Month: February 2011

It’s been a couple of days since my last entry. “That’s what he said,” is what S-Unit is probably thinking right now. I’d like to thank everyone who asked about the status of the blog, and by ‘everyone,’ I mean Sleepless. In answer to her question, no, this is not Prince Charming or recession related.  MC Static Cling and I have been working on some back-end issues. Yes, S-Unit, that is what he said.

While down, I learned a lot of interesting facts. Mostly, about angry clowns. I was on a date, talking about my beach cruiser and how I’ve tricked it out with some classic and classy accessories – bell, horn, drink holder. OregganO and I are regular riders, and by ‘regular’ I mean we ride our bikes once a month or so when it is warm outside.

On one fine summer evening we had visitation with a tandem from a previous relationship, so, in Kanye West fashion, we grabbed our shutter shades and our coffee cups and started cruisin’ around town – because we’re down like that.  If you have ever ridden a tandem, you know it requires coordination and, if you’ve ever met me, you know I have none. Thus, I would shout out instructions to OregganO, “Turn, pedal, drink,” in an attempt to ensure a safe and tasty ride.

As I was sharing these details with my date, he found great interest in the bicycle horn. “I’ve got to get a bicycle horn.” He is a musician, so I thought he might want to add it to his other cool bits of equipment, specifically, the cow bell – I was wrong. “No, I need it as part of my tool kit, per say. Have you ever heard of the ‘Angry Clown?'” I hadn’t heard of the Angry Clown and I could tell by the look on his face this was something I would have to Nancy Drewgle later.

Work is probably not the best place to Nancy Drewgle ‘Angry Clown.’ Unless, like me, your goal each day is to see how many times you receive the ‘restricted website access’ message. Not one to give up easily, I Nancy Drewgle’d at OregganO’s house. Looks like the bicycle horn is just one of many accessories needed to do the Angry Clown. Seltzer water, talcum powder and creme pies are also staple to this trick. OregganO and I were dumbfounded by this discovery. How had we not heard of this before and who does something like this? “One,” OregganO commented, “it’s weird. Two, that’s a lot to remember – far too many steps to take.” Even in big ol’ clown shoes, the Angry Clown has way too many steps and it’s a little creepy.  “Well,” I told her, “I’m not doing it. I’m into messin’ around, not clownin’ around.”

While out and about today I decided to buy some pillows for my couch. The pillows came in a set of two and I was only able to find one set. I preferred two sets, but since they didn’t have another, I settled for one and figured I would assess the situation when I got home.

In an attempt to almost fully experience the new pillows, I fluffed all of the cushions on the couch and put the other pillows to the side. I did not, however, take the two pillows – which were tied together – out of their packaging.

A little later on I was chatting with MiniMe and D-Dog when MiniMe posed a question, “Why do you still have those pillows in their packaging?” “I’m not sure I’m going to keep them.” “You should,” MiniMe advised. “They’re cute and your other pillows are, well, they’ve seen better days.” “Easy,” I told her. “Those old pillows are just like me.” “I can’t wait to hear this comparison,” D-Dog excitedly commented. “They may not be the best looking, but they’re really good to cuddle up with, super comfy.”

That probably isn’t the best comparison, but as I looked at the old pillows I noticed some of their bits weren’t where they used to be – the batting bulgedin some places and was non-existent in others. The firm shape they once had is now soft and cooshy. In spite of these signs of aging, the pillows still have a draw. They’re comfy, cozy, easy to wrap your arms around and quickly bounce back into shape when company is coming. Forget being an old hag, I’m going to be an old pillow.

That’s Not Chinese is very happy today – I’ve no doubt – because it is the first day of the month in the lunisolar calender. Which makes today the beginning of Chinese New Year, a very Chinese holiday. Hopefully That’s Not Chinese will follow tradition and pour out the money, presents, food and the like.

