Postconception

Anyone who is soon to have a baby should have a baby shower and anyone who attends a baby shower should dress appropriately. Thus, as I prepared for Opreggano’s baby shower, I quickly checked the internet for ‘what to wear to a baby shower.’ There was far more advice for the expecting than for the ‘don’t expect or try to stand out at the shower’ guests.

Being the helpful friend that I am, I shared the suggestions with Opreggano and, several hours later, Sleepless and I arrived at the shower in outfits that were feminine, yet not overtly sexy or slinky – internet advice followed.

It’s The Eyes welcomed us and took us straight to the drink table, “The stuff in the pitcher is really strong. The other stuff isn’t.” Sleepless and I both grabbed a glass of something really strong and took a seat.

Opreggano began opening presents, which involved a lot of bending forward and twisting – just like the internet predicted. Luckily, she chose a top that didn’t expose her soon to be lactating bits – something I pointed out to her while she held up one of the baby outfits.”I got the memo,” she replied.

“You’ve received so many outfits for the baby, after she wears them, you can just throw them in the trash instead of the laundry,” BioMom advised. “I never would have thought of that,” Sleepless replied. A few minutes later, as Opreggano was discussing how Cream Of Tartar had been handling life, post-conception, BioMom provided more advice, “Maybe you should remind him that you’re going to be dropping his child out of your vagina soon.”

“Speaking of,” Opreggano replied and then looked my way, “Tell them what your doctor told you to do with your placenta.” Like BioMom, regardless of my conservative attire, my comments were about to make me stand out. “Who’s got chapped lips?” I asked. I then bent down, chest not exposed, picked up my glass, and took a big sip of something really strong.