As much as I love working in the garden, I prefer to pay others for the really difficult manual labor, such as digging out my grass for xeriscaping.
TooStalky has been coming around my house a lot lately, looking for work. A few weeks ago he stopped by and said, “You my best customer, but you never give me job last year. How come?” “One, I have to have money to pay you. Two, you raked my leaves, promised to come back a few days later to finish, and then left your truck parked on my lot for at least five weeks.” “I do you good job. Tell me how much,” he advised me. This is where the hooker part comes in. It’s as if I’m soliciting a hoe.
I agreed to let him do some work and then he asked for money. “I need money so I can put gas in truck,” he told me. “Nope. Not happening. I am not giving you money prior to you giving me work,” I replied. Again, hooker. He then began to debate price with me. I offered $700; he suggested $1200; I offered $700; he suggested $800; I offered $700; he suggested $750; I offered $700; he left upset.
He hadn’t even turned the corner when my phone rang, “Hello, it is TooStalky. How are you? I will do it for $700. Start today. Can you give me some money today?” A few hours later, his crew was digging up my front yard and I gave him money. “This should cover today and then some,” I said and asked, “When will you be back?” “Tuesday. Or Wednesday,” he replied.
Tuesday came and Tuesday went. No TooStalky. Wednesday also came and almost went without TooStalky interaction. When I arrived home to find no sign of him, I gave him a call, “Hi, what happened to you today?” “I do it maybe Friday or Saturday,” he said. “No, we had a deal. I gave you cash for your work on Saturday and to get supplies so you could return yesterday or today. Why aren’t you here?” “You know what? Supplies expensive. Maybe you have someone else do it. I give you some money back,” he told me in a very frustrated tone. “You agreed to a price. Why didn’t you do it yesterday or today and when you’ll be here next?” I asked him. He hung on me and I called on my inner pimp.
I called him again, he answered and said, “I’m at bank. You call me again, I give you the money back and you find someone else.” He then hung up again. His offer sounded good and just as I was getting ready to phone him again, I got distracted. Two minutes later I noticed I had a missed call, a message, and an incoming call from TooStalky. “Hello. It is TooStalky. How are you?” Gotta love dissociative disorder. He went on to tell me he would be by tomorrow to work on my yard. I advised him I would prefer to get my money back and find somebody else. As far as I was concerned, that hoe needed to find a new corner.
“No, no, no. I sorry. I was at bank. I show up tomorrow, nine, maybe ten, to work so you forgive me,” he pleaded. I relented and agreed, because, as Three 6 Mafia knows, it’s hard out there for a pimp.