Tree recently planned a last-minute brunch at my house. As most brunches go with us, this was more of a drunch with nomosas (that’s just champagne and no juice for you amateurs out there) than an actual brunch with food. Knowing that I had tomato juice, olives and vodka at the ready, I decided to offer up some Bloody Mary’s as well.
The drunch started at one and, as usual, Live Longer and Big Bounty were on time. Tree and Awkward, not so usual, were late. To be more specific, they were fashionably late. “We stopped at the second-hand store before coming here,” Tree informed me as he stood in my doorway, champagne in hand, donning a Star Wars t-shirt with a ‘Flashdance’/80s neckline; his long, bright red wig; daisy dukes; and black high-heeled boots. “You look lovely,” I replied and handed him a rather strong Bloody Mary – bold looks call for bold beverages.
As the drinks flowed into his blood stream, he posed a health related question, which was asked of him by his mother, “What is my blood pressure right now?” “Body dysmorphia,” Awkward quipped. Tree laughed, threw his long red hair over his shoulder, looked in the mirror and said, “I’ve always wanted to be a ginger…on crack. I could look at myself all day.”
With his self-esteem in tact, Live Longer and Big Bounty suggested boosting it a bit more with a drag queen makeover; Tree was all over this idea. Unfortunately, my make-up bag was not. “Is this all of the make-up you have?” Big Bounty asked. “Yes. I’m pretty low maintenance,” I replied. “No foundation? Really?” Live Longer asked and added, “I can’t believe this with all of the costumes you own. I’ve got some foundation and make-up at home that I can give you.” “I can’t believe you’re just now realizing I have no foundation – in every sense of the word,” I replied.
As Big Bounty and Live Longer applied Tree’s make-up, a couple of things were transpiring: 1) the booze were really settling in, and 2) his self-esteem was rising faster than his mother’s blood pressure. “If I close my eyes I get dizzy,” he told Big Bounty when she instructed him to close his eyes so she could apply eye make-up. She acknowledged his concern and picked up the pace (no pun intended, Tree). “I’m taking lots of pictures of you and posting them on the World Wide Web,” I advised him. “They’re pictures of me, I probably won’t delete them,” he replied and added, “I could totally be a celebrity. Look at me, getting my make-up done.”
As he got his makeover, Awkward and I danced on the porch. Awkward danced far more than I did and not (entirely) because of Live Longer’s observation/comment to me, “Now that I’ve seen them, and I’ve seen you, I have to say you dance like a straight man.” It was Awkward’s dancing, and requests by both him and Tree, that caused me to stop dancing and start filming.
As Awkward danced, Tree screamed from his make-up chair, “Hey, it’s about me, not you.” “Wait, look at me, look at me,” Awkward advised us while busting some mad moves. “Hey! Over here! I will cut you!” Tree snapped, just like a drag queen, while Awkward kept (awkwardly) dancing.
Live Longer applied some finishing/contouring touches to Tree’s face and then complimented him, “You look beautiful…and thinner too.” “Mama needs a drink and a song,” was Tree’s response. Awkward kindly obliged, making him a very stiff gin and tonic.
Tree finished the drink and, a few minutes later, retreated to the loo. “I’m pretty sure he is going to throw up. He had drunk sweat on his lips when I was applying the glitter,” Big Bounty advised.
She was right. Tree exited the loo and announced, “I threw up…brushed my teeth.” In response, I asked, “Wait….with my toothbrush?”
He didn’t respond. Instead, a striptease commenced – no need for good foundation to have a good day.