Hearsexual

There are some moments, visuals and bacterias that are best not shared or ‘regifted.’

Sleepless just returned from Las Vegas where she experienced many moments and visuals. In an attempt to cleanse her mind of them, she shared them with Progressive and I at lunch. “I told you, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except the STDs,” Progressive reminded her.

There are a couple of things that tend to be recession proof: weeds, obesity and STDs. Fortunately, the latter is a souvenir Sleepless did not bring back from Vegas. “Ugh, thanks,” she told Progressive. “I may not have STDs, but I’ve got some pretty nasty visuals.” “Just visuals, right? No audio?” I queried. “Yes, just visuals,” she replied.

We’ve all been there. Sharing a room with someone while on holiday or living in a place with thin walls and hearing the person in the other bed, room, apartment, et cetera, having sex with someone. Or, perhaps, just enjoying their alone time – it is the year of the Rabbit. “These types of things should only occur when one is in their teens or when they are a senior with impaired hearing and sight.” If you are into that, good on you. I, however, am not hearsexual. Hearing sex does not do anything for me. I remember living in a three story condo and hearing the woman above me having sex and the man below me snoring. I remember thinking, “This is bullshit. Two reminders of what I’m not getting: sex or sleep.”

Sleepless continued with her Vegas stories and advised us she “felt so dirty, that one day I took two showers.” “Speaking of showers,” I interjected, “I got a shower chair for Mini Me. My sister loaned it to me.” “Why did she have a shower chair?” Sleepless asked. “Not sure,” I replied and added, “That’s one of the those questions that will most likely never get asked. Like your Vegas trip, there are some things we wish didn’t know.”