In Security

Traveling, especially when going through the different government security procedures, can be rather interesting.

As we prepared to return to the states, That’s Not Chinese advised me and another passenger, “Be ready for the questions.” Sure enough, they came. G4S is an international security solutions company and the equivalent of TSA in the states – they have very similar uniforms, procedures and appear to attract/employ the same caliber of people. If you’ve interacted with G4S or TSA or you are employed by either corporation, you know exactly what I am talking about.

One of the G4S employees called us from the queue, scanned our passports and began the ‘speed dating’ process. “Why did you visit Amsterdam?” “How long have you known each other?” “How long were you in this country?” These questions were easily answered, primarily because they didn’t have a subset of questions. This next question, however, did. “Did you pack your own bags?” “Yes,” I answered. “Were they in your possession the whole time?” “Yes.” “Do you know why I ask this question?” “Yes.” “Why?” Excited to show I knew my stuff, I replied, “Because it could be dangerous.”

The expression on G4S’ face gave me the feeling I may have answered incorrectly, which made me a little insecure and reminded me of those times when officers asked, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” My attorney has advised me this is a question you never answer. With that in mind, I asked G4S a question. “Ummm, am I doing this right?” This question solicited no response from him. “Could you please repeat the question?” I asked in hopes of providing a response that solicited a different facial response. I quickly learned this was not going to happen.

Not one to want to end on a bad note and one who is always curious, I decided to ask him a closing question. “Can you really see all of the places we have been when you enter our passport information in your computer system?” “Yes,” he replied, completely non-engaging. “Wow,” I replied, intrigued. “That’s why you have a passport, huh,” he replied matter of factly while returning my passport to That’s Not Chinese and hers to me.

Over ten hours later, we were doing the same thing, but in the states. I had completed the Customs Declaration form and, for whatever reason, dated it 22/5/91. “91?” the TSA employee questioned me, “What is this?” “Hmmm, I have no idea.” “Maybe you could make a copy of it and sell it on ebay,” he suggested and laughed. The next employee paid no attention to the date, “Did you bring in any plants or seeds?” “No,” I answered, “I’m no Green Thumb.” “I am a Green Thumb,” That’s Not Chinese advised him, “But I didn’t bring any plants or seeds.” These responses solicited no intrigue or additional dialogue.

We made it to our gate and assessed the situation, emphasis on the ass. “This flight is much shorter than the last one,” That’s Not Chinese commented. “Yes,” I replied, “One and a half hours versus ten hours is a bit of a difference.” “Same, same, but different,” she quipped. I suggested we take our time boarding the plane since we had spent most of our day sitting or waiting in queues. I steered clear of the gate until the very last minute, looking out the window and waiting to see them load my bag on the plane.

That’s Not Chinese walked near the gate to check out the queue when the questions and answers began again. “Are you on this flight?” the gate agent asked her. “Yes.” “May I have your boarding pass?” “No.” “Are you waiting for someone?” “No.” “Is there a reason you don’t want to board?” “Yes, I don’t want to stand it that line.” “Better be careful,” I, like a full-blooded American (who just watched Due Date on the last flight – great movie), yelled from my spot at the window, “Green thumb or not, they might put you on the no fly list.”