I proudly watched Iced Tea do his interview and then waited for him to make his way around the bend; the same bend that I ran into while walking to grab a coffee, “I’m not usually up this early, my body doesn’t know it is supposed to be vertical and operative,” I told the producer. She didn’t need to know I always walk that way.

With my coffee in hand, I tried not to spill, and waited with anticipation for Iced Tea, but he never made his way round the bend. After some reassessing of the situation, I realized why he wasn’t making his way over. The monitors were not just for this station and were operating as they should, ‘monitoring’ all of the other local stations.

The monitor on which I saw Iced Tea was of another television station. I know I’m smarter than I get paid, but I am clearly not smarter than I look. You know those times when you see a reflection in a mirror or window and you are shocked to find yourself there? No? I know them all too well, which is another reason why I floss – so I can smile and look pretty for myself.

I was sharing this story with S-Unit and she advised me she, too, would be experiencing a couple of early mornings and long days while on location at a posh hotel. “I am in the midst of luxury and I won’t get to experience it because I’ll be working. I’ll be here all week,” she told me. The last line made me giggle as it reminded me of a stand-up comedian’s last act, “Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week.” S-Unit felt the need to clarify this statement for me, “No, seriously, I’ll be here all week. All week. I’m not even kidding, I’ll be here all week. Working.” I continued to giggle because she is one funny comedian and I have a feeling if the place is as posh as she says she is sure to see someone famous – especially if it is equipped with mirrors and windows.

While participating in a news interview this afternoon, I noticed Madonna on the monitor. “Oh, wow. My interview is in direct competition with Madonna,” I told the reporter. “No way. No competition. You’re way better than Madonna,” the reporter replied. “Why, thank you,” I said while striking a very vogue pose.

This is exactly why I work for coffee and pizza – moments like this. I came home and did what my friend once advised me to do: “google your name and wait.” This is what I found, “David Archuleta fan…..reacts to Archuleta loss..” I clicked on the link and a new page opened with this message, “We’re sorry, but something went wrong.” You can say that again.

Like many friends, we are from various backgrounds and wear various sizes of clothing. Although our backgrounds may be ‘steady,’ for most of us, our clothing sizes are not. That’s the thing with weight. It is probably the one thing that, when lost, is most often found. I usually find mine on my back, on top of my jeans, or on my ass.

That’s Not Chinese recently attended a training where she learned that if one’s best friend is obese, they have a 53% chance of also being obese. “You may need to get a new BFF or bigger pants,” she told me. Obesity is defined by BMI – or Body Mass Index. I can say, with non-scientific certainty, that my BMI fluctuates on a regular basis and my BMs (bowel movements) are most likely to blame. I’ve delivered more than one healthy kid to the pool. I haven’t, however, delivered my body to the gym for a workout.

I regularly think about exercising. I’ll try on a pair of pants or, better yet, a bikini, and think, “I should really hit the gym again. Tomorrow. No, no, can’t do it tomorrow. Maybe the next day.” Then, I’ll have another bite of sea salt caramel ice cream. As a result, I have a case (not to be confused with a ‘six-pack’) of what I call ‘procrastinweight.’ Writing this makes me think I should do something about it….maybe tomorrow.

Outsiders may think (and some have alluded) we are more apt to tend a bar than a child. In their eyes, we are Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone of Ab Fab. We may be living on a different continent with different names and jobs, but we are them. Which makes MiniMe, Baby Q and any other child in our care, Saffy.

As I held Baby Q and shared the events of my previous evening with That’s Not Chinese, she shook her head, took a sip of her wine and said, “See, we’re not alcoholics, we’re European. So European.” This reminded me of a Patsy Stone quote, ” The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford Clinic.”

One of the little Czech girls was consumed by the sight of the boots. “Is that real?” she asked. “Yes, it’s rabbit,” DDDG replied. “What happened to the rest of the rabbit?” she asked. “We ate it,” DDDG told her. “Nice way to break it to her gently,” I told DDDG.

DDDG introduced me to her friends and they advised me my name was similar to another furry friend, liška – a fox. Add an ‘e’ to the front and you’ve got me, Fox E. Unlike an actual fox, I’m not so wary of humans and the Czechs and I quickly became friends.

We went to their home for dinner and immediately started drinking. “This is how it goes all of the time with them – very European,” DDDG advised me. I hadn’t tried Czech beer, so they insisted I do so. They had a brand new bottle of scotch whisky and were leaving the next day, so they insisted we all drink that. Then, they had four bottles of wine, which also had to be consumed, so we drank that too. With my beer, scotch whisky and wine in front of me they informed me I looked, “very European.”

When DDDG and I finally left the house, leaving behind great friends and several unfinished beverages, they bid us farewell and stated they hoped to see us in Europe soon. We also hope to see them in Europe soon – if DDDG can get her rabbit boots and Eliška through customs, we’ll be there in no time!

As a woman with child, her level of bitchiness is off the charts. I can say this publically, because she and I regularly have this talk. As we were sitting around the table discussing who would be the first to get their hair done, we unanimously decided it would be Opreggano. “Are you going to just do a color or are you also going to get a sl,” as I was asking this question I realized I almost said slice. I stopped mid-word and corrected it, “cut?” Opreggano, on top of her game, quickly quipped, “Were you going to ask me if I was going to get a slut cut!?!?” I wasn’t, but we decided, unanimously (again), to officially change the name to Slut Cuts. Based on the attendees, this name was more than appropriate.

