I think it is fair to say my relations with my family are pretty normal considering the circumstances which, as I’m learning from oxygen and Lifetime, aren’t so rare. Unfortunately, this bit of knowledge does not make the obligatory gatherings any easier.
Recently, we gathered to celebrate Mia Mamma’s birthday at a barbecue joint and, as we contemplated meat platters, Beaner and I also discussed ordering wine. When we learned our oldest sister was also interested in a glass we decided to order a bottle. “A bottle? You’re both driving,” Mia Mamma – an uninformed, non-imbiber – said. “I just took an Ativan, so I’ll be fine,” my oldest sister replied.
The server approached to take our order and we asked about platter size. She convinced us that the medium sized platter was ‘huge,’ so we ordered it and a salad to share. Contestant #56, my middle sister who maintains a contestant status body, opted to order her own salad. The small ‘medium’ platter arrived with a small salad and two small potato sides. “This isn’t the first time someone has told me their meat platter was huge,” I quipped. “Size does matter,” Beaner said and we ordered a few more sides to share.
As the night went on, so did the jokes about meat and Mia Mamma made a confession, “I watched Deep Throat years ago.” “Does dad know?” I asked. “No. I shouldn’t have told you guys,” she replied. We were able to guess with whom (neighbor ladies) she watched it and informed her we were well aware of her one Playgirl magazine (Christmas issue); which we figure she got from one of those naughty neighbor ladies. Within seconds Mia Mamma began housekeeping – quickly sweeping her confessions under the rug.
When the bill arrived Mia Mamma was concerned we might make Contestant #56 pay for the wine, “She shouldn’t have to pay for it – she didn’t drink it.” “True, but we only bought it because we had to spend time with her,” I said. Even though I knew I was joking, I also knew I better be clear about that with them, “Just kidding. We’re not going to make her pay for the wine, but we’re also not paying for her salad.”
In the end, Beaner and I ended up paying for the bulk of the bill in an attempt to make others comfortable. Sometimes, however, even when eating comfort food, people remain quite uncomfortable.