I’ve been dealing with some issues for a year or so and, after giving in to That’s Not Chinese’s nagging and following my doctors advice, I set an appointment for a colposcopy.
This is an outpatient procedure in which the doctor, typically a gynecologist, looks at one’s vagina. Being that That’s Not Chinese was both concerned and supportive, she accompanied me to the appointment. I introduced her to my doctor, my doctor reviewed the procedure with us, handed me some disclaimers to sign, and left the room.
I completed the paperwork and handed the clipboard to That’s Not Chinese while singing, “Can I get a witness?” “No, seriously, I need you to sign as a witness,” I told her and forced the clipboard into her hand. My doctor returned, That’s Not Chinese handed her the clipboard, and I said, “She signed as my witness.” “Can I get a witness?” my doctor replied in song. “That’s what we said!” That’s Not Chinese and I said in unison. “Can we make today’s appointment like the musical episode of Scrubs?” I asked. “I haven’t seen that,” my doctor replied. “Well, you should,” I replied and immediately regretted that I didn’t sing it.
My doctor then sat at the end of the exam table I was laying on, ass end exposed, and said, “I shouldn’t have worn a skirt today. It is really hard to straddle everything. Sorry if you see things.” “Seems like fair game at this point, but I can’t see anything from here,” I replied. “Once, when I was wearing a skirt, I had to tell a husband he would have to stand elsewhere,” she told me.
As soon as my doctor ‘got in there,’ she exclaimed, “Your cervix is so weird.” “Thank you. I don’t believe anyone has ever told me that,” I replied. “I’m going to do a biopsy at four,” she said to her assistant and then said to me, “That means you’ll have to sit like this until four.” Being that it was only half passed nine, That’s Not Chinese asked if she could leave and come back later. “Real supportive,” my doctor quipped and said, “I mean four, like the position of the hands on the clock.”
After approximately eight times of trying to get a biopsy – she scraped, but the tissue samples ‘slipped’ every time – she decided to try a different tool. “I’ll have my assistant, Carol Merrill, retrieve that for me,” she told us. “I once knew a real life Carol Merrill,” That’s Not Chinese advised. Unfortunately, fake Carol Merrill, real name Carrie or Karen – my doctor really didn’t know, was unsure as to where the ‘good’ device was located, alas, my doctor de-straddled ‘everything’ to retrieve it. In doing so, she knocked over a bunch of equipment. This didn’t phase her for one minute. “I’ll get that,” fake Carol Merrill stated while cleaning up my doctor’s mess.
We eventually got, from the ‘good’ tool, a ‘good’ sample. “Depending on what the lab work shows, we may need to do a LEEP (Loop electrical excision procedure in which they essentially heat up a wire hanger, insert it in your vagina, and cut away ‘weird’ cervix tissue), but I’m not sure. Your cervix is so weird,” my doctor told me. “Well, now I can say I’ve heard that before,” I replied and asked, “If you have to do that, will I get a local anesthetic?” “Nah, administering an anesthetic is often far more painful than the procedure,” she said. It is so obvious that men invented these ‘cures.’
With that reassuring information in mind, and without ‘leep’ing to any conclusions, I left my appointment. “So, what did you think of my doctor?” I asked That’s Not Chinese. “That was probably the best gynecological appointment I’ve ever been to. I loved it when she told the story about having the husband move. She has no idea I like girls. So, awesome,” That’s Not Chinese said and added, “She is like the Nutty Professor.” That’s Not Chinese may be on to something. Hopefully, like the Nutty Professor, my doctor will be able to create a simple potion that will transform my weird cervix into something beautiful.