Ya znayu

A lot of people ponder why certain things happen, more specifically, why certain things happen to them. I wondered that about my herpe. Mostly because I know I didn’t do anything ‘fun’ to get it. Due to the fact that my herpe was so big, in my eyes it was huge – men love my eyes – I decided to name it: Carl. Simplex the First was a consideration, but the Carl’s Jr slogan, ‘If it doesn’t get all over the place, it doesn’t belong in your face,’ kept coming to mind. Herpes seem like the kind of thing that get all over the place.

After multiple topical applications, I received a text from The Responsible One inviting me to join her, Drink Whisperer, and some friends at a karaoke bar. This wasn’t just any karaoke bar, so I rubbed in my topical cream and made my way.

This karaoke bar had a magician (I Y Q and I work for tips), a karaoke performer who toots his own horn (literally, the man brings in a horn for certain songs), and an individual who does karaoke in sign language. “I’d like to hear that,” was Passed The Sniff Test’s comment when I told him about the latter.

Upon arriving, Drink Whisperer shared a story about a recent and frequent occurrence. “When I’m at the urinal, I keep noticing the other guys staring at my junk. So, I came up with a one liner to address it.” “What is it?” we all asked with anticipation. “I know,” Drink Whisperer proudly stated, “I say ‘I know’ and it just leaves them hangin’, literally.” “The nice thing about that statement is it can apply to both big and small,” I interjected. “I know,” Drink Whisperer loudly whispered back.

A little while later Drink Whisperer excused himself from the table, went to the making room room and returned with a concern. “Does anyone speak Russian?” Drink Whisperer asked and continued, “I just had that same thing happen in the bathroom but the guy was Russian and I need to know how to say ‘I know’ in Russian.” I quickly Googled this information for Drink Whisper. “Ya znayu?” replied Drink Whisperer, “I like that. Can you please write that down somewhere so I can remember it?”

As the night was ending and the bar was closing one of the patrons, who most likely used a fake ID to get in, was chatting it up with me. The magician had come to our table and Drink Whisperer had tipped him so he would stick around and do magic tricks. The young one with fake ID leaned in near me and said, “This magic is great and we could sit here and watch it or we could go make out.” Wow. Even in high school I don’t believe I ever got asked to ‘go make out.’ I politely replied, “No thank you. I’ve got a herpe.” “What?” he replied. “I have a herpe, on my lip,” I repeated. “Why would you say something like that to me?” he asked. “Because, I have a herpe,” I reiterated and pointed to Carl, “This is not something I intend to give to anyone.”

After he finally left, The Responsible One apologized to me, “I’m so sorry and so embarrassed. I can’t believe he did that.” “It’s OK,” I  replied, “Ya znayu. I couldn’t figure out how or why I had this herpe and now, ya znayu. I have it so I don’t have to make out with him.”