Month: September 2010

This morning was difficult as it was the last day with YummYummy.  Luckily, she, Sleepless and I are all going on a date with JB in two weeks, so it won’t be long before I see her again. Also lucky is the fact that I got to go straight to the Demolition Derby as soon as JB and I parted.

Dr. BJ picked me up and we met up with Sleepless and others, who had the privilege of being there about an hour longer than us. Upon arriving, Passed The Sniff Test provided a disclaimer (which had apparently been provided to him by Tile), “Just so you know, there are more people here than teeth.” He was right about that. Poligrip should have been holding auditions.

At one point in the evening, one of the Fair staff was throwing t-shirts, out of a medium-sized cardboard box, out to the attendees in the stand. By the time he hit our section, he had run out. The majority of the attendees in our section were not happy with this news and beckoned him to come back and throw the cardboard box into the stands. Surprisingly, he did and, not surprisingly, people were scrambling for it.  “Nice,” said Passed The Sniff Test, “Someone just won a new house.”

A little while later, a few women hit the dirt floor arena to place the barrier cones for the next event. The individual behind us had some feelings about that, “I would never let my wife have that cone job. She’d end up chasing me with it.” Just shortly after that, Dr. BJ heard them (the Rednecks behind us)  say something about one of the Demolition Derby drivers that will remain engrained in his mind for some time, “That’s straight up redneck!” He looked at me, eyes and ears not believing what he was hearing, “Ummm, really!?!? Wow.”

The Demolition Derby, in conjunction with the Fair attendees, are definitely a draw and Dr. BJ and I committed to returning next year – at which time, we plan to drive in the Demolition Derby. That’s right, we’re going to buy a car and start working on it just as soon as we can figure out what to do with those pipe things and the other stuff we could see in the engines. Next year, we will be straight up redneck!

YummYummy and I always have very special conversations. Yesterday, while discussing our many life experiences, I mentioned I wanted to learn a little bit of French. At the end of our discussion we had come to two conclusions: 1) no need to learn French if you know how to ‘moan’ in French, and 2) having a ‘reputation’ in France is not a bad thing (the latter is something Sleepless and I have also discussed).

This conversation segwayed into a conversation about awkward moments. I made the decision to be more upfront with people about this common consequence and set a goal to try it out at the club.

Can’t Be Bothered was the first of us to ‘eye’ a boy of interest. She was afraid to try chatting it up with him, so, as any good friend would do, I opted to do so for her. I approached him and posed the question, “How do you feel about awkward moments?” “I don’t like them.” “Hmmm, so does that mean you wouldn’t be into hooking up with my friend;” sly head gesture toward Can’t Be Bothered, “and then having awkward moments with her every time you see her after that?” “No, thank you,” he kindly declined, “I have a girlfriend.” “A girlfriend?” I rhetorically replied. “Good response then. That would make for a super awkward moment and we’re not into that.” I returned to YummYummy and Can’t Be Bothered and they asked how it went, “It was awkward.” Score: one for one.

Once YummYummy and I returned to her house we decided naps were in order. I assumed she had gone up to bed so I put a few things away and headed to the main floor making room room. I opened the door to find YummYummy on the loo, “I’m having a poo.” “Oops, sorry.” Awkward. Score: two for two.

Later on YummYummy and I decided to go out for dinner. As we were enjoying our meal we made plans for the rest of the evening. “I’m just looking forward to going home and having an awkward moment with you so we can have even more awkward moments later.” “Me too,” I told YummYummy. Score: three for three. Awkward, eh.

I arrived in Toronto, via Buffalo, to a fabulous greeting from the ramp agent, “Welcome to Buffalo. We’re glad you’re here. Its going to be a glorious day.”

YummYummy picked me up and we immediately made our way towards Canada. I told her I looked forward to drinking wine with her on her stoop, just like she was doing the other night when she was texting me. “Did I say that? Hmmm. I only tell the truth when its convenient and I only steal when no one’s looking. Remember?!? Write that shit down.”

After drinking on both the back and front stoop and holding a Trailer Park Boys “fashion” photo shoot, we headed to Toronto for a night on the town. YummYummy had reserved a “Crash Pad” at The Drake Hotel so we could walk up to our room after a night of mayhem in the bar- this was a very, very good idea.

