Chismes

Tree and FatGirl weren’t able to make the First or Second First Annual Brunch of the New Year, so we scheduled a Third First Annual Brunch of the New Year. That’s Not Chinese and I were ready long before they were, primarily because it was five or so before they arrived, which makes it more like linner.

Once they arrived, the party truly started. We were drinking mimosas, Tree was making us dinner, and he and FatGirl were carrying on like an old married couple – constantly bantering back and forth and always tattling. Especially FatGirl – le encanta chismes. That is Spanish, or as he would say ‘Mexican,’ for loves to tattle.

Their exchange reminded Tree of a couple he served at work, “The wife was totally in the husband’s face, asking, ‘Are you listening to me? Are you?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘Yes, I’m listening. How can I not?’ When I saw that, I thought to myself, ‘I am never getting married.’ And look at me now, practically married to him.” “You do act like a married couple,” That’s Not Chinese agreed. “Do you guys cuddle when you’re at home?” “No!” FatGirl quickly answered. “I’m always texting him and asking him to come in and cuddle with me, but he won’t.” “Do you reply to his texts?” I asked Tree. “No, I’m now ignoring them so he has started knocking on the wall. I just turn up my music.”

The champagne was gone and the decanter of red was ready for us, as was linner. Tree made us a lovely flank steak spinach salad and, prior to serving, said, “I hope none of you are opposed to blood.” “Just bloody vagina,” said FatGirl with a giggle. “Well, you’re probably not alone there,” That’s Not Chinese added. The salad was bloody delicious and That’s Not Chinese didn’t hesitate to process it in front of everyone.

Although Tree might not be opposed to blood, he is opposed to public acts of flatulence. “I don’t really find farts funny,” he said while moving away from That’s Not Chinese. “In fact, I don’t like fart humor at all.” “Oh my God,” FatGirl sat while rolling his eyes, “He has been so gassy lately.” Chismes. “Not in public,” Tree retorted. “And I don’t remember you farting like this,” he added while addressing That’s Not Chinese. “You may as well just take a shit at the table. When did this start? When you were listening to hip hop? Because I really don’t remember.” “Really?” asked That’s Not Chinese with surprise in her voice. “I’m an open farter. Always have been.” Pretty quasi-Chinese of That’s Not Chinese. It is rumored that burping is a sign of contentment and gratitude in China. Farting, however, in China and other places, is usually just a sign that one is soon to shit.