Respectable Professional and I have a lot in common. We like wine, good food and friends and we’re sexy…clothed. While enjoying some time together the other day we were discussing recent intimate encounters. “I feel like I’m sexy clothed, but unclothed, I’m not so sure,” she told me. “I hear ya,” I replied, thinking about the coupon for laser treatments.
A few days later I stopped by That’s Not Chinese’s house and told her I might be meeting up with a boy. “Did you trim that shit?” she asked. “No, I’m waiting on a coupon,” I replied. “That’s it, let’s go to my bathroom right now – I’ve got a razor,” she advised me. “I am not shaving with you and your razor,” I adamantly told her. “You have given up. Seriously, given up. You might as well start wearing sweats,” she said and then looked down at her sweats and started laughing. “Really?” I replied. “Hey, stop it. I cut off the elastic at the bottom to make them capri style.” “They’re still sweats,” I said. “You still need to take care of that shit,” she advised and asked, in between massive laughter, “Do you want me to go get my pruners?”
As the night with That’s Not Chinese progressed it was obvious the pubic service announcement had gotten her attention. “I bet you’ve got your own Grey Gardens down there,” she told me. “Everybody loves Grey Gardens,” I replied. “This isn’t Florida and not everyone loves Bush Gardens,” Unfazed piped in. “You know what you are? You’re an Egg McMuffin,” That’s Not Chinese interjected and continued, “Yes, an Egg McMuffin. When the police catch you they’ll most likely take a muff shot.” “They’re not going to catch me because my family is with the muffia,” I fired back. “I can’t take you serious right now, you’re wearing a grandma house dress,” she, the capri style sweats fashionista said to me. “It is not a grandma house dress. It is a vintage jammie jack,” I replied. “No. It looks like you just shortened somebody’s grandma’s robe and decided to wear it as a jacket,” she told me, “Now smile for your muff shot.”
So much for my sexy clothed theory.