When we invited the boys to my house the other night, we really didn’t know them – a fact that is probably shocking to some and expected by others. What we did know about them, however, is they liked wine and wanted to burn a barn. Being that I had both wine and a barn/shed, it seemed like a perfect fit.
To add a little credibility to the party, I invited a respectable professional. Thus, while some of us tried on costumes and used vulgarities on the stoop, Respectable Professional stayed calm, cool, collected, and advised the boys, “I am a respectable professional.” “We do actually have professional jobs,” one of them told her later in the evening. After which, I showed them that I, too, am a respectable internet professional – r.i.p.
I did this by introducing them to my high quality stoop ed videos; to include the polygamy video Sleepless and I made – a video that is resting in peace on my computer instead of on the world wide web. This is probably best considering Sleepless is currently in the process of becoming a respectable professional.
I have no interest in being a respectable professional. Being unprofessional is my preference and it is pretty hard to maintain my primary objective – being an asshole – if I’m respectable. Thus, until my name plate is a grey concrete slab that reads “RIP,” I will continue saying what I’m and saying and doing what I’m doing.
The boys, however, truly were professionals; and respectable professionals at that. They opted against burning my barn on account of the chickens, power lines and human lives. A nice gesture on their part but, if they had gone through with the burn, I had fully intended to go snag a neighbor’s Halloween/R.I.P. tombstone decor, personalize it, and put it in place of anything that died in the burn. It’s Halloween – that time of year when the costumes are out, candy bags are ready and before you know it you bit into an apple with a razor blade in it, to which I say, “Rest in peace.”