Author: grigiogirl

I can’t believe my luck – a proper breakfast twice in one week! With Dr. BJ and MJ leaving for home today, we felt it was appropriate to enjoy homemade breakfast at my place. That’s Not Chinese and I planned the menu: French toast (emphasis on the French), eggs, fakin’ bacon, mimosas and coffee. The instructions for the fakin’ bacon did not include an oven option, so we had to use our own judgement. Sketch. The thing with fakin’ bacon is it doesn’t fake burn, it really burns. Guess 30 minutes on high broil wasn’t good judgment.

 

After transporting the boys to the airport, That’s Not Chinese and I opted for a lovely afternoon walk in the park. By our side was our trusty guard dog, No Action Jaxon. We made our way to the ducks and started sharing our bread with them. That’s Not Chinese was a bit bothered by the selfishness of some of the bread recipients. It was about this time when I threw a few bits of bread out to the ducks and geese, and one of the seagulls swooped in for retrieval. Being that it was Mother’s day, the mama duck was not going to stand (or float) for that. She and several other members of the Anatidae family started attacking the seagull. It was on. Duck fights in the park. That’s Not Chinese started hootin’ and hollerin’ (aka, bird calling) and attempting to make her way into the pond to save the seagull. Then her flip flop and her right foot got stuck in the mud – they’re flip flops, not flippers. I’m not sure who was flailing more, her or the Anatidaes. I asked her what she planned to do once she got in the water, “Have you saved ducks before? Are you some kind of secret duck saver?” She had no response. I shared the story with Dr. BJ via text. His reply, “She’s suppose to throw bread at the geese, not herself.” That’s Not Chinese was so traumatized she wanted to leave the park immediately. I wanted to stay and catch one more fight – rightly so, it’s Mother’s Day.

 

We made it back to my house without incident and decided to paint our nails and watch documentaries in which we have cameo (not to be confused with cameltoe) appearances. That’s Not Chinese was sitting on the floor and I was sitting at the table. She offered me one million dollars to hand her wine glass to her. I knew she didn’t have one million dollars, and didn’t want her to feel bad when she couldn’t follow through with the agreement, so I sort of tossed it her way. Had the handoff/catch been better, it might have ended better for That’s Not Chinese. She was covered with wine, as were my walls, floors, and table. My ending, however, was a bit better. I sipped a glass of grigio while That’s Not Chinese cleaned my floor.

Surprisingly, I woke up in time for work today and wasn’t a complete wreck. I even had enough time to speak with BeCuz for a bit while she was making her way to spend time with her mother (getting a head start on the greeting card holiday). While speaking with her, I accidentally hung up on her. This is something I do regularly, not just to her, to everyone. Not on purpose, it mostly happens when I’m holding my phone to my left ear. I swear my left cheek heats up and protrudes, resulting in disconnections. I quickly rang BeCuz back and she apologized, stating it was her “damn touch phone.” Hmmm, maybe it isn’t about my cheek.

Upon arriving at work I was informed of a suspicious situation. As usual, I stepped right in to help. While on the phone with realtor, attorney, and intel gatherer, OregganO, my left cheek caused the phone to go into merge call mode. It took a minute, but I figured it out. When I hung up, I was telling my boss I really didn’t know how to use my phone. She told me that maybe I should have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

I came home to find That’s Not Chinese patiently waiting for me on the porch. We were chatting about a variety of really important things when I told her I had two reasons for not wanting to go to work today. I started with 1) and ended with b); she liked that. I’m glad I didn’t have three things to tell her – I would have to decide between 3 and c.

Gotta love Fridays. Started the day chatting with That’s Not Chinese and giving her a ride to work. I came home to find OregganO in her kerchief, and Dr. BJ in his graduation cap, MJ was still sleeping in the back – long evening nap. The Leaver was on the porch. I don’t blame her, if I had walked in on this group, not knowing who they were (which she didn’t), I’d have stayed outside too.

