Category: blog

I recently received a title change at work and as I was discussing it with a coworker another coworker walked up and informed me she had just eaten a moldy donut.

“Why did you do that?” I asked. “I couldn’t tell until I bit into it. I should have known. Manager’s Special. Oh, Manager’s Special – special for you!” she said smirking. “Moldy donuts. That is very special. Thank you,” I replied.

Just then another coworker walked up and said, “Well if they would have changed your title when we bought the donuts they wouldn’t have been moldy. We’ve had these donuts for at least a year.”

So special.

It’s been a while since Donald Trunk has been out and about so Sleepless decided to bring him to the Sundance Film Festival.

We took pictures of him in front of the screen, in front of our friends and, then, thought it might be fun to get a picture of him in front of the Festival banner. As we were setting up the shot we noticed a crowd forming nearby. We quickly realized it was because the director of the film had approached the area.

While other fans were busy telling the director, “I’ve always wanted to make a movie,” “I write and sing all day long in my parent’s basement,” “This was the best film I’ve seen all day,” we were busy figuring out a way to get a picture with them and Donald Trunk.

Luckily, I was donning a long scarf and coat which allowed me to conceal Donald Trunk. Even luckier was the fact that the producer walked up just in time to be in the picture. “You want to be in a picture with us?” I asked, flashing him the Don.

He agreed, the other patrons left, I stood between the two of them, put an arm around each of them and the magic happened – my scarf and coat fell to the side providing the perfect opportunity for Donald Trunk to provide a ‘wee’ bit of a photo bomb.

As I walked away, with Donald off the front of my skirt and in Live Longer’s bag (she’s taking him to Dallas for the weekend), the producer approached me and said, “Email that to me, I want to show it to him later. He had no idea.”

That’s the beauty of the photo bomb. Even when it’s a ‘wee’ photo bomb, it’s a good one.

BeCuz, Tree, Awkward and I headed to a Sundance film, arrived early enough to get decent seats, and then a very large and tall man sat directly in front of BeCuz. “This happens to me all of the time,” she told us and, with plenty of seats available, we scooted down so he would no longer be in front of her.

The movie started and, every now and again, we made comments to each other. About 20 minutes into the movie Tree leaned in to say something to me and the woman in front of Awkward turned around and snapped at us, “Are you going to talk throughout the whole movie?” “Sorry,” Tree said. “Bitch,” BeCuz added. “You know what, you’re old. Don’t act like you’re 21,” she then snapped. “I told you I was sorry,” Tree said. “She called me a bitch,” she said pointing to me. “I didn’t say anything to you, but there are plenty of seats in the theater so if you’ve got a problem with us you should move,” I replied.

During this entire exchange her boyfriend continued looking forward, saying nothing, acting as though none of this was taking place.

They never moved and left the theater before the credits had fully rolled and, more importantly, before BeCuz could take action. “I was ready to fight. Good or bad, I’m married to an Irish man and if I’ve learned anything from him it is how to fight,” BeCuz told us.

Luckily we never saw her again – between what she said to us about what we were saying and what BeCuz said, there was bound to be a fight.

While enjoying our vaccinated time with Rated R and Cream of Tartar we discussed many things, to include, but not limited to, food, drink, valet service and tips. This hospital provided valet service (weekdays only) and monetary tips were not allowed.

Discussion of this service led to a discussion about another service the hospital provided – circumcision.

“He’s getting circumcised in the morning,” Cream of Tartar told us. “Maybe you should see if you can do a two for one,” Sleepless suggested, not implying circumcision for Cream of Tartar, rather, a vasectomy. “Just go in and lay on the board they have for the infants, pants down and ready to go,” I advised. “Good idea,” Cream of Tartar said in a way that let us know he meant the exact opposite. “What do they do with the foreskin?” Live Longer asked. “They put it in the placenta room,” Sleepless, a placenta expert, replied.

The placenta room is a room we dreamed up where we believe they store all of the placentas before they are sold to make facial creams, lip balms and edible pills. This room replaces the placenta shelf, also known as ‘the shelf below the ice cream’ in the refrigerator owned by Sleepless and Ice Cream Man.

“You should ask them if you can have it and then give it to valet and say, ‘Here’s a tip,'” Live Longer suggested. Non-monetary and clever, that is a tip they would never forget.

Rated R was supposed to be induced on the morning of January 16th.  Unfortunately, she was in direct competition with a bunch of other women who had sex in April and, because they were delivering naturally, Rated R’s baby bump got bumped.