Can’t Be Bothered joined us for the mayhem and we started the night the same way we finished it, with a bottle of champagne. We had been at the club for about an hour when YummYummy announced, “If I’m going to have ‘the moment’ with the guy that wants ‘the moment’, he needs to look up so we can have the actual moment.” Right soon after that a male patron approached us, “Hey ladies, I can’t buy you drinks, but I can hang out with you all night.” We’re so lucky.

As the night progressed, and once we stole our way (no one was watching) into the VIP section, YummYummy asked, “Where’s the guy who is supposed to gyrate on my leg?” I guess she gave up on ‘the moment’ idea. We looked around for I Can’t Buy You Drinks, but he wasn’t around.

After spending as many hours as we possibly could contributing to the “economy” and the other patrons’ evening, we decide to call it a day (or two because it was just before four AM). We were really looking forward to eating leftovers once we got up to the room. “I’m so hungry,” said YummYummy. “I’m going to eat that pizza like an Ethiopian.” Glorious day indeed.

Dr. BJ woke me this morning as he was headed off to work, “Good morning. I’m heading out and I’m taking the bus. Aren’t you proud of me?” I told him I was and asked that he send me a text so I knew he arrived safely. About 30 minutes later he sent a text saying he was safe and sound. I replied, “Good to hear. Me too, in bed.”

I finally got up, worked for a few hours and spent the rest of the day getting ready for my second date. Which basically means I ate Pirate’s Booty while watching Trailer Park Boys. I was just finishing watching the movie when I received a text from Dr. BJ. “I’m working on my notes- in bed. I just went to the bathroom- in bed. I’m having meetings- in bed. Love this game! Hope you enjoyed your day in bed.” I replied, “Just watered my yard-in bed. Watched Trailer Park Boys-in bed. Checked the weather-in bed.”

Before I knew it Dr. BJ was home from work and we were sipping mojitos on the stoop. OregganO and Sleepless stopped by to join in the date preparation activities. We ventured to my bedroom to begin packing. I packed while OregganO and Sleepless provided commentary-in bed. I bent over to grab something and they noticed I was wearing knickers. “You’re wearing panties!?!?” Sleepless shouted, “Why? You never do that.” Even OregganO appeared to want the answer so there was no getting out of a response. “The thing is, I watched Trailer Park Boys today and the TP girls’ thongs were about two inches above their skirts – which just seemed right. I’m going to Canada and I want to dress like the Canadians do. Besides, its a second date with JB and I’m not packing extra pants.”

We then finished our drinks and I went downstairs to say goodbye to Dr. BJ. He was on his computer-in bed.

I got a couple of calls from Tree and FatGirl today – they were in the mood for dinner and drinks and were hopeful I was too. I was, so I met them at their house and FatGirl and I chatted while Tree finished primping. As we were chatting, I noticed a fly in FatGirl’s general proximity and pretty soon FatGirl noticed it too, “Aaaaaahhh,” screamed FatGirl while  his arms rapidly swatted the air. “Aaaaaaaahhh!!! I hate flies!”

Tree had purchased a bottle of wine that reminded both of them of me so we decided to take it with us to the restaurant (which is also Tree’s place of employment). The waitress filled our glasses, we lifted them up for a toast, and Tree said, “Let’s see what you taste like!” FatGirl took a sip and replied, “Is it just me or does this taste a little bit like cherry?”

As we were reviewing the menu, Tree eloquently shared some off-menu suggestions with us. Our waitress returned and asked if we would like to hear the specials. “I just told them the specials,” Tree proudly quipped.

“Speaking of specials,” I piped in, “I’m thinking about getting a foreign exchange student.” FatGirl’s eyes lit up quick. “Oh, perfect! From where? He better be cute!” “I’ll be sure to make sure he is cute for you and, more importantly, that he is at least 18.” “No, really, you need to get a really cute boy. What country is it where are all the cute porn boys are from?” “Czech Republic,” Tree proudly answered. “Those boys are beautiful! I remember staying in my room and watching that porn for about three years. I got locked in – couldn’t get out because of all of the lube on the door.” FatGirl giggled and agreed, “I know, I hate that day! Trapped in your room because it is too slippery to get out.” “That day?” Tree replied, “I said three years.”