We had a lovely birthday/graduation breakfast, complete with mimosas and Irish coffees – embracing a little bit of everyone’s Irish culture. The German pancakes were in honor of OregganO’s culture. Had That’s Not Chinese stayed, she probably would have told Oreggano that she is not German, clearly Turkish (must have been the fakin’ bacon). OregganO was telling The Leaver about her morning (even though it had only been ‘morning’ for about 49 minutes) and advised her, “I’m unemployed.” The Leaver asked, “Really? You’re unemployed.” OregganO replied, “No, no, I’m a realtor.” She forgot to mention she is also my attorney.

The Leaver was in rare form. We later found out it was her birthday (when she sent a text thanking me for the birthday breakfast. Who knew? She knew.). Prior to The Leaver leaving, she posed a very interesting question about, well, bits and pieces. This, of course, was after the first and most important question she posed, “How do you like my combover?” We liked it. Anyway, her second question resulted in a lot of googling and wikipediaing – where a woman with the last name of Cornforth provided some answers. The Leaver was embarrassed by her question, so I wrote her a note telling her it was OK. She told me she was going to put the note in her treasure box, with her slingshot. A few minutes later she couldn’t find the note and admitted she hadn’t read it. Hmmmm.

Today is a big day for Dr. BJ because he gets to ‘walk’ at his graduation, after which, party at my house. Dr. BJ wore his graduation gown and hood – thanks to MJ for ‘hooding’ him and, yes, MJ followed the hooding instructions. When Dr. BJ abruptly stripped off his gown we were all shocked to see…..his plaid pants. He was wearing the hell out of his plaid golf pants and asked if his butt looked big in them. We told him he had PhBoo-D (pronounced Ph Booty).

Carmas With A ‘K’ stopped by the party and was representin’. He quite enjoyed overhearing another party goer inform us that she likes the chub, but doesn’t like the chub-E. Upon hearing that he glanced my way and quipped, “Blogworthy,” and a few minutes later told me, “your notepad is wiley.”‘

The Leaver joined in the festivities again and we decided to smoke her eyes out – why not, it’s her birthday. Girl’s Girl loved that we were ‘playing make up’ at the party and shared a story about tanning with us. She does a little cooch covering during her tanning session, so as to avoid vaginal melanoma – primarily because she doesn’t want to tell or show her doctor why and how she tans. Smart Girl’s Girl.  

Before The Leaver left (she does that a lot), OregganO pulled out one of the Avon Fashions jumpsuits and suggested she wear it – to compliment the smoky eyes. The Leaver respectfully declined, so I donned it with a white sweat headband. I’ll Call You Later II, who would have a boat and really love his wife if he was in a Real Housewives reality tv show, saw my jumpsuit and said “Whats that?, Oh, just  a nightgown.” I’ll Call You Later II should probably not audition to be a host on What Not to Wear.

As the evening progressed, we were graced with the presence of many of my blogs finest contributors and readers. Even Skiwi stopped by with  Disco Dancing Dog Groomer, if Disco Dancing Dog Groomer “edited” others as often as Carmas Wiht A ‘K,’ I would call her Spell Czech. But, she doesn’t, instead she disco dances with No Action Jaxon, all the while clipping his nails – it is both a sight to see and an amazing talent.

Carmas With A ‘K’ and I decided to eat the snickers off of the cupcakes – we had too. We started to feel a little guilty about leaving the cupcakes void of the snickers, so we replaced them with broccoli, cherry tomatoes and pita bread. Plaid Poly was appalled, “I would not ruin food – that’s against the Lord’s law.” Carmas With A ‘K’ agreed with Plaid Poly. He didn’t, however, agree with the skirt Oprah was wearing today. He totally agrees with and loves Tiger Beat magazine. Interesting.

After everyone left and the party was over, I remembered to give Dr. BJ our gift, Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Party Edition, he was proper impressed and said he liked it best. We reviewed it for party potential and found there was none. MJ was hellbent on finding the party potential, found some sparkles on the cover, and determined it was the sparkles that made it the party edition. I looked on my skin and found some sparkles too. Looks like I’m also the party edition.

