Outro

FatGirl decided to make his first pork roast and Sleepless and I were some of the privileged few who were invited to partake. Being that he just moved into a basement apartment, he invited his landlords to join us. The landlords live directly above FatGirl, so we were asking them how he was as a tenant. “Can you hear his music playing?” asked Sleepless. “Yes, but it’s not too loud. It’s just a thump, thump.” “What?” FatGirl asked as he was returning from the kitchen and completely misunderstood what was said. “It’s not my music that you hear? Hmmmm. It must be my porn. I sometimes watch porn on my computer but I didn’t realize it was that loud.” Once he realized he had outed himself, he decided it was time we head out.

Sleepless and I then met up with The Responsible One and Drink Whisperer for karaoke at our favorite private club for non-members. As usual, I had ‘reserved’ the entire bar. Drink Whisperer and The Responsible One were new to the bar and, as one might guess, they were proper impressed. Drink Whisperer had ‘prepped’ at home so he would be ready to sing. “Thanks for that bottle of pinot a go-go,” he told me. “It was a small bottle, but a lot of wine.”

Tile soon met up with us and we were selecting songs when Drink Whisperer chose to share some of his feelings, “I hate getting shot. I really do. I’m so sick of it.” Drink Whisperer comes from a family of hunters. “People are assholes. They’re hunting, they get mad or drunk or both and shoot each other,” he informed us. “I’m cool with the lead, but the rock salt, come on.” Being that we weren’t anywhere near hunting grounds, we figured he could put that concern to rest for the night.

We refocused his attention by recommending a duet with The Responsible One. After their duet, The Responsible One sang Alone by Heart. Mid-song, her mic stopped working. Sleepless graciously and quickly offered up her mic. The Responsible One was giving the song all she had when Drink Whisperer attempted to make it a duet. “Stop singing,” she told him with a tight grip on both mics, “you’re throwing me off.”

After hours and hours of hits, we went to a 24-hour restaurant for breakfast. Upon arriving, Drink Whisperer saw some youth in the lobby and began chatting with one of them. Within seconds he was conducting a nystagmus test on him. “You didn’t pass it,” Drink Whisperer told him and advised, “You really shouldn’t be driving. Don’t do it.” “You really shouldn’t be administering nystagmus tests on people right now,” The Responsible One advised him.

We sat down and were greeted by our pregnant server who, for whatever reason, asked Drink Whisperer, “Did you just get out of jail?” “No,” he responded, “but that’s a good question.” I’m not sure that is actually a good question if you’re serving tables. After she walked away I asked, “Is it poor taste to leave a condom as a tip?” “Not at all,” Sleepless stated. A few seconds later, Drink Whisperer held up the condom and asked, “Would it be weird to put this on right now?” “Yes, don’t do it,” The Responsible One advised him and that was our outro.