Each year Tree invites me to participate in the AIDS walk. Each year, I have to work and cannot do so. Being a sugar self with copays is a lot of work, literally.
Fortunately, this year, I didn’t have to work. The night before the walk Tree sent me a text, “Let’s dress up for the walk….Richard Simmons realness.” I was more than ready for this theme. Actual Richard Simmons autographed tank top, check. Short gym shorts, check. Tube socks, check. Sweatband for head and wrist, check. Napoleon Dynamite wig, check. Bulky white sneaks, check. Tree had all of the same minus the ND wig – his wig was more 70s porn and worked out perfectly. Awkward had just cut his hair in a very slick style, so opted against a wig but donned all of the other necessary items.
As we approached the event Tree made an observation, “We’re entering through the talent section.” I also made an observation, “Based on our theme and our behavior I believe our hashtag for the day and, perhaps forever, should be #channelingourinnerdick.” They agreed, we took a few selfies instead of taking pictures of the ‘actual talent,’ made our grand entrance and then quickly took a seat so we could mix our Bailey’s into the free coffee. A few minutes later, a girl approached me and asked, “Is that your real hair?” “No, it’s a wig,” I replied. “It looks real from across the way,” she said. “Really? Good. No, my hair isn’t that curly. Not the hair on top of my head, anyway,” I informed her and she took that cue to leave. Inner dick, channeled.
We were soon joined by Sleepless, Ashterisk and company who were also donning proper attire. The walk started and we assumed our position, in the rear. Seemed appropriate considering the event. “New hashtag: #bringinguptherear,” Sleepless advised.
After the walk we decided to grab brunch. “I can’t believe I’m going into a restaurant dressed like this,” Awkward said as we approached the restaurant. “I can’t believe we don’t do this more often,” I replied. Once seated, a guest at a nearby table asked, “What did you guys do today?” “Family photos,” I replied. Soon after that, Tree took off his wig, “Oh, this is so hot and itchy. Can I just leave it on the center of the table?” I didn’t mind the new centerpiece, but Awkward found it awkward so Tree put it on his lap and we ordered our food in accordance with our theme – eggs been a dick and juevos.
Once Tree was done eating, always dramatic for his lover, he rested his face in his hands and said, in a sultry voice, “I’m so tired.” Awkward immediately grabbed his phone to take a picture. “Give me a break. You are such a dick. You’re only doing that so he’ll take your picture and add your favorite hashtags, #youareadorable #shamelesslypromotingmyboyfriend.” Tree, busted, giggled and began to focus on his wig. “You should put it in your shorts so the hair sticks out of both sides,” I advised. He did; we took several photos; some men at a nearby table chimed in, “That’s great;” and then we decided to leave. Sadly, the hair from the wig was not visible outside of the shorts when he stood up and instead just appeared to give him front butt. Thus, he immediately pulled it out of his pants, an action that compliments another of our hashtags, #stayclassy.
All in all, it was a great day to increase awareness….of us.