This morning I was chatting with The Leaver about body size. She is convinced that the voluptious woman is “coming back.” As we continued to discuss this topic, her conviction grew, “Trust me on this, I start a lot of things,” she told me. “You start a lot of things,” I queried, “what have you started?” Her reply, “This, right now, the comeback of the voluptious woman. Just wait, you’ll see.”

Shortly after my discussion with The Leaver, I met up with Fru Fru Pants. The Leaver was spot on. Fru Fru Pants had spoken with me in the morning and told me she was wearing a dress that was, perhaps, too short, making her “look like a tramp.” To fix that, she threw on a jacket and some tights. Short no more, just voluptious. Not wanting her to feel alone in her attire, I donned some fishnets and boots with my dress. Fru Fru Pants appreciated the support and, together, we decided I trumped her tramp.

Later on, I stopped by the store to pick up some buttons and nectarines, a day after Cinco de Mayo tradition. While making my way to the produce department a fellow patron looked my way, gave a nod of the head, and said, “Nice nets.”  I’ve come to the conclusion that two things are coming back: voluptious women and fishnets. Just wait, you’ll see.

I love when there are days dedicated to celebrating……anything. Today is no different, I plan to spend as much time as possible embracing my heritage with That’s Not Chinese, Dr. BJ, MJ and a surprise visit from Carmas With A ‘K.’

To celebrate properly, I made my signature margaritas – my people love these things. I had to provide the disclaimer that the first sip might catch you off guard, but hang in there, the sips to follow will take you places.

As usual, That’s Not Chinese, was patrolling all things ethnic and informed me I am not Latina. Like the ladies from the coffee shop, she believes I’m Greek. Based on the food I had for lunch, I’m Vietnamese. I embrace all things cultural.

The 5th of May menu was tops: guacamole, chips, pizza, circus peanuts and key lime pie. Everyone complained about the circus peanuts, but that didn’t stop them from partaking, at least once.

Prior to making his surprise visit, Carmas With A ‘K’ was considering a Cinco de Mustache ride – he was also considering coming out on facebook. Both good ideas. I’m especially keen on the latter, nothing like using facebook for therapy; nothing, except using Skype for couples counseling.

Carmas With A ‘K’ was full of a lot of good information for us today. He was telling us about online dating sites and Dr. BJ requested to see his profile. Carmas With A ‘K’ was quick to ignore a connection and Dr. BJ thought he might be making a mistake, because the person could be nice. Carmas With A ‘K’s response, “You know how many lunches I could have gone to with the amount of people I’ve ignored on here?” Apparently a lot. I hope, for That’s Not Chinese’s sake, Carmas With A ‘K’ had at least one lunch at a nice Chinese restaurant that serves sushi and chile verde.

It appears I broke a mirror seven years ago and all of the superstitious karma from it is occurring today. While walking into work, I dropped my phone. The entire screen shattered. I should have been upset, but I’m not going to lie, I like it, it’s artistic.

Not soon after arriving at work (well, it was about 60 minutes later and my computer was still “booting”), I received a 9-1-1 call from I’ll Call You Later only to find out I should have pressed “ignore,” so as to avoid troll encounters and enjoy the Hawaiian coffee grounds I had just brewed at my office.

After realizing 9-1-1 is a joke in my town, Fru Fru Pants and I grabbed mochas and lattes. For a moment, it seemed life was good. Not so. In between meetings I stopped at the local drug store to buy finger nail polish remover, so as to look quasi-professional. Apparently, they only tested these pads on people with nine fingers. As a result, I returned to my office with a red polished pinky, only. Don’t hate.

Fru Fru Pants had business to tend to, so she couldn’t provide me full support today. She was voting on department awards. Last year, the groups that were “awarded” were laid off, thus, we now call these “The Layoff Awards.” Even though I don’t work there, I asked her to vote for me. What can I say, I’m competitive.

Like some of our “clients,” we clearly woke on the wrong side of the bed and/or tracks tonight. Never good to wake up in the face of oncoming traffic. Fru Fru Pants was doing her best to make me feel better about my day, all the while ignoring the horrid details of her day. She pulled out a fashion catalog and said, “You could do this, you could be her, look what she likes: mixed tapes. She is a business owner, an interior designer and she has a job.” Thank you Fru Fru.