 

Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of all of the traditions, so I didn’t clean my house in order to sweep away the bad luck. No need to worry, due to a story I heard last year about a broom, I always keep my broom and dust pan out of the way of company. In addition to preventing good luck from being swept away, it just seems like a good idea.

 

I was very aware, however, that it is the year of the Rabbit. How could I not be? There has been a lot of ‘buzz’ about it on the news and near the water cooler. Goodbye Dolphin, hello Rabbit. Both made in China, thus, both very Chinese. Sleepless is pretty sure one of the major battery manufacturers is sponsoring this year’s Zodiac Animal. She may be on to something, literally.

 

To keep with the tradition that I started last year, I decided to celebrate with something Japanese. Last year: sushi. This year: fortune cookies. Regardless of their origin, fortune cookies are delicious and it was truly as if the fortunes were written specifically for the Year of the Rabbit. “Plan for many pleasures ahead; Our first and last love…is self love; The first step to better times is to imagine them.”

 

Confucius say, “This is Chinese. This is going to be a great year. Bzzzzzzzzzz.”

Received a call from a Lord today.  You are absolutely right in what you are thinking, “A Lord? Oh my Lord!” Yes, a Lord called me.  The purpose of his call was to make a clemency request, stat. Now you’re probably thinking, “Pardon me?” No, sorry, not you, he wanted clemency for one of his friends.

While gathering more information, I referred to his friend as an ‘individual.’ The Lord was not pleased. “She is not an individual, a person, a client, or a resident – she is a woman.” Thank the Lord for this clarification. Before ending the call I got the Lord’s contact information – not so I could call him again, rather, so I could alert the authorities. It was at this time that I, for the first time, heard of the use of a colon in someone’s name.  This moment was almost as good as the introduction of Sa5m from Bandslam, “Sa5m, the 5 is silent.”  

The mid-name ‘:’ really got me thinking about punctuation, which got me thinking about flash kicking ass. Turns out Mr. Hennessey, Goldie’s landlord in Foul Play, failed to respect the comma after the word ‘flash.’ “…in a flash, kicking ass,” means something very different than “…in a flash kicking ass.”

A little later in the day I was teaching a class and mentioned I once worked in the prison. After class, and faster than a flash kicking ass, one of the students approached me and asked when I worked at the prison. He then informed me he had “done time – about a year.” This comment allowed me to use one of the Lord’s words, “Were you granted clemency?” “Nah, just did straight time.” Then, just for shits and giggles I said, “Pardon me, but I must be going, stat.”

I received a voice message from S-Unit letting me know she wished I lived closer and adding, “It would be so much fun. We could party all the time, like that song, ‘Fun all the time, fun all the time, funnnnnnnnn all the time.'” I don’t know how she does it, but she has a knack for completely screwing up lyrics even at times when she has just spoken them correctly.

I returned her call and we started talking about all of the fun we could have if we lived in the same city, especially when it came to finding her future mate.  I don’t want her to be surprised or feel alone if the marriage fails, so I shared the 97% statistic with her. This really put things in perspective for her and she began reviewing her past relationships out loud. “You know, now that I think about it, my chiropractor is the most steady relationship I’ve had. I’ve been seeing him for years.” 

I thought this might be a good time to tell her about my new, short-term relationship with Allen, from India. I was instant messaging with him earlier in the evening and it was great. “He knew exactly what to say, no matter what I asked,” I informed her. “It was as if he was reading it from a book.” “What did he say?” S-Unit asked. “It started with something like, ‘I’d be happy to help you with your request.’ At one point he said, ‘Let’s wait for some time…..we are on a right track.’ Then I said, ‘I’m excited for this to work.’ And, a little while later, after discussing some of my hang ups, he said, ‘I will stand by.'” “Wow,” S-Unit replied. “That is good stuff.” “Yep, and the best part is my satellite guide is working right again – we waited some time before plugging in the receiver and he stood by while the program information loaded, but now my guide is as good as new.”