Not having any plans for Valentine’s Day, I scheduled lunch with Acehole and Sleepless and dinner with Bruiser and Tree.
I met Acehole and Sleepless at lunch to find they both brought gifts. I was totally empty-handied with nothing on my person that I could even attempt to regift. “I’m such a dick. I have nothing for either of you. No wonder I’m single on Valentine’s Day,” I told them. They kindly smiled. Dick confirmed.
Later, when retrieving Tree for dinner, I told him, “I hope Bruiser doesn’t bring me a gift – I don’t have anything for her.” “Did you like the Valentine card I posted on my wall and tagged you in?” he asked. “You mean the one that is just pictures of you?” “Yes,” he replied. “Loved it. Right up my alley – totally self-absorbed.” “We are so good at being single!” he proudly stated.
We arrived at the bar and, luckily, Bruiser did not bring a gift. Tree’s friend joined us and was trying to figure out the relationship between Tree and I. “Are you bi?” he asked. “No, we’re not bi,” I replied. “Brother and sister?” “No, we’re just friends,” I advised. “I can’t believe you’re single. It makes no sense to me. If I were a lesbian I would go out with you,” Bruiser told me. “I was just telling Tree the other day, ‘If only you were straight and I were gay,'” I replied.
After Bruiser and Tree’s friend went their separate ways, Tree and I headed to a different location for dinner. Once seated, I took a look around the room at all of the couples celebrating Valentine’s Day and asked Tree, “Do you think these people are wondering when I’m going to figure out that you’re gay?” He looked up from his phone, where he was checking his SCRUFF account, and laughed. Just then, his friend, who was also our server, approached the table. They started talking about Valentine’s Day and I zoned out – just like a real couple – until I heard Tree say, “Right, because she has a huge clitoris.” “Are you talking about me?” I asked. “Yeah, I told her that’s how I justify dating you,” he said and laughed hysterically. “Nice. Happy Valentine’s, Gay,” I replied.