Several of my coworkers are on a health kick and, as a result, we have a variety of healthy snacks in the breakroom. As I met with one today, he was snacking on some soy based items. “Do you eat a lot of soy?” I asked. “Not a lot, but I do like it,” he replied. “Well, just be careful. I have a friend who is a doctor and he said men who consume a lot of soy often end up with breasts, because of the estrogen.”
This didn’t seem to concern him until a little while later, when he was still snacking on the soy-based treat, and he said, “I better slow down or I may have some boobs pop out soon.” “Good point. What’s worse is when you pop a button during a meeting,” I said and then looked down to ensure I wasn’t wearing something that buttoned. “Thanks for ruining my healthy snack,” he told me and asked, “Can I eat almonds or will they give me boobs too?” Luckily, my inside voice stayed in and I replied, “Not sure,” instead of, “You are what you eat.”
Later in the day I ran into another coworker who told me about a family member who had a “major outie.” Outies are the exception and not the rule, about 90% of people have an innie. Technically, the belly button (umbilicus if you speak Latin) is really just a scar from birth. Everybody digs scars, so to have a big scar or, in this case, “major outie,” should be a good thing.
Sometimes, as a female, I’ll say things like, “I bet if I had a penis I would get that” or “If I had a penis they wouldn’t question my decision.” However, if I had a penis growing out of my belly button, I doubt it would be fruitful. It would be especially difficult to find a decent shirt – I already struggle with buttoned shirts that burst at my high beams and pop open in meetings.
As usual, I digress. Back to the the coworker’s family member. Unfortunately, this family member’s major outie looked like a little penis growing out of her belly. Her parents had to decide whether to let it be, cut it off and she would have no belly button, or cut it off and create a cosmetic umbilicus. They opted for the latter. Now she can actually say, “If I had a penis, oh wait, I did….”