Category: blog

The other day while shopping with Oreggano I found a piece of furniture that really caught my eye. As we continued to shop, I found it again, in the clearance section. The price was dropped dramatically due to the fact that it was a floor model and missing one button top. A salesman approached, dropped the price even more, and dropped $200 for a new chaise lounge the size of a full-size bed.

 

“I have no idea where I’ll put this,” I told Oreggano. “Back bedroom,” she suggested. “Can’t do it, my guests love that bed,” I replied. “Downstairs?” she asked. “Maybe, if it fits, but that bed is also a guest favorite,” I told her. “Switch it out with your red couch,” she suggested. “That has also been a guest favorite,” I advised. “Well if it doesn’t work out, I’ll buy it and you can sleep on it at my house,” she said.

 

We got it to my house, carried it in, and placed it in the front room in between the red sofa and the matching CO chair. It has been there ever since.

 

I decided to try sleeping on it, since it may be replacing my bed downstairs, and found it quite comfortable. So comfortable, in fact, that five days later it is still there and I have slept there every night. Plus, when I’m not sleeping, I find myself relaxing on it for hours – à l’aise sur ma chaise. That’s French for ‘at ease on my chaise.’

 

So at ease, I’m afraid I need to move it or sell it. I’m a girl who likes going places and with this chaise in my front room, I’m going nowhere.

The other day I received a voice message from Mia Mamma. “This is mom. I just thought I would let you know I just went over to Sonic Burger by us to get a bag of ice and on their marquee it said, ‘Now hiring rollerskating carhops.’ So I didn’t know if you might want to, you know, get a second little job. Anyway, I just thought I’d let you know that. Hope you’re having a good day. Love you, (slight snicker), Bye Bye.”

 

I shared the message with Oreggano and she found it quite comical. “That is awesome,” she told me and suggested, “We should go get a breakfast sandwich from Sonic – they’re delicious.” I replied, “You know, today is my day off, I really don’t want to go into work.”

 

Oreggano got her way, we went to Sonic, I took a picture of the bag and sent it to Mia Mamma with this message, “Work is good.”

 

Oreggano picked me up from work today for a lovely lunch of losing corndogs. Don’t get me wrong, the c-dogs (this is what Oreggano would like to call them from now on) were delicious. Unfortunately, they didn’t contain a winning stick. She bought us five c-dogs, so we were able to try and win several times – all to no avail. Totally losing.

 

When we returned to my office we sat and chatted in the parking lot for a bit. As we did so, several people walked in and out of the building. “I’m just going to say this, because I know people have been wondering for some time, I stay in this job because I am easily the prettiest one here,” I told Oreggano. “That may be the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard,” she replied.

 

ROFL stopped by my office a little while later and I shared my lunch activities with him. “I know what you mean,” he told me. “When we are in the gym downstairs we’re always pointing out ‘work hot.'” “‘Work hot?” I asked. “You know, ‘hot’ based on work standards,” he replied. “What am I?’ I asked. He smiled and walked out. Just like the c-dog, I’ll have to ‘try again’ until I get a winning response.

Today at work I received an email about a facility tour. Last week, when personally invited to participate in the tour, I immediately agreed. This week, when the email was sent to others, there was a notation that we didn’t want to overwhelm the vendor, thus, only a few should go. Following that, was a simple statement indicating I had already agreed to participate.

 

A few minutes later, I received a follow-up email from the event coordinator, “I purposely mentioned that you’re going on the facility tour in an effort to dissuade certain others from attending.:)” Some would be offended by this comment. Fortunately, I am not “some.” I just wish the knowledge of my presence would dissuade certain others from showing up at certain other times in my life.

Hands can often tell us a lot about a person. Some people (mostly men) believe the length of the index finger and ring finger is a great pre’dick’tor for penis size. Others look at hands in an attempt to gauge one’s age. Fortune tellers look at the palm of one’s hand in attempt to see the future.

 

It’s The Eyes took a look at The Tool’s hand the other day and wondered only one thing, “What the hell is wrong with your hand?” “I had this huge bump on my hand and it just kept getting bigger,” The Tool told us at dinner. “Sounds like a ganglion cyst,” I said and asked, “How did you burst it? Hit it with something hard?” “A ganglion cyst? Weird. Guess that’s better than a dangling cyst, if you know what I mean. I just kept pushing the bump and it went away,” he told me. “Guess it worked. They say the best cure for a ganglion cyst is to burst it somehow,” I advised and added, “Back in the day people regularly used a bible to rupture cysts. So, instead of ganglion or dangling cysts, they called them bible bumps.”

 

“I wouldn’t want someone to hit my dangling cyst with a bible, that’s just nonsense. Did you know I brought that word back to life in our town?” The Tool asked. “Which word?” I inquired. “Nonsense,” he answered. “Hogwash,” I replied. “Hogwash?” he asked. “Yes, hogwash. Which, by the way, is a synonym for nonsense. If you’re going to bring something ‘back to life,’ bring back something that has really gone away, like hogwash, and your ganglion, not dangling, cyst.”

