Fruitless

Tip of the day: Don’t store your banana in the breast pocket of your dress shirt. Unless, of course, you like to be teased. I can already guess what you’re thinking, “Who doesn’t like to be teased?” or “Banana in the breast – nothing says ‘aloha’ like the Hawaiian muscle movement.” The biggest problem with storing your banana there is you are setting yourself up for the age-old question, “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Which is exactly what I asked a coworker when he entered a meeting this morning with a banana in the breast pocket of his shirt. His response, “Yes to both.” Smooth, very smooth. A few seconds later he pulled the banana out of his pocket and started ‘chasing’ it with his toasted English muffin. I must say he eats a very sexually suggestive breakfast, and in public, no less.

Later in the day, at another meeting, I was asked what I thought about a recent project. As soon as I responded I realized 1) not everyone knows ‘sign’ and 2) some things are best saved for friends and dinner parties. My response was simple. It was the internationally known and acclaimed ‘jack off gesture.’ If only I had watched the office clip from The Whitest Kids U’Know, I could have avoided that awkward post public ‘jack off’ moment.

After a long day of meetings I met up with That’s Not Chinese for tacos and wine. As we were chatting about our weekends, the topic of football came up. A lot of people I know really like football. I, however, am not one of those people. That’s Not Chinese is one of those people and does not, in the least, understand my non-interest. I decided perhaps an analogy was in order, to provide  better understanding. “Football is like a vibrator with dead batteries,” I told her, “it does nothing for me.”

From there, our conversation somehow moved to bearing fruit. This topic was like football for me and I advised That’s Not Chinese, “Don’t count on results from me, I am fruitless.”