The other night both Oreggano and I had some really bizarre dreams. The dream I remembered best was about an ex. Her dreams were about several old friends – not exes, but ‘could have beens.’
“That is so weird that we would both have bizarre exish dreams. I wonder why,” she pondered. Being that we had spent almost the entire day together – eating and drinking the same things – we decided on one common denominator, Doritos. Passed The Sniff Test had a bag of them at his party and we were sucking the cheese off of those corn chips like nobody’s business. At the time, we couldn’t have been happier. All Cheshire Cat smiley, with the corners of our smiles being a lovely orange. Strong competition for Ali Landry, I’ve no doubt.
“I guess it could have been the Doritos. I haven’t had them for years and I think I made up for that lost time yesterday,” I told her. “Most likely the MSG,” she advised me. “Do Doritos have MSG?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she replied.
Over the past few years, there has been a lot of hype about Monosodium glutamate, aka MSG. A few studies have been conducted in which it has been found that MSG may be associated with migraine headaches, obesity, hyperactivity and food allergies in children. For a while, a lot of people referred to these side effects as ‘Chinese Restaurant Syndrome.’ That’s Not Chinese might not agree with that correlation. More recent studies have shown MSG is not harmless.
The most recent study, Little Golden (that’s English for Doritos), conducted by Oreggano and I, found that while not harmless, MSG impacts REM. In our study, which lasted about five minutes, I revealed that in my dream my ex had sent an email to another girl in response to a picture of her. His email read, “Oh, yeah. Meowwww! Looking good.” “That really has to be the MSG because he never said ‘meow’ to me. Maybe the M in MSG stands for meow,” I told her. “It is quite possible,” Oreggano concurred.
As we were finalizing our study, Oreggano got a call from Quite Contrary and we moved quickly from MSG and REM analysis to DNA testing. Turns out there might be some paternity speculations abroad and she contacted Oreggano for her expertise on such matters. We suggested the most obvious samples, a mouth swab or hair follicle, however, Quite Contrary felt her technique might trump both of our suggestions, “I’m really good at visual DNAing.” “Well, then, get over there and take a look,” Oreggano demanded.
Another great paternity testing option is the MeowSG method. Cats meow when trying to signal their mother or owner. Thus, if all else fails, we can put the ‘cat’ in the room, let it meow, and wait to see who responds.