Sleepless owns a pair of underwear that clearly states her mantra, ‘Safety First.’ The message is stenciled boldly across her ass and, occasionally, she’ll flash it to others (close friends, Ice Cream Man and a photo opp every now and again). Even if you haven’t seen it, if you know Sleepless, you know she prefers to be safe.
So much so, she takes antibacterial lotion with her everywhere and is constantly assessing her surroundings. I don’t often partake in the lotion, but I, too, assess my surroundings. Instead of looking for dangers, however, I’m looking for photo opps, security cameras and paparazzi.
Recently, while at a farewell party for one of our favorite karaoke masters and enjoying our full pour of incredibly cheap and stale wine, our friend started tooling around the bar with a Nerf gun. Sleepless isn’t a fan of guns and with good reason – she has been shot, several times (back off Drunk Whisperer, this is not a competition). For the most part, the Nerf gun activity didn’t bother Sleepless until the gun and sponge ammo were both directed and shot at her. When this happened, she was both bothered and offended. Rightly so. As her friend, I consoled. “If you want to light him on fire that is totally fine,” I told her.
I said this because our favorite karaoke master and, now, not so favorite Nerf gun bearer, was drinking quite heavily one evening, passed out in the campfire, and ended up with burns over a majority of his body. As a result, he has stopped drinking. Why? He doesn’t want to get anywhere near the situation he experienced in the past – just like Sleepless. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy for Sleepless to avoid sounds that mimic or are gunshots. Thus, she tries to steer clear of anything that bear a resemblance.
“You two are so insensitive,” Ice Cream Man told us in response to my comment. “We’re only joking and trying to make a point. We would never actually do it. Besides, he is drinking O’Doul’s and non-alcoholic means non-flammable,” I quipped. Safety and friends first – it’s a good motto.