No-speak-um

It seems like forever since I’ve seen Alice. She and Hot Mustard have family in St. John and had to go visit – poor things. When I picked her up for Italian class today she started telling me about her trip. Then she showed me her legs and said, “I hate St. Thomas. We had to go to St. Thomas and I hate it.” I asked if the red spots taking over her legs were mosquito bites and she replied, “No, no-see-ums.” I asked, “Noseeums,” because in my mind that was all one word, “What are those?” “I don’t know,” said Alice, “I no see um.”

We got to class and it became apparent it was going to be a no-speak-um Italian night. This happens a lot. I highly doubt anyone in class can complete a full sentence in Italian, but we know a lot of nouns and everyone knows Overachiever has pantalones blu. I told Alice that Senor De la Cruz, my seventh grade Spanish teacher, would never let me get away with only knowing nouns. It was full sentences only in his class. In this class, I know borsa (purse), but I couldn’t tell you if I have one, want one, need one, wear one, stole one or dumped one out in front of the class.

Which is exactly what That’s Not Italian did today. She went Breakfast Club Ally Sheedy on our no-speak-um Italian asses and started pulling random items out of her borsa and having us name them in Italian. She preferred to pull the items out in twos, kind of like Noah, if he had a borsa instead of an ark.

Discussing the items in her borsa lead to a discussion about what the men in class like to use when they shave and how they do it. For example, Direct Translation informed everyone, “I use a shaving oil from Scotland, just two drops, it’s perfect.” Alice wrote me a note while this conversation was progressing, “Fucked Up Italian.” Yes, that is what we are taking, FUI. Alice is always spot on. That’s Not Italian was quite enjoying the shaving discussion and told us she has a tendency to “get on trandems.” Translation: go off on a tangent.

All of the shaving talk reminded me of the idea I had while swimming at the 55 and older pool. Q, MyFace, That’s Not Chinese and I were discussing the pros and cons of waxing and what all should be waxed. It was then that I had a visual and, of course, had to share it with them. I thought it might be a good idea to wax everything but the bikini line and let the bikini/side line pubic hairs grow out long enough to do a combover. Alice was quite pleased with this idea and we decided to ask That’s Not Italian how to say ‘combover’ in Italian. She told us, “Italians no combover, that’s America thing.” 

While heading home from class, Alice and I started talking about taking another class once this one ends. We’re thinking English. In doing so, maybe we’ll learn Italian.