There are many people, myself included, who wonder how it was ever possible that I was the president of Future Homemakers of America (FHA).
The other day, while attempting to organize my closet, I came across some stuck items on the shelf. As I was yanking them out of stuckness, a container fell off the shelf and landed on my money maker. No, not my ass, my face. Primary point of contact: my mouth. Even though I was alone, my eyes widened as if to say, “What the FHA!?!” My first instinct was to check for my teeth. Thankfully, they were all still intact – I’m a little too old to be asking Santa for two front teeth.
I quickly headed to the freezer to grab an Otter Pop so as to reduce the swelling – very FHA of me. As the Otter Pop began to thaw I realized I would need to treat my lip and pounding headache with an additional chilled device: ice paired with a glass of Irish cream liqueur. It was at this time that I received a text message from Opreggano, catching up with me on the day’s events. I had been craving an avocado (I believe this may be a side effect of being hit by falling objects), so I decided to eat one. “It should help with the swelling,” I told her. “Does avocado help with swelling?” she asked. “I’m allergic to it, makes my lips swell,” I advised her. “You will look like you stepped out of Beverly Hills with a lip enhancement,” she replied and added, “You should have your own show.” I reminded her I am on Wilson Phillips: Still Holding On and then sent her a picture of my lips. “OMG those are huge!” “Please, don’t hate,” I replied. “I have lip envy!”she said.
The next day, I decided to give homemaking another go and bake some bread. Being that I had so many ripe bananas, I opted to increase the recipe by 2/3. As I was halfway through my 1 2/3 project, I realized I didn’t have enough eggs or shortening. My FHA wisdom solved the shortening shortage – use butter and reduce salt. Eggs, unfortunately, do not have a substitute and I needed to go to the store.
Like so many other homemakers, aka domestic goddesses, I had been lounging around all day in a comfy fleece sweatsuit. Although sweatsuits are great around the house, camping, and in old school rap videos, they’re not always great out on the town. Being that it was less than 20 degrees outside, I embraced my comfy beauty, accessorized with a pair of snow boots and beanie, and headed to the grocery store. I had been texting That’s Not Chinese about my baking adventures when I shared my attire with her and added, “Reason #347 why I’m not getting laid.” She replied, “Shit, that must be why I’m not either….I only wear those in the states.” Yes, our sweats are only for domestic travel. That helps keep things special, especially when you’re shagging a Shaman.