Fumblerooski!

After dumpster diving, Tree and I returned to my house for lunch and relaxing prior to a little get together with That’s Not Chinese and Alice. Just as we finished eating, we received a text from That’s Not Chinese asking if we thought a local fast food restaurant would deliver. We attempted to text her back, but my phone hasn’t been working well lately, so the text did not exactly make sense. “Seems like you aRE drinking too LOL,” she replied. We weren’t and this wasn’t the first time my phone made it appear as though I had imbibed. Instead of texting back, we phoned her.

“What are you doing?” I asked her. “Just watching the (football) game and wishing I had a corndog,” she replied. “Are you a drunken whore?” Tree asked. “What?” she replied. Tree giggled and then, like in Super Troopers when they threw ‘meow’ in as often as they could, we both begin sneaking the word ‘whore’ into our sentences whenever possible. “This is exactly why I need my own show,” Tree told me and continued, “This would be a great episode.” Then he asked That’s Not Chinese, “When are you going to get here, whore or five?” “What?” she asked. “He wants to know if you will be here before whore,” I advised her. “I can’t understand you two,” she said and asked, “Do you have food and, if I come over, can I watch football?” Neither Tree or I are football watchers, but we enjoyed That’s Not Chinese’s company. “Yes, come on owhore,” I replied. “This is going to be fun,” Tree giggled again.

That’s Not Chinese arrived in her Chicago Bears Jersey atop her sweatsuit and ready to watch football. “It’s like I’m eight again,” Tree told her. “Which parent am I?” That’s Not Chinese asked him. “My stepdad,” Tree replied. “I guess I’ll be your mom,” I told him and added, “Seems right since the guy at the store asked if I was your mom.” As I was making That’s Not Chinese a BLT, I yelled to her from the kitchen, “How many pieces of bacon? Three or whore?” “Doesn’t matter to me,” she replied while Tree giggled.

That’s Not Chinese decided wearing the jersey and a sweatshirt was a bit warm, so she attempted to take off the sweatshirt – in front of Tree and I – without taking off the jersey. She discovered this might result in her exposing herself to Tree so, instead of leaving the room, she turned her back to him, lifted the hoodie – which got stuck on her head, and, because she had turned to face the mirror, left her back and front exposed to Tree. “OK, you no longer remind me of my stepdad,” Tree quipped. “I think he could have gone the rest of his life without seeing that,” I told her. “Are you saying that because I’m fat?” she asked. “No. I’m saying that because he is gay,” I replied. “Oh, well, like I told you the other day, we could start a show called ‘Two and a Half Women.’ I can be the two and you can be the half,” she quipped as I helped her remove the hoodie from her head. “Great idea,” I replied. That’s Not Chinese then screamed (in response to the game). Tree and I looked at each other, wide-eyed, and he asked, “What are you screaming whore?” “What?” she asked.

Just as we didn’t understand her game, she didn’t understand our game. (Half) Time for the whore d’oeuvres!