Month: May 2010

This morning I was chatting with The Leaver about body size. She is convinced that the voluptious woman is “coming back.” As we continued to discuss this topic, her conviction grew, “Trust me on this, I start a lot of things,” she told me. “You start a lot of things,” I queried, “what have you started?” Her reply, “This, right now, the comeback of the voluptious woman. Just wait, you’ll see.”

Shortly after my discussion with The Leaver, I met up with Fru Fru Pants. The Leaver was spot on. Fru Fru Pants had spoken with me in the morning and told me she was wearing a dress that was, perhaps, too short, making her “look like a tramp.” To fix that, she threw on a jacket and some tights. Short no more, just voluptious. Not wanting her to feel alone in her attire, I donned some fishnets and boots with my dress. Fru Fru Pants appreciated the support and, together, we decided I trumped her tramp.

Later on, I stopped by the store to pick up some buttons and nectarines, a day after Cinco de Mayo tradition. While making my way to the produce department a fellow patron looked my way, gave a nod of the head, and said, “Nice nets.”  I’ve come to the conclusion that two things are coming back: voluptious women and fishnets. Just wait, you’ll see.

I love when there are days dedicated to celebrating……anything. Today is no different, I plan to spend as much time as possible embracing my heritage with That’s Not Chinese, Dr. BJ, MJ and a surprise visit from Carmas With A ‘K.’

To celebrate properly, I made my signature margaritas – my people love these things. I had to provide the disclaimer that the first sip might catch you off guard, but hang in there, the sips to follow will take you places.

As usual, That’s Not Chinese, was patrolling all things ethnic and informed me I am not Latina. Like the ladies from the coffee shop, she believes I’m Greek. Based on the food I had for lunch, I’m Vietnamese. I embrace all things cultural.

The 5th of May menu was tops: guacamole, chips, pizza, circus peanuts and key lime pie. Everyone complained about the circus peanuts, but that didn’t stop them from partaking, at least once.

Prior to making his surprise visit, Carmas With A ‘K’ was considering a Cinco de Mustache ride – he was also considering coming out on facebook. Both good ideas. I’m especially keen on the latter, nothing like using facebook for therapy; nothing, except using Skype for couples counseling.

Carmas With A ‘K’ was full of a lot of good information for us today. He was telling us about online dating sites and Dr. BJ requested to see his profile. Carmas With A ‘K’ was quick to ignore a connection and Dr. BJ thought he might be making a mistake, because the person could be nice. Carmas With A ‘K’s response, “You know how many lunches I could have gone to with the amount of people I’ve ignored on here?” Apparently a lot. I hope, for That’s Not Chinese’s sake, Carmas With A ‘K’ had at least one lunch at a nice Chinese restaurant that serves sushi and chile verde.

It appears I broke a mirror seven years ago and all of the superstitious karma from it is occurring today. While walking into work, I dropped my phone. The entire screen shattered. I should have been upset, but I’m not going to lie, I like it, it’s artistic.

Not soon after arriving at work (well, it was about 60 minutes later and my computer was still “booting”), I received a 9-1-1 call from I’ll Call You Later only to find out I should have pressed “ignore,” so as to avoid troll encounters and enjoy the Hawaiian coffee grounds I had just brewed at my office.

After realizing 9-1-1 is a joke in my town, Fru Fru Pants and I grabbed mochas and lattes. For a moment, it seemed life was good. Not so. In between meetings I stopped at the local drug store to buy finger nail polish remover, so as to look quasi-professional. Apparently, they only tested these pads on people with nine fingers. As a result, I returned to my office with a red polished pinky, only. Don’t hate.

Fru Fru Pants had business to tend to, so she couldn’t provide me full support today. She was voting on department awards. Last year, the groups that were “awarded” were laid off, thus, we now call these “The Layoff Awards.” Even though I don’t work there, I asked her to vote for me. What can I say, I’m competitive.

Like some of our “clients,” we clearly woke on the wrong side of the bed and/or tracks tonight. Never good to wake up in the face of oncoming traffic. Fru Fru Pants was doing her best to make me feel better about my day, all the while ignoring the horrid details of her day. She pulled out a fashion catalog and said, “You could do this, you could be her, look what she likes: mixed tapes. She is a business owner, an interior designer and she has a job.” Thank you Fru Fru.

Thank you for helping me feel better about my dire situation, for encouraging me to gargle with Tito’s vodka and discouraging me from having an open sore if I didn’t have fun getting it.

Alice, as much as I missed Italian class, the language skills I learned tonight are sure to surpass anything ending in -co, -i, or -e. Let’s connect later for details about tonight. Depending on how the voting goes, I may have a lot of time on my hands.