Met up with Sleepless and Miss Information for lunch today. We picked a posh little restaurant with a decent lunch special. Upon arriving, I opted to use the making room room. I got back there to find a woman deeply involved in a telephone conversation in the area between the sink and the stalls. “There is woman doing business in the making room room,” I informed Sleepless and Miss Information. “Its the making room room,” said Miss Information, “you’re suppose to ‘do your business’ there.”

Speaking of business, it has been a while since Fru Fru Pants and I have hung out and it is nice to know she hasn’t changed a bit. After attending a meeting we decided to leave my car at that location and walk to the next meeting, which was at the Courthouse. We approached the security area when Fru Fru Pants informed me, “I can’t go in. I’ve got a knife in my purse.” She asked the officer if he could hold it for her and he kindly told her no. We decided it would be best if I just went in without her and she could wait patiently outside. I did so and as we were leaving the courthouse she told me she and the officer spent the majority of the time playing, “can you find the knife.” They did this by running her purse through the x-ray machine several times until he found the knife, albeit pocket knife, and not her chapstick.

After work, Sleepless and Passed The Sniff Test joined Dr. BJ and I for dinner. BeauD and Spicoli showed up right soon after. BeauD was celebrating his birthday and appeared to have spilled a substantial amount of red fluid on his shirt. “It’s not his fault,” said Spicoli. “They were literally pouring the sangria down his throat and it looks like some landed on his shirt.”

 Not wanting to waste an evening out because of a shirt stain, we decided to meet up with Tree at a local pub for $3 drafts. Because it was BeauD’s birthday, he got a slightly more expensive beer. Spicoli finished off his slightly more expensive beer and then headed to the bar with an order, “I’ll have something like this,” he requested while gesturing toward BeauD’s glass, “but in the $3 range.” He then looked at BeauD and I and proclaimed, “I may not be gold, but I’m platinum.”

While in Los Angeles, we went to brunch in celebration of No Onions’ birthday. The restaurant had a “Make your own Bloody Mary” bar. This concept is interesting to me. If I am going out to eat, why would I want to make my own drink?  If I do make my own drink, should I still tip? What if I don’t like it – to whom do I complain? I have so many questions about this concept.

I was chatting about this with two of the party guests and they fully agreed. I wouldn’t go to a salon in hopes of finding a “Wash your own hair” bar or to a dental hygienist to benefit from the “Clean your own teeth” bar. Although, cleaning your own teeth, on a regular basis, is very important.

As the party guests and I continued chatting, the topic changed to sports. More specifically, our lack of interest in football. Big Man On Campus had mentioned he didn’t know anything about football and then started rattling off the different positions. “For someone who doesn’t like football,” I asked, “How do you know this?” “Oh, I once dated a wide receiver.” His friend piped in, “Uh huh, and if he wasn’t a wide receiver when they met, he was by the end of the relationship.” If it wasn’t clear before, it is very clear now why so many people are interested in wanting to do ‘that’.

Yesterday The View, today, Food Network – nothing says comfort like good cooking. S-Unit and I very much appreciate food and were really appreciating all of the comments made by the chefs: “I can’t wait to get this inside me.”; “This is so moist and succulent.”; “Mmmmhmmm, this is more than just a dessert.”; and so on. “See,” said S-Unit, “Food is sexy.”

 

After literally pulling ourselves away from the tv, we headed to No Onions’ birthday brunch. On the way, S-Unit was repeating some of the comments made by I Can’t Put My Finger On It and mentioned she would like to have a British accent. She was practicing speaking with a British accent and said, “I give up. I sound Cockney.” I told her Call Me Rafael told me I sound like Dick Van Dyke when I try to speak with a British accent. “Dick Van Dyke?” Said S-Unit. “Not me. I try to have a little bit of cock in everything I say. Cockney, cocktails and cockadoodle.”

