Category: blog

It’s that time of year again when I not only have to wake up, I have to get up, and be out the door by 7 AM – something I usually only do to catch a flight or avoid a walk of shame.

 

Even with the snow, I’ve managed do so somewhat gracefully going on three days. Today I arrived at work to see a man who, at first, second and every glance, I thought was Luciano Pavarotti; the main distinguishing feature being that this man was alive. Like Pavarotti, he was big-boned, had curly dark hair, a beard, a bow-tie, tuxedo vest, and dress pants. Try as I might, I could not get his photo. “He seems like the kind of guy who would be willing to pose for a photo for you,” my coworker told me. “Good point. I hope he is here throughout the session – I’m looking forward to seeing his outfit of the day,” I replied. “Don’t be surprised if his most common accessory is a cape. That guy definitely has a cape or two in his closet,” quipped my coworker.

 

I think my coworker may be on to something and I may need to be a little more swift with my camera.

 

 

Tree and I have a lot of drive. Most of mine is in the transmission of my vehicle. We had been discussing working out and the conversation went something like this, “Do you want to go to the gym tonight?” “Uh, sure.” An hour or so later, I received another call from Tree, “I am so sick of people. I am totally not feeling the gym. I’d rather have a glass of wine. What do you think?”

 

As we were enjoying our glass of wine and some excellent food, we started discussing relationships and how it was that neither of us were in one. Tree went on to discuss how is a simple man who likes to dance as long as someone isn’t dancing too close, “Anyone in my bubble throws off my beat.” “That could be why we’re still single,” I replied. “I’m not asking for too much. I just want to be with someone willing to put on a wig and rock climb.” “If only I were gay and you were straight. Wait, we’d be in the same predicament,” I told him. “Speaking of predicaments, we’ve got to figure out a way to live and dine like this every day. If only we were trust-funders,” he replied.

Live Longer’s exhausting day as a lay down comedian, in combination with all of the snow, resulted in leaving her car at my house and accepting a ride home from Ice Cream Man. The next morning, she showed up on my stoop with a shovel and a bag of her work clothes in her hand. “I was ready to help you shovel, but I see you already did. Oh, and I forget my car keys and my phone.”

 

I drove her to her house to retrieve the forgotten items and, as she exited the vehicle I advised her I would just put my hazards on wait. “You don’t have to,” she told me and then said, “Oh, wait, I guess you do. I need a ride back to my car.” When we returned to retrieve her car she exited my car, looked down on the snow covered road and said, “Uh oh, somebody lost their keys.” She picked them up and realized they were actually her keys. “Oops, they’re mine,” was her reply.

 

As I went to leave I realized I was high centered, which didn’t surprise me because Dirk is so low profile gets high centered on a candy bar. Not one to want to rely on others for help I rocked the gears until I was off the snow pile, looked both ways, and gunned it.

 

The next day, after attending a meeting, I returned to my car – which was parked on the street near our State Capitol – and noticed the snowplow had pushed a foot or so of snow into the side of my car. I grabbed my ice scraper, cleared it out as best as I could, and then attempted to pull out, all to no avail. My car slid back into a huge snowbank and, regardless of how much I rocked the gears, I wasn’t going anywhere. I realized shoveling out was necessary, thus, needed a shovel. I spotted a shovel at a nearby home, attempted to ask to borrow it, but nobody answered the door, so – being in close proximity to the Capitol – I exercised eminent domain and used their shovel to dig myself out. One hour later, the snowbank was no more and I gave leaving another go. Sadly, frozen slush had now connected with my rear tire. Luckily, I still had my Vivid Videos ‘welcome’ poster board in my trunk and I placed it under the tire for traction. With that, I was free.

I decided to leave the shovel and, as a thank you, my welcome sign.

Nobody wants to be out of fashion and with a new year upon us, most people’s hair is so last year. In an attempt to remedy this problem, I scheduled a SL,UT Cuts.

 

Oreggano and BioMom were planning to attend so Cream Of Tartar and Chauffeur made plans to go ice fishing and Oreggano had the luxury of overhearing their conversation, “I think Oreggano is heading out around 10. Is BioMom also going to Muff Cuts?” “We might want to consider changing the name to Muff Cuts and adding waxing to our list of services,” Oreggano advised me when she arrived. “Good idea,” I replied thinking it had been a while since the Pubic Awareness Campaign and the joint Brazilian with Live Longer.