Thank you for helping me feel better about my dire situation, for encouraging me to gargle with Tito’s vodka and discouraging me from having an open sore if I didn’t have fun getting it.

Alice, as much as I missed Italian class, the language skills I learned tonight are sure to surpass anything ending in -co, -i, or -e. Let’s connect later for details about tonight. Depending on how the voting goes, I may have a lot of time on my hands.

There are some days when certain topics are brought up in several different circles – today was one of those days. While in a meeting, we were discussing some of the new tenants in the building. The majority of these new tenants are very heatlhy, environmentally conscious, waste conserving, birkenstocks and socks types. Unfortunately, what is good for the goose is not always good for the gander. Ever since the new tenants moved in, the bathrooms have taken on a whole new level of smell – to the point that it was discussed in management meeting. I didn’t feel the topic warranted much discussion, so I summed it up like this: healthy eating stinks, literally. Then I got in my gas guzzling vehicle and headed to the nearest fast food restaurant for a corn dog.

After work I got the privilege of dining with That’s Not Chinese, who just returned from the Dominican Republic. She was telling me about her fabulous vacation and was very excited to share with me her favorite and funniest story from the trip.

The place where she and her friends were staying had a bidet in the bathroom. This was a feature that was pleasing to many of the guests, for many reasons. Many of the guests, except for Velma.

Velma had never used a bidet, nor did she understand how to do so – which is funny, because Velmas are cartoonically really good at figuring out mysteries. Velma humbly asked That’s Not Chinese to show her how to use the bidet. Being a kind and patient soul, That’s Not Chinese obliged.

A few hours later, Velma gave it a go. Unfortunately, That’s Not Chinese failed to mention one important tip: the bidet is not meant to be used as a toilet. Poor Velma, she was bidets, confused and embarrassed.

Had a bit of a late start today. Library movie rentals will do that to you. I phoned OregganO immediately upon waking to see if she would like to join No Action Jaxon and I for a walk and a little bird feeding at the park. She was in.

On our way to the park, we passed a few local listings and OregganO, as both my attorney and realtor, placed a few phone calls for some afternoon showings. Showing is what we got. We had a glass of wine and made our way to a ‘showing,’ and quickly learned the selling agent didn’t alert the sellers. OregganO quickly sent him a text, “Just walked in on your clients.”

We walked back to her humble abode, had some Green Fin Table Wine and watched Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business, on VH1. These are the times I am reminded how much I wish I was black. The first time I wished this I was a youngster and I think my parents thought I was just being a punk kid. I knew I couldn’t be black, no matter how much I went tanning – Michael Jackson is the only person I know who has succeeded in color change. Nonetheless, I tried. I even requested a black Cabbage Patch Doll for Christmas. Instead, I got Lon Chet – a lonely, white, French preemie.

If you haven’t watched Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business, I highly recommend it. There are very few reality TV shows that inspire me to take notes, this show is one of them. As we were watching the show, No Action Jaxon found comfort in lying in my lap, in between my legs. I advised OregganO that if I ever got a dog, foster or otherwise, I intended to call him ‘Muff” or ‘H.R. Muffnstuf,’ for short. Within a few minutes, OregganO advised me, “Your muff is asleep.” I informed her my muff has  been dormant for some time.

Right soon after this, Ray J was preparing for a reunion show. He met up with Ms. Berry, who informed him, “You need to figure out what it is you’re doing and holla at me later.” Ray J responded, “What do you mean? Holla at ya later? Like when, tonight?” “No,” replied Ms. Berry, “Like, when you feel that you’re really ready.” Even OregganO had to admit, this was some good shit. I kind of wish I knew them. They have some good lines and some smokin’ nicknames.

