While at dinner with Opreggano we were discussing what we call, ‘we’ve been meaning to tell you.’ “I have some concerns about telling people what I’ve been meaning to tell them,” I told her. Telling people how you feel is not always appreciated. We’ve all heard the phrase, ‘tell people how you feel before it’s too late.’ Once you do this, it is too late – too late to take it back. I have found that telling someone what I’ve been meaning to tell them often results in me not getting a raise, them avoiding me, not speaking with me ever again, or, even worse, they no longer read my blog. “I really don’t want to jeopardize my readership. I think I’m up to four and if I lose just one person that is one-quarter of my readers,” I advised Opreggano. “I read it all of the time and, when they’re good, I have Cream Of Tartar read them,” she replied. “When they’re good? So how often does he read them?” I asked. “He’s a lot like That’s Not Chinese, in that, he likes to read them when he is in them.” “Great,” I replied with little confidence.
This is my 585th entry. I did a search of those in which Cream Of Tartar is mentioned: 39. I’m screwed. “Look, don’t worry about it. I’ll have him read them more often. I like it when you pull out your bitch,” Opreggano told me and then raised her hand for a high bitch slap.
A few nights later, I was attending an award event for student veteran of the year at a nearby university. The award recipient was none other than Skirt Chaser. Passed The Sniff Test, Bitchin’ Camaro and I were completely irreverent. “I’m not sure we should sit together. There is a chance we’ll get in trouble,” I told them while assessing the seating situation and being reminded of the funeral I recently attended. “Even more reason to sit together,” Passed The Sniff Test replied. As we were reading about Skirt Chaser’s accomplishments, Passed The Sniff Test quipped, “They forgot to list Skirt Chaser as one of his titles.” We were perusing the food when we noticed a ‘Donated by’ sign. “I’m surprised Planned Parenthood didn’t donate the food,” I told them. Then, when receiving his award, he was presented with a large (fake) check from a local bank. They advised him the check could be used for tuition, books and other miscellaneous supplies. “Condoms,” quipped Bitchin’ Camaro.
After the award ceremony, we all went to dinner and Passed The Sniff Test advised Skirt Chaser of our comments. “That’s right!” Skirt Chaser proudly replied and extended his arm for a fist bump. From here, the conversation turned to homelessness – how and why, I cannot recall. “The homeless people in D.C. are da bomb ’cause they’re gender biased,” Not A Skirt Chaser told us. “Gender biased? What do you mean?” Bitchin’ Camaro asked. “When a man walks by they’re all like, ‘Hey man, give me a dollar. Give me some money.’ When a women walks by they’re all, ‘Hey baby. Lookin’ good. Mmmm hmmm hmmm.I’d like to get me some of that. You want to come home with me?'” he told us, gestures and all. “Home? I think they mean to say, ‘You want to come homeless with me?'” I stated.
This brought up the topic of a campus groper. Apparently there is a man on campus who has been groping women. “Let’s go up there and do some vigilante justice,” Bitchin’ Camaro suggested. “I’m game,” I told her and added, “When we catch him we can say, ‘Cop Afeel of Vigilante Patrol. You’re under arrest.'” “I love it!” Bitchin’ Camaro. “You should really consider changing your last name to Afeel,” I advised her. “Yes, you should. Then when people recognize you (as a reporter did earlier this evening), instead of saying, ‘Lieutenant, right?,’ they can say, ‘Cop Afeel?'” Passed The Sniff Test exclaimed. Recognize.