A few nights ago I received a drunk dial from Bitchin’ Camaro, Addly and Passed The Sniff Test. It was just after midnight and went something like this, “Hey, what are you doing?” “Sleeping.” “What are you wearing?” Up until this point, Bitchin’ Camaro was the only one asking the questions. The next question was yelled by all of them, “Are you wearing any underwear?” Passed The Sniff Test continued on, “I know you, I know you’re not. Tell ’em you’re not.” Unfortunately, for Passed The Sniff Test, they drunk dialed on a day when I opted to don a saucy fullback.
Tonight, instead of the drunk dial, I received the drunk text. And, instead of receiving them some time after midnight, they started coming in around six PM. Dr. BJ had just returned from “The South” and invited me to join him and That’s Not Chinese for wine. When I arrived at her house, I found Passed The Sniff Test was also there and all three of them had been imbibing for a couple of hours.
Passed The Sniff Test was busy with his phone, “I’m buying porn for her birthday,” he advised me. “What?” I asked. “He found my favorite porn online. It’s on DVD and is only $5, so he is getting it for me for my birthday,” That’s Not Chinese clarified with great enthusiasm. “Mmmm hmmm, ” said Dr. BJ, “And they plan to watch it together.” “I’m sorry,” I paused and questioned again, “What?” “We are going to watch it together,” That’s Not Chinese confirmed. “You do not watch porn with friends,” I replied. “Sure you do,” said Passed The Sniff Test. “Sure you don’t,” I advised. “Nothing is going to happen,” Passed The Sniff Test told us. “Well that part isn’t true,” said That’s Not Chinese and added, “If we watch porn together, something is going to happen.” It was at this point that Dr. BJ’s wine which was supposed to be flowing softly across his pallet and warmly into his belly, came spewing out of his mouth.
One might think this response would result in a topic change, but the focus on sex continued. “All the crazy ones are good in bed,” Passed The Sniff Test told us. “Did you hear that?” That’s Not Chinese asked me and added, “He just called us crazy.” “I’m not crazy and I don’t think he was referring to us,” I replied. “Oh, he certainly was,” said That’s Not Chinese. “I didn’t hear it,” said Dr. BJ. “I didn’t say that,” said Passed The Sniff Test. “Oh, yes, you did. You said all the crazy ones were good in bed and we are good in bed so that means you think we’re crazy,” That’s Not Chinese firmly stated. “No, not true at all,” said Passed The Sniff Test. “I said ‘All the crazy ones are good in bed,’ not ‘Everyone who is good in bed is crazy.'” “This shit is crazy,” said Dr. BJ. “Certainly is,” I said and quipped, “You two enjoy that birthday porn.”