Month: October 2013

There are many times I will share information as factual without having the “scientific data” (shout out to Rusty Rogue Rafael) to back it up.

 

For example, I believe sex is not the first thing to go in a relationship. Rather, I think it is kissing. I’ve shared my hypothesis with others and most agree. If you’ve been in a relationship for a while you know what I’m talking about. Sex often becomes somewhat ‘routine’ as time goes on. You wake up, he has a hard on, intercourse occurs. Is there foreplay? Kissing? Not often. Just intercourse. In fact, sometimes it is very one-sided sex. As Tree told me today, “It’s only S & M if both parties enjoy it. Otherwise, it’s just called being an asshole.”

 
Alas, you can imagine my surprise when I was reading NPR today and learned Rafael Wlodarski, a graduate student at the University of Oxford, had recently published a study specific to kissing. Basically, he found relationships were better if there was more kissing. More sex, on the other hand, did not warrant a better relationship.

 

Apparently, even though plenty of odors arise as a result of sex, face-to-face contact allows us a more intimate sense of one’s odor. This act is likened to dogs sniffing each other out; kissing helps us to have a better idea about compatibility and, most of the time, just feels good.

 

So, if you want a long-term relationship, keep your lip gloss and Binaca close by, tilt your head, purse your lips and get ready to experience a sensory overload. xoxox

I used to think I didn’t have an addiction to anything. With the exception of getting caught up in a series for a day or two, there isn’t much I can’t not do. That is, unless I’m at an auction.

 

Whether silent or live, one of my favorite things to do is drive the price. I’m not one to hover. In fact, that is probably my one and only auction pet peeve and if I see someone hovering I will definitely outbid them. You know these types. They’re the people who block the auction item, pretending not to notice your interest, and when you do make it to the item and place a bid, they immediately return to hovering stance and bid again.

 

My all-time favorite part of an auction is the live auction. No hovering can take place here and, if you want to be in the game, you best have at least one good arm. Fortunately, I do.

 

As tonight’s auction – for the kid makers – started I stretched, took a sip of my wine, and threw ‘387’ high into the air. Within the first five minutes I had purchased $40 worth of restaurant gift cards for the amazing price of $150. What was my interest? The fundraiser, of course, and the fact that someone else really wanted it. Clearly they didn’t want it that bad. The bidding continued and I got in on an item my neighbor was bidding on. She eventually bid on top of her on bid. “Did you just outbid yourself” I asked. “Absolutely! I want it!” she replied. Sadly, someone besides me continued to outbid her.

 

Toward the end of the night people were all bid out and money was still needed for the great cause so I kept on bidding and, following my neighbor’s lead, began outbidding myself. My work did not go unnoticed, “You’ve been a hard bidder all night, let’s give this one to you for $75,” the auctioneer announced. I don’t recall what the item was but it doesn’t matter. What matters is a bunch of single women/moms will now have a little more support. When it isn’t for the kids it is for the kids makers. A little change for change goes a long way.

 

 

As of late, and by late I mean late at night, I haven’t been sleeping. This isn’t really anything new for me. My body has been on a graveyard shift for years. I blame zeitgebers and you would too if you knew what they were.

 

Apparently, lack of sleep is related to one’s circadian rhythm, which can also affect hormones, temperature, weight and mood. Luckily, when I don’t sleep, I don’t get moody. That said, I can’t guarantee I don’t have crazy hormones or extreme temperatures. As for my weight, well, ask my pants.

 

When I found out about this circadian rhythm business I did what I often do – tried to find the positive. The positive in this case is the fact that I can now actually claim to have rhythm. Some, like FatGirl, might argue this point and I might consider arguing back, but I prefer to pick on people my own size and with similar zietgebers.

So, for now, I’ll just continue to focus on my new found rhythm and hope to soon experience an instrumental break.

 

A while back Tree and I heard Fortune Feimster was coming to town. “We should go!” we both said. Then, we had another glass a wine and continued on with our lives.

 

Fortune eventually came to town and we went to the venue, but it was strictly by chance. As William Shakespeare once said, “Fortune brings in some boats that are not steered.” By the time we finally got our boats pointed in the right direction and arrived at the venue, Fortune had already performed. We decided to focus on the here and the now, which was  dancing on stage.

 

After a while, I pulled Sleepless from the stage and we headed to the loo where I did what I often do – failed to lock the stall door. As a result, someone attempted to come in. As I exited, the girl who accidentally walked in on me stepped back and allowed Fortune to dart in. As Laurence J. Peter once said, “Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.”

 

As we returned to our stage, on which we had pretty much claimed eminent domain, we shared the loo story with Tree. “I know she is a comedian, but that was kind of a joke,” I told him and then continued to dance. Truth be told, I was just being a dick. I really didn’t care that Fortune bypassed the loo line; that’s definitely something I would do if I could. I just wish I had arrived in time to hear her tell jokes instead of  being in the loo in time to hear her pee. I guess that’s just my misfortune.

Rusty Rogue Rafael is one of those people who falls head over heels in love and then falls flat on his head when the relationship dissolves.