As time quickly passed by, I got hungry. Everyone knows I can only live on my body fat for so long. I suggested we walk to the local grocer and have a corn dog or some fried chicken. OregganO was offended – she was in no mood for fried chicken. Instead, she made me cheese fondue. As she was prepping the cheese, No Action Jaxon started sniffing about. She referred to him as J.R. Muffnstuf. I quickly reminded her he wasn’t from Dallas and it was H.R., not J.R., but it was too late – the name stuck.

Every now and again I work at a local furniture store. It really isn’t a big money maker for me, but the employee discounts make it worth it. The last time I worked I learned the discount would no longer be available to me or the other on-call employees. As a result, I will most likely terminate my employment there. The free hot dogs on Saturdays and free California rolls on Tuesdays, in addition to the low hourly pay, are really not enough reason for me to stay. As luck would have it, I spoke with a friend who runs a golf course and it just happens she needs someone to operate the beer cart. Life is good. I am soon to be the Beer Cart Girl (BCG).

This will open so many doors for me. In addition to making mad tips, I will have the chance of entering a Miss Beer Cart Golf Pageant. Looks like I’m going to have to buy a BCG visor and start working on my drive. Everybody knows its all about the long drive. Testimonials from previous pageants have really got me pumped, “As a participant in this great event from its inception I am speechless at the unbelieveable abilities of the contestents in their quest to become Miss Beer Cart.” – Tim Sachse

Speaking of beer, while chatting with coworkers at the furniture store today, someone mentioned Quagmire the Farting Ventriloquist. As the broom jokes were flying, I mentioned it might be interesting if he hosted a B.Y.O.B. party, primarily because people wouldn’t know if they should bring their own beer or broom.

I had my hair cut today and it got me thinking. I have encountered a lot of people with Bump-Its lately. Should I just embrace it? If ‘yes’ is the answer, I have to wait until I see them on an infomercial- which may not happen anytime soon – I refuse to pay department store prices for a Bump-It. After the salon, I headed to the mall.

Why the mall? Partly becuse my hair was sporting a very “teased eighties” look – my new stylist did her best to replicate her style, sans Bump-It. And, partly, because I needed some things I could only get there. After a delicious food court lunch, I shopped a wee bit and then closed the deal with a chocolate chip cookie and a large cup of milk. It was both nostalgic and fabulous.

After the mall, I met up wit h OrggeganO. She wanted to buy alarm clocks. I wanted to buy a car. We had both talked about wanting these items for some time, so I wasn’t sure if she was really serious about her purchase. She was and, several hours later, so was I. I think we have done a lot for the economy today. Speaking of the economy, I shared an observation with OregganO: as near as I can tell, the only the thing the recession hasn’t impacted is people’s weight. No cuts there, and we weren’t even at Wal-Mart.

While sitting at the dealership bistro and enjoying fruit punch and fresh popcorn – yes, OregganO was pleased with the popcorn and said, ‘Now this shit is good’ – we started to chat with one of the sales associates. He was about 300 pounds, 6’4″, and stylish. I remembered him from the last time I was there. Not necessarily because of his size, it was his style,  he was wearing a carnation pink two-piece suit. I asked him why he wasn’t wearing it today and he informed me his mom sent it to him and later realized it was supposed to go to his brother, so he had to give it to his brother. Not to worry, he’s got his eye on a bright orange two-piece. He then informed us he has what is known as Polynesian swagger and, we could just call him ‘Poly Swagger.’ It’s nice when people come up with their own nicknames, although Recession Proof would have been a good one too.

Later, we picked up Patty Melt for a stork test in the back seat of my new ride and wine at her house. We had been there for a while when her husband, So Quiet, came home and joined in the festivities. We talked about a lot of things, one of them being my new car purchase and buyers’ remorse. I informed them I typically only experience buyers’ remorse when I don’t buy things, like Knights in Shining Armor and dessert. As we were leaving, Patty Melt asked So Quiet to retrieve the cat kennel for No Action Jaxon. So Quiet retrieved the litter box. Patty Melt wasn’t pleased. She walked out to the shed and ripped the off the door. OregganO asked, “Did she just throw that door?” Yes, she most certainly did. So Quiet quietly helped her grab the kennel and we made our way home.