 

Sleepless and Ice Cream Man soon arrived and Ice Cream Man asked Kitchen Beautician if she could cut his hair. She, of course, said she could and then he asked her another question, “Do you take competitor’s coupons?”  He then proudly placed a Great Clips coupon on the table. Oreggano quickly picked it up, perused the details and said, “She might except it expired several months ago. You should keep an eye out for coupons for Brazilians – we’re thinking of changing the name of the event to Muff Cuts.” Between prices and muffs, this event is a real cutup.

 

 

Bruiser loves a good party and with her day of birth upon her she decided it would be a good opportunity to bring a group of her friends together. Most of her friends are in relationships – me, On My Terms and LaLa Lovely excluded. On My Terms and I committed to attend, however, LaLa Lovely wasn’t as comfortable with the grouping. When Bruiser advised her On My Terms and I would be attending sans date/partner, she replied, “Well they’re OK with being single.” If that’s the vibe others are picking up, that may be why we are still single.

 

The day of the party, On My Terms sent me a text stating she wouldn’t be able to attend. Thus, I attended the couples party totally solo – the epitome of single.

 

Being that Bruiser wasn’t the only ‘old’ one at the party, she started it at 5 so that guests could head home around 9. Although still in the ‘old’ category, the solo girl has a tendency to stay the night. This happens often enough that Bruiser keeps a toothbrush there for me and a bed ready.

 

Prior, however, to everyone heading home and us calling it a night, we decided to pull out the board games. Bruiser’s favorite is Guesstures, so we started with that. Her husband is quite good at the game and did a great job getting his team to guess each card – especially the card that read ‘painting.’ Unfortunately, however, when we took a good look at the card, we realized it actually read ‘panting.’ We let him have the point because he was actually panting while painting due to the excitement of the game.

 

When it was our turn to provide clues one of the cards read waxing. The clue giver pointed to her crotch and someone immediately screamed out ‘waxing.’ The guys were mesmerized by the immediate guess and decided we should use that clue for everything. So, when it was their turn, they did, however nobody guessed the card. Now that we all know it, however, it makes sense that pointing to one’s crotch, while painting, is clue for wigwam.

Sundance Film Festival is notorious for featuring films and documentaries that leave one saying, “WTF?” “Was that seriously the ending?” or “I had no idea my (dysfunctional) family allowed film crews to follow them around.”  This is why I love Sundance. For others, this is why crisis counselors should be available in the lobby both during and after the screenings.

 

Beaner and Live Longer had never been to a Sundance movie, so it was a great honor to be with them while they were deflowered. As is necessary with Sundance, we arrived an hour before the film and took our positions in the front of the line. Fortunately, we arrived in time to secure three of the six chairs they had available for ticket holders. Being, however, that there were four of us (Tree was also there for the deflowering), we were short one chair. “I can squat, my people are good at that,” Live Longer told us. “Are Asians known for squatting?” I asked. “Well, we’re known for being able to do it,” she replied. That may be next year’s big film: White People Can’t Squat. Rosie Perez can play the squatting Asian. I realize she isn’t Asian, but they call it ‘acting’ for a reason. If you don’t believe me, watch Tropic Thunder.

 

Once we were in the theater and seated, a Sundance reps advised the audience that the director might be joining us after for Q&A. “So Sundance,” I told Beaner and Live Longer. As we watched the film, and the intensity/Sundancy increased, both Beaner and Tree were on the edge of their seats. The film ended without ending, so Sundance, and we discovered the director would not be joining us. “It’s a good thing he isn’t here because I have a question for him, ‘WTF were you thinking?'” Live Longer told us. “For a minute I thought I might throw up,” Beaner said. “I got a little anxious,” Tree said.

 

Thus, Sundance was a success because, like most deflowerings, it was slightly uncomfortable. So Sundance.

Going back to work after being on vacation is never easy. For most people, however, it is a necessity if one wants to go on vacation again. To make my return to work easier, I decided to set several alarms.

 

The first alarm, set for 6 AM, was really just a kind reminder that my slumber was nearing an end. Thus, I titled it, ‘Don’t get up, just stretch.’

 

The second alarm, set for 6:15 and titled, ‘Consider getting up,’ was more of suggestion.

 

The third alarm, set for 6:30, was a ‘wake-up’ call, if you will, and was titled, ‘You should probably get up.’

 

The fourth and last alarm, set for 7:06 (because nothing beats an early morning 36 minute nap), was both a directive and a reminder that good music was waiting to be heard. It was titled, ‘Get up. It’s easy, like Sunday morning.’ Thank you Lionel Richie for helping me put things in perspective.

