Passed The Sniff Test decided to host a volleyball/barbeque party at his house. There is a park within walking distance, so that is where he set up the volleyball net. Oreggano and I walked over from her house to find them (him, Dr. BJ, Skirt Chaser and Not Skirt Chaser) already involved in a game. “Hey, join in the game. But you probably don’t want to take off your shoes,” advised Not Skirt Chaser while looking down at the sand. “Yeah, you definitely don’t want to step on a hypodermic needle,” Dr. BJ agreed. So began the joys of sports in an inner city park.
With each serve, Not Skirt Chaser would call out, “Service.” And, with each call out of ‘service,’ Dr. BJ would giggle and say, “That sounds so naughty. I wanna be served.” A few services into the game, Oreggano was talking with Passed The Sniff Test and Dr. BJ about needle pokes, but being on the other side of the net, we only heard this part of the conversation, “One poke, five pokes. Once you’ve been poked the other pokes don’t matter.” Not Skirt Chaser again called out, “Service.” It is true. When you’re being served, it is important not to focus on the number of pokes – it just creates angst.
Once we made it to Passed The Sniff Test’s house, we sat on the porch and had a couple of beers. Being at home, Passed The Sniff Test was sitting back comfortably in his chair with his legs wide open. “You have a major hole in the crotch of your shorts,” I advised him. Everyone’s eyes went straight to his crotch and he replied, “I hope you can see my nuts.” Dr. BJ immediately grabbed the camera. Passed The Sniff Test went in the house to change and, while doing so, opted to press his bare ass against the window. The camera was clicking away. When he returned to the porch, Dr. BJ questioned him. “A nut shot and a squirrel shot. What is going on?” “I’m a squirrel, what can I say?” Passed The Sniff Test replied.
Dr. BJ and I had placed our chairs on what was once lawn (and now appeared to be hay) and were reminiscing about our time as roommates, “Things were a lot simpler when we were roommates,” he kept telling me. “One of us needs to rent out our house and then we can move in together again.” Like many who smoke, Dr. BJ was experiencing some angst and wanted to smoke a cigarette. Unfortunately, he also had angst about smoking on the lawn. “I’m going to go out there (city sidewalk) and smoke. I’m afraid doing so here is a smoking hazard.” And with that, he stood on the sidewalk and smoked while leaning over the fence to hold his beer in an attempt to avoid an open container ticket.
Luckily, he avoided a citation and returned to the yard around the same time another guest arrived – with children. Based on the party participants and events leading up to this moment, having children at the party may not have been the best idea. Bitchin’ Camaro, however, is skilled in the art of crowd control and has been a girl scout leader for over a decade, so she managed to keep the little girl’s attention on other things. Until, the little one decided to step on the grass. “What is this?” the little girl asked about that which was touching her bare feet. “That is grass, but it is usually green and alive,” Bitchin’ Camaro advised her.
A few minutes later, I sat uncomfortably in my chair. Continually moving from side to side in an attempt to relieve some burning and itching I was experiencing. Don’t be crude in your thoughts – the burning and itching was taking place on my thighs. Being an observant city dweller, Oreggano noticed my apparent discomfort. “What’s going on? Are you ready to go?” “Yes, but that’s not why I’m moving around like this. I feel like I’m getting bit.” Sure enough, an ant had made it’s way to my chair, was gnawing on my thighs, and making it’s way to France (also known as my ass). “I’ve got ants in my pants. We’ve got to go,” I announced.
We walked back to Oreggano’s, however, the itching and burning didn’t subside. In addition, I now had complete angst about the ants. I felt like they were all over my body and I felt compelled to scratch everywhere. In an attempt to remedy my angst and the ants, I took an antihistamine, hopped in the shower, and rejoined Oreggano on the porch, sans pants. “Sorry,” I told her, “I couldn’t bring myself to put my shorts back on. Hope you like France.”