While Opreggano was being pampered, we made another group decision about my hair. This decision was not unanimous. I’ve been considering going platinum for some time and, like a platinum record, this does not happen overnight. In addition, there are some people who don’t think I could pull it off. Thus, we put it to vote. Opreggano and MiniMe were outvoted and I began my journey toward Paris Hiltonesque, aka, total slut cut.

As we discussed this, Oh Wow mentioned she has been “waking up with a smile” lately thanks to two guys she is seeing. One is her neighbor, the other isn’t. “I’m not sure about the neighbor. He just got out of a relationship and I don’t want to be a rebound girl,” she told us. We advised her against being a rebound girl and for letting him bounce on her. “It is really great,” she continued to tell us. “I’ll just send a text, tell him to knock lightly and….” And bounce. No need to be a rebound when you can be bouncebound. “I may have to change your blog name,” I told her. “To bounce?” she asked. “No, to Knock Lightly,” I replied. This made Knock Lightly get a little blushy.

Progressive then took out his phone to take a picture of me to send to his friend who, in a good way, is like me. To make the picture classier, I took the carnation from the centerpiece and put it in my mouth. This resulted in Sleepless also wanting to take a picture. It was like being at Sundance all over again. Or was it the police station? I get confused.

After Sleepless took my picture she asked me, “When are you going to have hair night for you?” These two were really taking the piss out of me. Here I thought things were tickety-boo and the next thing I know I’ve got bad hair and people who resemble me ‘in a good way.’  Although I could have my hair done at Wednesday Night Hair Night, I really just like hosting the event and I’m undecided on what to do with my hair right now. As a result, I’ve got several fortnights of regrowth. Sleepless wanted to get back to her comment, “Wait, wait, wait, that’s a fair thing to ask. I’d want you to tell me.” “Uh huh. It’s good to have friends,” I replied.

Several hours later, I made my way home and was dying to use the loo. Although we didn’t get completely knackered, we drank plenty of fluids and I really had to pee. I pulled down my tights and started to go, only, something didn’t feel right. I’d forgotten I was wearing knickers (not a common accessory for me). Blimey! I completely pissed me knickers. Clearly, my regrowth is the least of my worries. Maybe that is what Progressive meant about ‘a good way’ – his friend must not piss his pants.

“She totally stole them. Nice work. Although, I can’t believe she would think I stole them from her,” I said to Passed The Sniff Test while looking around for cameras. “It’s over there,” he pointed out. “Just wondering if I should try and complete her set,” I said. “We can always get them next time,” Passed The Sniff Test replied – clearly not wanting to be part of our mischievous ways. I’ve seen the look that was on his face before.

The last time we sat at the bar, Opreggano and I got an anchoring for the big sushi boat and were trying to figure out how to take it with us when we left – much like the souvenir glass one gets when they order those overpriced girly drinks in Vegas. After casing the joint, and getting ‘the look’ from Dr. BJ, we figured it was possible with a bigger purse, a lot of distraction and less judgment.

After several years of having so many different people – handsymen, handymen, and others – in my home, my carpets were in dire need of a cleaning. So, I found a deal online last year and, with only a few days before the deal/coupon expired, I set an appointment for a cleaning.

About an hour before the appointment, I moved all of my furniture out of my rooms and then took a quick look around to see if there were any visible valuables that I might need to secure elsewhere so as not to lead anyone into temptation. Nope – guess that’s one benefit to having family and friends who are addicts – they help you realize the importance of either not having valuables or keeping them hidden.

Thirty minutes after my set appointment, the carpet cleaners arrived looking a bit wrecked. “Sorry we’re late. It’s been a rough morning,” one of them told me. The other was still making his way into the house – his eyes were glassy with dark circles underneath. After upselling me an item or two, they asked how I would like to pay and advised me their boss is asking that, if possible, people pay with cash instead of checks. “Why is that?” I asked. “You know, bank stuff.” At this point I knew I could probably pay them with anything they could trade for drugs.

As the one guy was cleaning my stairs, the other guy asked if he could use the bathroom. While he was in there – which was about ten minutes – I thought about the number of handymen who have used my toilet. Most of the time, it just smelled bad afterwards, but this time was different. This guy was looking for for prescription medications, guaranteed.

Sadly, for him, he left my bathroom and my house empty hand(yman)ed.

“Question,” I asked Miss Information, “What do Brazilians call it when they get a Brazilian? Is it still a Brazilian?” Miss Information wasn’t sure but said she could ask. This isn’t something I’ve always wondered, it just seemed like a fair question. A question not unlike the one someone once posed in regards to Canadian bacon. Does a Canadian include the word ‘Canadian’ when ordering bacon? I always forget to pay attention when I’m in Canada with my Canadian friends….or are they just ‘friends’?

MissInformation wanted me to learn a few things and invited me to join her and the Brazilians for brunch. Always interested in meeting others, I humbly accepted the offer and then advised her I wouldn’t be able to go until later in the morning because I was getting my carpets cleaned. “Is that a metaphor for sex or are you really getting your carpets cleaned?” MissInformation quipped. “I’m really getting my carpets cleaned. I’ll head to brunch once they’re done,” I told her and added, “Who doesn’t love a Brazilian?”