 

S-Unit and I started our morning sipping coffee and watching The View. Dr. Oz was a special guest on the show, “My mom loves Dr. Oz,” said S-Unit. “She has a journal where she is constantly noting his advice. In fact, she goes only by two books in life: the bible and Dr. Oz notes.”

Once we were ramped up on caffeine we walked to the mall. This is a six mile walk (to/from) and the weather was perfect. We stopped at the Container Store and I bought every knick knack they had, including the Little Miss Helpful Bruise Soother. We were making our way back home when a curb got in the way of S-Unit’s graceful demeanor – she went down fast. The interesting thing about her fall is it was rather long and full of a lot of movement. I immediately asked her several questions: “Are you OK? Did you twist your ankle? Do you want to borrow my bruise soother? Should we call your mom to see what Dr. Oz would do?” Luckily, she was fine and we continued on our merry, yet, not so graceful way.

Once on her rooftop patio we laid back on the chaise lounges and, each armed with a French phrase book, attempted to learn and speak French. After an hour or so of trying we determined we barely speak conversational English, so this French thing may not work out for us. We do, however, now know how to ask “Ou est la salle de bain?” A muy importante phrase.

We spent the evening at a charity event in downtown LA. The cause was education related and when we pulled up to valet we were greeted by a sign that read, Supporting the Cure,” and, right below that, “Supporting the Crue.” Being someone who went to school in the 80s, I was excited to learn the event was for both education and Motler Crue.

As we approached the bar we found they had cocktails specific to the event. I opted for an event cocktail while S-Unit and No Onions opted for their regular beverage, Ketel One and soda. We went back for a second round and I tried to upsell them on my drink, “You should do The Teacher. I did last round and it was great.”

After a couple of teachers, we left the event and immediately drove to the closest Taco Bell for another fine drive-thru dining experience. Last night, no onions. Tonight, no tomatoes. “I like tomatoes,” said No Onions, “but I like S-Unit more and she doesn’t like them, so I don’t get them.” So sweet – she definitely supported both the cure and the crue tonight.

Today marks my first date with JB. To celebrate, Sleepless and I bought tickets to Paris. For me, Paris seals the deal with JB and I couldn’t be happier about it.

 

I arrived in LA to find S-Unit and No Onions waiting for me at the baggage carousel. We were all starving so we immediately drove to a drive-thru fast food restaurant near S-Unit’s house. S-Unit placed the order, “We’ll have a regular quarter pounder with cheese, no onions. A regular quarter pounder with cheese, no cheese, no regular. A regular quarter pounder with cheese and nothing else. No, wait, no, OK. Oh, and three small fries.” It is amazing how good spit on your burger tastes when you’re hungry.

 

We met up with Manila Gorilla and his friends at a popular West side bar. “I need input from the four of you on something,” said I Can’t Put My Finger On It with his proper British accent. “I can’t put my finger on it,” he pauses, taps the table with his finger, makes eye contact with each of us, and takes a deep breath, “but I fuckin’ hate this place.” We thanked him for his honesty and all decided to go to a bar down the street.

 

“This was a good idea,” said Manila Gorilla. “Now you’ve seen way more of LA. Well, two blocks of it, anyway.” Manila Gorilla and his mates had just been to this bar a week or so ago, had only planned to stay an hour or so and ended up staying five hours. “It was a really good time and the S.W.A.T. team had surrounded the area and closed off the streets, so we had to stay.”

 

I Can’t Put A Finger On It was asking how long I was in town and whether or not we could hang out “European style” for one or three hours. “I think you like good food, good laugh, serious television,” he told me and continued, “I’ll date you while watching cable.”

 

S-Unit and I could not stop laughing about this exchange and decided dancing was in order. As we threw down some of our finest moves, S-Unit and Manila Gorilla would pop their heads around and exclaim, “I really like this place, really like it. Music is good. I really like it.”

 

As the three of us left the bar we located I Can’t Put My Finger On It so we could say goodbye. “Look, I know I’ve been over here chatting it up with a girl and all but its going nowhere, I still don’t know how I’m getting home and I really like the way you dance.” I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think I Can’t Put My Finger On It still wants to date me while watching cable tv.