Fulghum was wrong

In 1988, Robert Fulghum published a New York Times bestseller, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. Two decades later, people are still buying his book and affirming, “Robert Fulghum offers some uncommon insights on everyday occurances,” (quote from A Customer on Amazon). Nice work Robert and, yes, I know occurrences is spelled wrong, but that confirms my theory: I (and A Customer) didn’t learn all I really need to know in kindergarten.

 

I remember a couple of things from kindergarten – naps, milk, crackers and holiday decorations on the windows. I don’t recall much else. Thankfully, Robert’s book reminds me of what I should have learned – share everything, don’t hit others, play fair, flush, put things back where you found them, and we all die.

 

Today, over three decades since I’ve attended kindergarten, I learned a few more things. FatGirl was talking about dating prospects and told me, “I would love to go to prison for a while. There are some really hot straight guys in there and that is the only time I’ll ever have the chance to date them.” Later, when Tree and I were talking about a song sung by every kindergarteners favorite musical artist, Ke$ha, FatGirl said, “Speaking of, I don’t know if I had butt sex or if a chocolate covered pretzel melted in my bed, but…” I never would have learned either of these things in kindergarten.

 

Keeping in the learning mode, I attended a holiday party with Not So Little Man and his cousin. Many of the people at the party were in the medical field and began discussing common occurrences at the emergency department. “You can’t believe what we see up people’s butts – Eucerin Creme, summer squash, shampoo bottles. We even place bets on the brand of shampoo. Aussie almost always wins.” The conversation continued – I, of course, shared the story of Quagmire the Farting Ventriloquist – and they said, “It’s always straight, usually married, guys who end up in the ER. Gay guys can handle that kind of activity because their assholes are looser.” This is important knowledge that would never be taught in kindergarten.

 

That said, Fulghum was definitely right about one thing, “It wasn’t in books. It wasn’t in a church. What I needed to know was out there in the world.” Or, in my case, gay bars and holiday parties.

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