Sexy Time

The latest piece of goodness I have retrieved from my parents’ home is a 1980s circa one-piece snowsuit. A true thing of beauty – royal blue nylon with red and yellow racing stripes on the chest and a stainless clasp belt for the waist. This snowsuit is a major blast from the past; also a blast from the past was the blown-out ass seam. Being that the blowout was on the backside, I couldn’t see it, so it mattered not. I decided to pair the snowsuit with royal blue Scott goggles, also 1980s circa, and make my way to OregganO’s to check out her Edith Ann style folding camping chair.

As I was getting ready to leave, I dropped the goggles and bent over to retrieve them. “Wow,” I said – with restricted breath, “Until now, I never realized how much we need our crouches to breathe – the bottom half of this snowsuit is so tight it feels like my respiratory functions are being cut off at my crouch.”

I then hopped, actually cleverly maneuvered, myself into the car and started making my way to OregganO’s. I quickly found out I was enjoying the music and the warmth of the snowsuit all too much when Dirk and I flew right by a covert police car. Within seconds my music and snowsuit were complimented by lights and siren. MiniMe, who was driving behind me, found this to be rather amusing and pulled off the road ahead of me to laugh it up.

Somehow, probably the sex appeal of the one-piece snowsuit coupled with the goggles propped loosely atop my head, I managed to receive a warning only. “Just going to give you a warning,” the Officer told me, “we’re looking for DUIs tonight and you don’t look like a DUI.”  This news both pleased and confused me. I was pleased because I definitely did not want a ticket and knew, from prior bending experience, that my field sobriety test taking skills would be greatly compromised by the snowsuit. I was completely confused, however, because even though profiling is not ethical, I can’t imagine I looked ‘average’. In fact, when I finally arrived at OregganO’s house she opened the door and said, “Oh, my, you’re special.”

A few minutes into our visit, I had unzipped the top half of my snowsuit and let it hang around my waist, “ski lodge style.” I was enjoying the beauty of OregganO’s new chair when I again saw lights, sans siren. “Don’t worry about that,” OregganO assured me, “It’s just the person who is house sitting across the way – she and her boyfriend go there for sexy time.” I knew exactly what OregganO meant by sexy time, because sexy had just gotten me out of a ticket. I imagined the house sitters in moon boots, snowsuits, beanies and mittens – super sexy.

The next day, OregganO and I decided to go to the gym to get a head start on everybody’s New Year’s resolution: exercise. While on the treadmills we heard grunting sounds coming from the free weights. “You hear that?” OregganO asked. “Yep,” I replied, “Sexy time?” “Most likely,” she answered. “They best be careful,” I added. “If they’re not, love (aka Rhoid) will rear it’s ugly head and they’ll soon be on a double date.”