As a result, she delivered her wee one on the 17th and we were all ready and waiting with anticipation to meet the little guy. By ‘ready,’ I mean we had been vaccinated. A few months ago Rated R informed us that the hospital had informed her, “Nobody will be allowed entry if they haven’t had their flu and whooping cough shots.” Not only did we need the shots, they told her we would also need to bring proof. “Are you delivering in Arizona? This sounds a lot like the ‘show me your papers’ stories I heard on the news a while back,” I said. “You want to see him, you’ve gotta bring ’em,” she replied. Cream of Tartar was right, Rated R has a little hint of ‘law enforcement’ in her blood.

Sleepless and I arrived ready to show our papers and Live Longer, who works for the University, brought her badge, “This will get me anywhere.” I plan to take her to Sundance with it and see if that is true. Sadly, nobody cared if we had our shots or our papers to prove it. “I can’t believe it. I really didn’t want to get those shots,” Sleepless told us. “When you have a baby you should tell her she can’t come to the hospital until she has had a colonoscopy,” Live Longer suggested.

Once in the room with Rated R, Cream of Tartar and their kids, the thoughts about our shots were gone and the focus turned to Cream of Tartar’s need for shots of an alcoholic variety. “I’ve got you covered,” Sleepless said, reached into her purse and pulled out a plastic bag with two trial size mouthwash bottles. “Mouthwash,” she said and winked. “Was this Ice Cream Man’s idea?” Cream of Tartar asked. “No, mine. He prefers breastmilk bags,” Sleepless replied.

With that, and after Rated R had put her actual ‘breastmilk bags ‘ away, we all took a shot with the wee one – this time of a photographic nature. We had to, with a newborn in the house, shots are required.

The other day Tree was using his computer when all of a sudden, “Snap, Crackle, Pop, Fizzle. That’s what happened and it just stopped working,” he told us. “Sounds like my body,” I told him and asked, “Why do you think it crashed?” “Porn,” he replied. SiCk PuFfer.

Sleepless is preparing for a three-day celebration in honor of a family member living 100 years and requested a few talking points.

I’ll start with the basics, which I recently learned from Tree, Live Longer and MiniMe:

“Yes, thank you, I know.”

 
I think the three combined, specifically in the order above, make for a great response or conversation starter. Should people want to continue conversing, I suggest the following tidbits/talking/walking away points:

“It’s hard to believe that, 100 years ago this month, commercial aviation first took off. Get it? Took off. It’s funny because planes take off, literally. Well, most planes. I guess some malfunction. You ever been in a cockpit before? You ever seen a grown man naked? Do you like movies about gladiators? Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?”

“1st full color film came out in 1914. I don’t think any actors came out that year.”

“Babe Ruth. I’d elaborate, but I’ve got a peanut allergy.”

“It will be 100 years this May since Congress established Mother’s Day. Spending one day with my mother feels like 100 years.”

“1st US motorcyle race took place on July 4, 1914. This year, to commemorate, I think we should do a US Jazzy race.”

“NY Post Office opened to the public 100 years ago in September. I love mail. I also love male. I’m not into fee male, that’s illegal.”

“The Brits and the Germans agreed to an unofficial ‘Christmas Truce’ truce on, you guessed it, December 25 1914. I have a feeling a lot of people – British, German and otherwise – agree to an unofficial truce every Christmas. I know I do. It’s either that or I pack a flask. What? No, that’s not a flask in my pocket.”

I’ve no doubt that, with these talking points ready to go, Sleepless will be able to spend less time talking and more time flasking – as it should be at all family (dys)functions.

The other day I stopped by the front desk of one of our agencies and asked for an employee. The main reason I asked is I was planning to attend a meeting she was holding and needed to speak with her prior. Being that her belongings and most of the meeting attendees were waiting in the conference room, I figured she was close by.

“She is in an appointment,” the secretary informed me. “Oh, OK. She is still going to the meeting, right?” I asked. “Yes,” the secretary replied. “I’m wondering if we could interrupt her for a minute,” I said and added, “Where is her appointment?” “Her appointment is with her breasts,” the secretary replied. “Oh, she’s pumping,” I said. “You pushed,” the secretary told me. “True, I did. I pushed. She pumped. Who pulled?” I replied and walked away.

Years ago Tree was working at a restaurant when he noticed a coworker acting strange. He walked toward the coworker, who was near the main entrance, to find a man holding a bag. “May I help you?” Tree asked. “Feel the bag,” the man replied. “I’m sorry, what?” Tree asked. “Feel the bag,” the man repeated. Tree reached toward the man, felt the bag and said, “OK, I touched your bag. Now what?” Frustrated, the man left.

It was at this point that Tree learned the man was actually a criminal, guilty of two crimes: attempted robbery and poor annunciation.

This ‘altercation’ got a lot of attention – even Jay Leno mentioned it. “Look, I can’t help someone who doesn’t annunciate their words,” Tree told Live Longer, Awkward and I as he shared the story. He makes a good point. If the alleged thief doesn’t clean up his act and grammar soon he will most likely end up in gel. Or is it jail?