 

As much as I wanted to continue to lay in bed, I got up at approximately 7:08, took a shower, went to work, and started planning my next vacation.

With our last day in Park City upon us, we decided to try and keep our presence on the down low by blending in with the crowd. Thus, the guys wore skinny jeans, plaid shirts, ball caps, sunglasses and UNIQLO jackets, and we wore long fur coats, stylish boots, sunglasses, and rented tiny terriers for our handbags.

 

We didn’t really rent terriers, or wear those any of those items (sunglasses excluded), but that would have been a nice touch. Instead, we went out as we normally would – looking like we just walked off the set of Jersey Shore. With an hour wait for lunch, we opted to kickstart the ‘morning’ with some spicy Bloody Marys. Although the temperature was low, and even lower in the shade, we chose to enjoy our beverages on the shaded outdoor patio.

 

After finishing our cocktails, we had warmed up, the patio crowd and star sightings had doubled (going from four to eight patrons and spotting Pauly Shore), and we were ready to move on – just like Snooki, JWoww and Vinny.

 

We packed up our bags, left Park City behind us, and headed back to the city, where camels, flights out of town, and Sleepless and Ice Cream Man awaited us. “We won’t be providing you a send off at the airport like we did when you arrived,” Sleepless advised YumYummy.  “Nope,” I concurred. Unlike Snooki – “The Snooks is out! – we’re not good with goodbyes. We’re more like Pauly D. GTW… Gym, Tan, We outta here, we’re not saying goodbye and we’re not wearing any costumes.

 

 

Oreggano decided to join me in my celebrity spotting and being spotted endeavors. We filled our coffee cups, put 4-Oh-9 in the stroller and headed to Main Street. “How are we going to get the stroller on the bus and hold our coffee cups?” I asked her. “Clearly, we’ll have to get someone to do it for us. We can’t put our coffee down.” “Good point,” I replied and, true to form, we managed to hold our coffee cups while others hoisted the stroller onto the bus.

 

Once on Main Street, we started snapping photos. Within minutes we spotted paparazzi and they spotted us. “You should flash her,” one of the paparazzi told another who had his camera near his eye and ready to go. “How about you flash me and I’ll flash you,” I suggested. He agreed to these terms and I opened my coat to reveal my moustache shirt while he flashed a photo of me. Even though that was more of a business transaction, it kind of felt like a first date and, surprisingly, wasn’t awkward.

 

We continued on our way – didn’t want to keep our fans waiting – when we learned, via social media, that one of our friends/fans was in a nearby pub. “Send her a text telling her we are on our way,” Oreggano advised and added, “Oh, and tell her to get have the following ready for us, ‘two chairs, a highchair, two Blue Moons and nachos,’ stat.” I did and when we arrived at the pub our chairs were ready and our beers and nachos were quickly served. Having fans has it’s perks.

 

As we enjoyed our beverages we inquired as to how our friends knew each other. They both giggled, blushed a little, and quietly said, “Match.” “Serious?” I asked. “How long have you been dating?” “This is our first date,” they replied. “Awkward,” Oreggano said while enjoying some of their chips and guacamole.

 

First dates can be a bit awkward, especially if you haven’t been on one for a while. Luckily, Oreggano and I were cool with it.

Being spotted and photographed can be quite exhausting, even if the you are the one spotting and photographing yourself. As a result, we ended up spending one evening at the condo, playing cards.

 

The guys thought it would be a good idea to change the rules a bit and, instead of having the ladies (YumYummy and I) take a drink on fours (typically referred to as ‘Four’s for Whores’), we were to remove an article of clothing. Thus, prior to playing the game, YumYummy and I donned several more layers, gloves and a scarf.

 

Even with all of these layers, we were quickly getting cold. I started paying a little less attention to my phone and a little more attention to the game because I figured they had to be cheating. When Leave It To Stever again pulled a four I took a quick inventory of my pile of discarded garments, then did the math. “OK, what the hell?” I asked before discarding another item and stopping YumYummy mid-disrobe. “There are only four four cards in a standard deck and I’ve got seven clothing items in my discard pile,” I told Leave It To Stever and Keller The Sweller. “I wondered how long it would take before you started noticing I was constantly pulling fours,” fully clothed Leave It To Stever proudly stated.

 

“Fours may be for whores, but six are dicks and this game just got 86ed, dick,” I advised, put my gloves and scarves back on and returned to facebook.