A couple of days ago Oreggano sent me a text telling me she had eradicated a mouse situation in her laundry room. Unfortunately, one mouse managed to avoid capture and was wreaking havoc on her morning. I am not a fan of mice. For me, they are uninvited guests who wore out their welcome the minute they crossed the threshold. As I was packing up my termination gear, I heard a sound outside.
There are certain sounds I recognize without ever actually seeing the device from whence they came. The clicking and spinning of a big wheel is one of them. As soon as I heard this sound I looked out the window to find my neighbor’s nephew was riding the big wheel I acquired last week.
So shocked by this visual, and being that it was first thing in the morning, I hopped in the car in my pajamas (a dress that I find very comfortable) and headed to Oreggano’s. While attempting to eradicate the mouse (to no avail), I told her about the big wheel. “That is not right,” Oreggano told me. “You stole it fair and square.” “You’re right,” I replied. “Next time I see that five-year-old I’ll remind him of that fact. After, of course, I tell him it is wrong to take something that doesn’t belong to him.”
Oreggano and Cream of Tartar just purchased a new car and I had not yet experienced the pleasure of riding in it, so we decided to leave the mouse behind, hop in the car, and make impromptu visits at the homes of some of our friends. The first stop was at Alice’s house. Like me, she was still in her pajamas. “What time is it? Noon?” she asked. “I’m not sure,” I replied. “This working five days a week is killing me,” she told us. “Tell me about it. I only work four and I’m exhausted,” I agreed.
After Alice’s house we decided to stop at That’s Not Chinese’s. As we were making our way we stumbled upon some goodness – a man walking down the street, long 80s rocker hair blowing in the wind, shirt off, and moobs and muffin top shaking to the beat of the afternoon traffic. “These are the times I wish I had thank you notes on hand,” I told Oreggano. “We owe him a thank you for that visual.”
Like Alice, That’s Not Chinese was surprised and pleased to have us visit. Oreggano was giving her a run down of our day so far. The mouse, the moob man, time with Alice. “We have been touching on shit together all day and haven’t even touched each other,” Oreggano told her. As she continued with the summary, we realized we had all the makings of a lesbian relationship, minus the lesbians. A Subaru outback (often referred to as a ‘lesbian limo’), a dog, and…OK, maybe not all the makings, but you get the idea. We decided to name Oreggano’s car Infront, change her dog’s name to Indigo, get a cat named Kitty Lang, and see if we could get season one of The L Word at the local market.
Once Oreggano and I returned home, we were joined by Dr. BJ for toilet repair (yes, it takes three of us to change a fill valve). As soon as we finished, we took our stoop positions and started hootin’ and hollerin’ at passers by – standard stoop practice. Within no time, we were joined by four of my neighbors; Listen Bitches being one of them.
All of the neighbors were fine drinking their wine out of a paper cup, all except for Listen Bitches, he wouldn’t have any part of that. “Listen bitches,” he told us, “I don’t drink my wine from a cup. Give me a glass.” “Fine,” I obliged, “but for the record, I’m pouring it from a box.” “Uh huh, wine from a paper cup, that is white trash,” Listen Bitches told Dr. BJ. “Uh huh, this isn’t white trash,” Dr. BJ corrected him, “this is black trash.”
In all of the time that Dr. BJ lived here, Listen Bitches never walked his dog by our house. “I can’t believe you never walked your dog down here,” Dr. BJ told him. “Uh huh,” replied Listen Bitches in his gay-angtsa tone, “I don’t walk my dog down this way because I heard there were black people down here.” “You are a treat,” I told Listen Bitches. “A real southern belle.” “Black people down here is right,” retorted Dr. BJ.
A few minutes later Dr. BJ started sashaying to the music that was playing. “That’s dancing?!?! I was expecting some rhythm,” quipped Listen Bitches. “Show us some of your moves,” Oreggano challenged him. “Listen bitches,” he replied and cackled.
Pretty soon, all of the guests had departed and Oreggano and I were hungry. “I know we’ve been trying to eat healthy,” she said, “but I’m craving some crap food.” I’m not entirely sure what she means by ‘eat healthy.’ The first thing that came to mind when she said it was National Corndog Day, so, I’m stumped. “What I really want,” she continued, “is biscuits and gravy.” So we made our way to the grocery store, “shopped like we just smoked weed,” and then decided to drop in on That’s Not Chinese, again.
We were in luck because she had just made dinner. We hunkered down at the table, enjoyed a couple of tacos and got to know her dinner guest. She didn’t offer us wine glasses, and we didn’t want to demand one like Listen Bitches, so we just shared the little wine that was left in the bottle, from the bottle. “We’re classy like that,” Oreggano told That’s Not Chinese as she took a sip.
Not wanting to intrude (any more than we already had), we left and returned to my house. A few minutes later and as promised, That’s Not Chinese was at the door, sans dinner guest. “This has been the best unplanned day ever,” That’s Not Chinese commented. “I must agree,” said Oreggano, “We’ve had incredible success with just stopping by without an invitation. Definitely must do it again soon.” “Infront, Indigo and all,” I added.