Being the traditionalists we are, Oreggano (I’ll explain the name change later) and I decided to meet up with another couple on a special occasion – their four year anniversary. Although fruits and flowers are recommended for this commemorative moment, we thought our presence – paired with fruity, oaky wine – was the best anniversary gift they could ever receive. With the exception of their cozy suite, superb meal the night prior and amazing time together, I think we were spot on, maybe.

 

“This is our thing. Going on first dates and anniversary dinners with others. It’s what we do,” Oreggano told them while raising her wine glass in their honor. I raised mine at the same time and said, “Happy Anniversary!”

 

We soon left them to enjoy the rest of their anniversary without us. “We’ve really got to do this more often. It is quite divine,” Oreggano told me as we drove away. About 20 minutes later, the anniversary couple phoned us to let us know they would be like to meet up with us again. Looks like we are better than fruits and flowers.

 

Oh, and Oreggano, well it appears Sleepless and others are also traditionalists and really couldn’t get used to her name as Acehole. So, as a gift to them on this other couple’s anniversary, I’m changing it back to Oreggano.

 

It seems a day, a week for sure, doesn’t go by without receiving the ‘Access Restricted/8e6ed’ message when I’m online at the office.

 

Most of the time this happens when I’m trying to get caught up on current events via theONION – America’s Finest News Source. Due to the ‘adult content’ of theONION, our office staff – clearly comprised of children (me included) – are not allowed to view this site. Thus, immediately upon attempting to view anything on theONION, an ‘8e6ed notification’ appears on our desktop.

 

When this first happened, I was amused. A few years later, this area woman is no longer laughing. Looks like my horoscope, which I was last able to check the week of August 3, 2010 , may be right, “The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to rollerskate around naked except for the gas mask.” Naked rollerskating, 8e6ed.

 

Looks like I’ll just have to keep reading and

 

I find this incredibly frustrating because it is the only way I’m able to stay on top of Area Man’s activitie.

Q is comically convinced that I am pregnant. To assure her this is not the case, I decided to go shopping. I filled my cart with the obvious, a pregnancy test, and then added a few impulse buys: a family size bag of Doritos, Double Stuf Oreo, caramel honey frozen yogurt, sherbet ice cream pops and, most important for a female my age, Viactiv.

 

Taking a quick peek at my cart, I realized Q might be on to something. Thus, I took a picture of my shopping items and sent it to Q and a few other friends. Sadly, nobody seemed to notice my “results days sooner” combo. Allison Reynolds purse dump moment wasted.

 

As soon as I got home I took the test, opened the chips and cookies, and waited. While champing and chomping at the bit, Tree phoned and inquired about my current activities. “I’m eating and waiting to see how many pink lines this pregnancy test will have,” I advised him. “Why did you buy a pregnancy test?” he asked. “They were on sale. Three sticks for the price of two and a dollar off coupon. Plus, I’m proving someone wrong,” I told him. “Why do you have to go that far to prove someone wrong? Don’t you have to have sex to be pregnant?” Tree quipped. I dare him to ask that of Mary, Virgin Mary.

 

Oh, and I’m not pregnant.

The other night, as Ice Cream Man was leaving, he opened the refrigerator and made an announcement, “I’m going to be ‘that guy.’ The one who takes home everything he brought to the party. I’m taking all of the cheese.” He then proceeded to take all of the cheese in the fridge.  “He really is taking all of the cheese,” Live Longer observed. “Yes, yes he is,” I noted.

 

The next day he informed me he didn’t realize he had taken all of the cheese in my refrigerator, however, did realize he left his chicken taquitos in my freezer. “I was planning to eat those for lunch,” he told me. “Karma my friend. I was planning on a little cheese and crackers later, but that won’t be happening. Enjoy your cheese, all of it, and keep your fingers crossed that your colon doesn’t clog up from it,” I advised him.

 

There’s a chance he missed that blockage bullet and he definitely missed a very important celebration today: National Frozen Food Day. I must say, his frozen chicken taquitos were delicious, all of them!

After a lengthy email exchange with That’s Not Chinese, in which she stated, “Ah so,” and I asked if she was calling me an ‘asshole,’ she stopped by for dinner and wine.

 

We did as we usually do, ate and drank, and caught up on current events. As we discussed relationships I shared some advice with her that Live Longer once shared with me. “My mom once told me that I should find a man who loves me much more than I love him, because a man’s love fades over time, yet, a woman’s love grows.”

 

“Her mom may be onto something,” That’s Not Chinese said. “Even though I’m with a girl, I think this may still apply because, if it is true, one partner’s love is most often always stronger.” “Yes, possibly,” I said and added, “But her mom is Asian and is definitely the stereotypical tiger mom, which can be intense and confusing. Instead of Confucius Say, it is Confuse Us Say.”

 

Live Longer’s mom may truly be on to something. If not, she has totally confused us and our love lives with what she ‘say.’