 

In response to a recent breakup, he has been changing his look a bit lately and informed me, “I like to mix things up form time to time. Usually when I’m single.” I replied, “I love to mix things up. Especially when I’m single.” “You’re usually single, right?” was his reply.

 

He then went on to tell me about his new addiction. “Its “ing. Can’t stop it. I’m “ing all the time. Even in real life.” “You’re quoting?” I asked. “Yea, but literally. I keep “ing. For real. When I’m talking with people, to not quote as such, but quite often just to emphasize my point.”

 

“Nice. So you say stuff like, ‘I ain’t hittin’ shit lately,'” I asked. “Yeah. ‘Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in,'” he quoted. “I love this! It’s like Lucille Bluth. Sure wish I was quoting with you,” I told him. “Just say ‘no.’ No to quoting. It’s a gateway man…..trust me,” he advised.

 

I opted against “trusting” him and began “ing with some of my friends. Being that I’m “usually single,” I figured I could risk “mixing things up” for a bit.

The other night, while avoiding average, I saw a story about George Clooney, James Woods and other ‘Hollywood types’ dating women much younger than them. For example, Woods is 66 and his girlfriend is 20. A  four, nearly five, decade difference. His girlfriend isn’t even old enough to legally drink alcohol with him. Fortunately, for Woods, anyone can drink Metamucil.

 

A few days after observing this machismo mayhem I attended a celebration for residents over 100 years of age. As I entered the venue one of my coworkers asked, “Are you here because you’re looking for a boyfriend?” “Am I in Hollywood?” I asked back.

 

A few minutes later another coworker approached me and said, “Slipped off my ring and hoping to marry into old money.”  “Classy,” I replied. “Hey, I’m not a bad person, I just find love everywhere I go.”  An oldie but goodie – I’m guessing that’s what Woods’ girl says too.

 

 

 

I recently learned, while watching TV, that the average American watches 4 hours and 19 minutes of TV each day. I couldn’t believe it. Then, after watching the fifth one hour episode on Investigation Discovery, I was a believer.

 

Not wanting to be average, I decided I would watch no more than 4 hours and 18 minutes of TV each day. With an extra minute on the remaining 19 hours and 42 minutes of my day, I thought it would interesting to research a few more statistics. I typed ‘statistics’ in my search engine and discovered this fun fact:

 

US Census Bureau is shutdown

 

Directly below this bolded headline was their url, www.fedstats.gov/. I clicked on the url to find this url, http://outage.census.gov/closed.html, and message:

 

Due to the lapse in government funding, census.gov sites, services, and all online survey collection requests will be unavailable until further notice.

 

I’m still trying to understand how a lapse in funding results in websites shutting down. My guess is some ‘nonessential’ IT employee decided they would take this opportunity to make their job seem a little more essential. Al Gore would be pissed if he knew they were messing with his world wide web.

 

Fortunately, the United States Department of Labor’s website is still working – Note: Labor works – and I was able to review the American Time Use Survey. The first header read:

 

Working (by Employed Persons) in 2012

As I reviewed the rest of the Economic News Release I quickly determined they will need to add two additional categories next year:

 

1) Working (by Essential but Unpaid Federal Persons) in 2013

2) TV watching (by the Average Furloughed/Nonessential American)

 

I’m pretty sure that second category is going to skyrocket.

 

After all of this reviewing and determining, I was exhausted but, like 49.2 million other Americans (according to the CDC website –  surprisingly, not closed), concentrating on things, such as this, is the number one reason for self-reported sleep-related disorders. Not wanting to get bogged down by the facts or lose any sleep, I decided to participate in the leisure activity that occupies most American’s time – watching TV. Based on my favorite phone app, Clock, I had plenty of hours left in my day to do so without skewing previous year’s data. So, good news Census Bureau, you can continue your furlough because from now on I plan to get my facts from a ‘shut down’ but syndicated source: The Facts of Life.

I got a call from my Aunt Winnie today. This is the first time she has called me in, and this is just an estimate, at least fifteen years. I’ve seen her a few times during this span but, clearly, we don’t talk often.

 

She had some basic questions for me about homelessness and substance abuse and, as we chatted, she started sharing stories with me about some of our relatives.

 

Many years ago her son, who had a ‘flipper tooth,’ was living and working on a boat in Northern Alaska. “He got really seasick and would throw up all of the time. In fact, one time he threw up his flipper tooth. That was expensive,” she said. “I remember that flipper tooth. Remember the wedding? You were so worried that he would purposely leave his flipper tooth home so he would be missing a tooth in the family photo,” I reminded her. “Oh, yes, I remember that well,” she replied.

 

Our conversation then moved to nursing homes; the flipper tooth was a nice transition.  On one occasion, when visiting my great grandma, an elderly male resident with dementia offered to ‘valet’ our car. The staff quickly put a stop to this. “You remember Grandmas was partially blind, right?” Aunt Winnie asked and continued on with a story, “Well there was one bathroom for every two rooms and one day she made her way into the bathroom, lifted up her nightgown, and sat down on top of a male resident who was using the toilet.” The man flipped out. Whether or not his teeth did, I have no idea.

For those of you who have been wondering if a federal government shutdown would have any impact on my blog the answer is y