 

The investigator arrived, quickly flashed me her badge, and I invited her up to my office. As we approached I gave her fair warning, “My office is freezing. So cold, they issued us blankets.” She provided no reply, rather, stepped into my office like she had been there before and shut the door to ensure privacy.

 

She wasted no time asking questions, many of which were date specific. “I’m horrible with dates,” I told her and added, “That’s why I’m single.” No response. I can only imagine working a comedy club at a federal facility. Staying on task, she continued with the questions. “What does she like to do in her free time?” “Travel, spend time with family, karaoke,” I replied. “I’ve heard the latter from several people,” she said in complete monotone, noted my reply, and then asked, “Does she gamble?” “No. Well, I guess does. She is friends with me, which is kind of a gamble,” I replied. Again, nothing.

 

We finished the interview, she shook my hand and said, “You’re right, your office is freezing.” “I speak the truth,” I told her. Hopefully she’ll add that to her notes.

Every now and again, I try and workout. I mainly do this to justify recent purchases of cute ‘active’ wear. I occasionally do it, however, when I get a really good price on a membership. For example, I currently pay $30/year for a 24-hour membership. Being that I go once or twice a year with FatGirl, that seems like a great price.

 

Recently, Live Longer advised Sleepless and I of an opportunity to take Pilates with her at a very discounted price. Always down for a good deal, we did it. Once in class Live Longer told us the main reason she likes reformer, “I love it because I can exercise while laying down. It’s great.” “Yes, yes it is,” Sleepless coyly quipped.

 

The next night, MiniMe invited me to attend Zumba with her. Being that I was on a bit of a roll (fat roll, that is), I agreed to do so. I decided to do a little pre-cardio by raking the leaves. While doing so, I got surprise visits from Alice and That’s Not Chinese. Wanting to be a good hostess, I offered them a glass of wine. “Aren’t you going to exercise soon?” Alice asked. “Yes, but don’t the scientists recommend a glass of wine a day for the heart? This is fuel for my heart. Seems very appropriate pre-cardio,” I replied.

 

A few minutes late my neighbor joined us. As usual, I had her beer ready and waiting. “You are way too good to me,” she told me and added, “Let me know when you’re ready to go on Match.com, I’ll write your profile for you.”

 

Three things that were good for my heart in less than one hour. Can’t beat that.

Sometimes people ask us personal questions and we are at a loss as to why they inquire. The other night, for example, the man in the muumuu, who is not yet ready to be referred to as MuuMuu Man because he is holding out for ‘something really good,’ kept asking if I had a two year old child. I kept advising him I did not and wondered why he was asking. “Are you sure?” he asked. “Yes, I’m sure,” I replied.

 

A few days later, as I was cleaning, I figured out why he was asking. Throughout my house were tons of toys, sippy cups and pictures of Baby Q. If that wasn’t enough to make one think I had a child, I also own a blanket with pictures of her all over it – a gift from her and Q one year. “He probably thinks the state has custody,” I thought to myself. Oh well. I know the truth. I don’t have a two-year-old. Not this weekend, anyway.