It’s been a while since Add-ly and I have hung out so when we met up this weekend we decided to make up for lost time. We started with a drink at her house, then went to a patio bar for drinks and fries, then we went to another patio bar for pizza and drinks, and, to end the evening, we went to a bar I haven’t been to since the time I received a ‘dating card’ from a customer at my part-time job.
Several years ago I was working my part-time job when a customer came in, made a payment, and asked me out. I respectfully declined and he boldly handed me his ‘dating card.’ The card is similar to a business card in size, however, instead of a simple signature line, this card is laminated, double sided and features what he considers his ‘services.’
The front of the card features his name across the top, italicized, in all caps. For the purpose of this entry, and having zero interest in providing him an avenue to promote himself, I’ll refer to him as “THE DOUCHE.” Immediately following his name were his ‘services.’ Gun-Runner: Revolutions & Insurrections; Bootlegger & Protector of Virtue (& Vice); Massage for the Ladies (only); Enforcement of Gentlemanly Conduct. Below these items are a toll-free number and a direct line. The toll-free number is a novelty number ending in “OOH DOUCHE.”
Flip the card over and it just gets better….or worse. The header reads “You may know a douche or 2 or 3…but now you’ve met “The Douche.” A definition follows. [the] (the before a vowel; the before a consonant) 1. a. Used before a name to denote that particular, specified person: (“The Douche”) b. Used to emphasize one of a group as the most outstanding or prominent: (“The Douche” is considered to be The Man.) c. Used to indicate uniqueness (The Pope or “The Douche”). Below the definition, additional services were detailed.
Following Services are available for Certain Ladies:
Dinner, Drinks, Laughs, & All-Around Good Time
Stress relieving massage – “Equalizer” Service
Have truck, will haul anything & Emergency road service
Passion & Love Defined (Go ‘head, ask me!)
I shared this story and card with Add-ly who asked, “Did you ever call him?” “Hell no,” I said and, being that we were a few drinks in, we decided to give him a call. Add-ly blocked her number, put the phone on speaker and anxiously awaited a response. The man on the other end said hello, she said hello, and then she got nervous. It became very clear the toll-free number still belonged to The Douche when we heard him attempt to use a phone sex voice and say, “Talk to me.”
We didn’t talk to him, rather, we hung up on him. We don’t need The Douche to enjoy dinner, drinks, laughs & all-around good time. We also don’t need a truck to haul things. I’ve got Dirk. If you need things hauled, talk to me….