There are some days when certain topics are brought up in several different circles – today was one of those days. While in a meeting, we were discussing some of the new tenants in the building. The majority of these new tenants are very heatlhy, environmentally conscious, waste conserving, birkenstocks and socks types. Unfortunately, what is good for the goose is not always good for the gander. Ever since the new tenants moved in, the bathrooms have taken on a whole new level of smell – to the point that it was discussed in management meeting. I didn’t feel the topic warranted much discussion, so I summed it up like this: healthy eating stinks, literally. Then I got in my gas guzzling vehicle and headed to the nearest fast food restaurant for a corn dog.

After work I got the privilege of dining with That’s Not Chinese, who just returned from the Dominican Republic. She was telling me about her fabulous vacation and was very excited to share with me her favorite and funniest story from the trip.

The place where she and her friends were staying had a bidet in the bathroom. This was a feature that was pleasing to many of the guests, for many reasons. Many of the guests, except for Velma.

Velma had never used a bidet, nor did she understand how to do so – which is funny, because Velmas are cartoonically really good at figuring out mysteries. Velma humbly asked That’s Not Chinese to show her how to use the bidet. Being a kind and patient soul, That’s Not Chinese obliged.

A few hours later, Velma gave it a go. Unfortunately, That’s Not Chinese failed to mention one important tip: the bidet is not meant to be used as a toilet. Poor Velma, she was bidets, confused and embarrassed.

Had a bit of a late start today. Library movie rentals will do that to you. I phoned OregganO immediately upon waking to see if she would like to join No Action Jaxon and I for a walk and a little bird feeding at the park. She was in.

On our way to the park, we passed a few local listings and OregganO, as both my attorney and realtor, placed a few phone calls for some afternoon showings. Showing is what we got. We had a glass of wine and made our way to a ‘showing,’ and quickly learned the selling agent didn’t alert the sellers. OregganO quickly sent him a text, “Just walked in on your clients.”

We walked back to her humble abode, had some Green Fin Table Wine and watched Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business, on VH1. These are the times I am reminded how much I wish I was black. The first time I wished this I was a youngster and I think my parents thought I was just being a punk kid. I knew I couldn’t be black, no matter how much I went tanning – Michael Jackson is the only person I know who has succeeded in color change. Nonetheless, I tried. I even requested a black Cabbage Patch Doll for Christmas. Instead, I got Lon Chet – a lonely, white, French preemie.

If you haven’t watched Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business, I highly recommend it. There are very few reality TV shows that inspire me to take notes, this show is one of them. As we were watching the show, No Action Jaxon found comfort in lying in my lap, in between my legs. I advised OregganO that if I ever got a dog, foster or otherwise, I intended to call him ‘Muff” or ‘H.R. Muffnstuf,’ for short. Within a few minutes, OregganO advised me, “Your muff is asleep.” I informed her my muff has  been dormant for some time.

Right soon after this, Ray J was preparing for a reunion show. He met up with Ms. Berry, who informed him, “You need to figure out what it is you’re doing and holla at me later.” Ray J responded, “What do you mean? Holla at ya later? Like when, tonight?” “No,” replied Ms. Berry, “Like, when you feel that you’re really ready.” Even OregganO had to admit, this was some good shit. I kind of wish I knew them. They have some good lines and some smokin’ nicknames.

As time quickly passed by, I got hungry. Everyone knows I can only live on my body fat for so long. I suggested we walk to the local grocer and have a corn dog or some fried chicken. OregganO was offended – she was in no mood for fried chicken. Instead, she made me cheese fondue. As she was prepping the cheese, No Action Jaxon started sniffing about. She referred to him as J.R. Muffnstuf. I quickly reminded her he wasn’t from Dallas and it was H.R., not J.R., but it was too late – the name stuck.

Every now and again I work at a local furniture store. It really isn’t a big money maker for me, but the employee discounts make it worth it. The last time I worked I learned the discount would no longer be available to me or the other on-call employees. As a result, I will most likely terminate my employment there. The free hot dogs on Saturdays and free California rolls on Tuesdays, in addition to the low hourly pay, are really not enough reason for me to stay. As luck would have it, I spoke with a friend who runs a golf course and it just happens she needs someone to operate the beer cart. Life is good. I am soon to be the Beer Cart Girl (BCG).

This will open so many doors for me. In addition to making mad tips, I will have the chance of entering a Miss Beer Cart Golf Pageant. Looks like I’m going to have to buy a BCG visor and start working on my drive. Everybody knows its all about the long drive. Testimonials from previous pageants have really got me pumped, “As a participant in this great event from its inception I am speechless at the unbelieveable abilities of the contestents in their quest to become Miss Beer Cart.” – Tim Sachse

Speaking of beer, while chatting with coworkers at the furniture store today, someone mentioned Quagmire the Farting Ventriloquist. As the broom jokes were flying, I mentioned it might be interesting if he hosted a B.Y.O.B. party, primarily because people wouldn’t know if they should bring their own beer or broom.