GrigioGirl

Progressive is heading to England for the Carling Cup and has been learning British slang in preparation. After telling Sleepless and I that we would probably like an ‘uphill gardener,’ he told us about the friend who will be accompanying him, “He’s like you.” This comment was made directly to me with this disclaimer, “In a good way.” “In a good way? Really? What is that supposed to mean?” I asked. “Yes, what does that mean?” Sleepless asked. Comments like that usually only come from wankers.

Progressive then took out his phone to take a picture of me to send to his friend who, in a good way, is like me. To make the picture classier, I took the carnation from the centerpiece and put it in my mouth. This resulted in Sleepless also wanting to take a picture. It was like being at Sundance all over again. Or was it the police station? I get confused.

After Sleepless took my picture she asked me, “When are you going to have hair night for you?” These two were really taking the piss out of me. Here I thought things were tickety-boo and the next thing I know I’ve got bad hair and people who resemble me ‘in a good way.’  Although I could have my hair done at Wednesday Night Hair Night, I really just like hosting the event and I’m undecided on what to do with my hair right now. As a result, I’ve got several fortnights of regrowth. Sleepless wanted to get back to her comment, “Wait, wait, wait, that’s a fair thing to ask. I’d want you to tell me.” “Uh huh. It’s good to have friends,” I replied.

Several hours later, I made my way home and was dying to use the loo. Although we didn’t get completely knackered, we drank plenty of fluids and I really had to pee. I pulled down my tights and started to go, only, something didn’t feel right. I’d forgotten I was wearing knickers (not a common accessory for me). Blimey! I completely pissed me knickers. Clearly, my regrowth is the least of my worries. Maybe that is what Progressive meant about ‘a good way’ – his friend must not piss his pants.

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Passed The Sniff Test and I met up at one of our favorite cheap eats. We sat at the bar, as Opreggano, Dr. BJ and I had once done, and were enjoying the food, conversations nearby and poor service when I noticed the soy sauce dishes. “Those look a lot like some dishes I just saw at Opreggano’s house. I don’t remember us getting those,” I told Passed The Sniff Test. Then, I took a picture of them and sent it to Opreggano with this message, “These look familiar.” She immediately replied, “Did you steal the stolen goods?”

“She totally stole them. Nice work. Although, I can’t believe she would think I stole them from her,” I said to Passed The Sniff Test while looking around for cameras. “It’s over there,” he pointed out. “Just wondering if I should try and complete her set,” I said. “We can always get them next time,” Passed The Sniff Test replied – clearly not wanting to be part of our mischievous ways. I’ve seen the look that was on his face before.

The last time we sat at the bar, Opreggano and I got an anchoring for the big sushi boat and were trying to figure out how to take it with us when we left – much like the souvenir glass one gets when they order those overpriced girly drinks in Vegas. After casing the joint, and getting ‘the look’ from Dr. BJ, we figured it was possible with a bigger purse, a lot of distraction and less judgment.

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It’s interesting how we (by we I mean ‘me’ and millions of others) allow just about anyone in our homes to clean our carpets and complete other tasks.

After several years of having so many different people – handsymen, handymen, and others – in my home, my carpets were in dire need of a cleaning. So, I found a deal online last year and, with only a few days before the deal/coupon expired, I set an appointment for a cleaning.

About an hour before the appointment, I moved all of my furniture out of my rooms and then took a quick look around to see if there were any visible valuables that I might need to secure elsewhere so as not to lead anyone into temptation. Nope – guess that’s one benefit to having family and friends who are addicts – they help you realize the importance of either not having valuables or keeping them hidden.

Thirty minutes after my set appointment, the carpet cleaners arrived looking a bit wrecked. “Sorry we’re late. It’s been a rough morning,” one of them told me. The other was still making his way into the house – his eyes were glassy with dark circles underneath. After upselling me an item or two, they asked how I would like to pay and advised me their boss is asking that, if possible, people pay with cash instead of checks. “Why is that?” I asked. “You know, bank stuff.” At this point I knew I could probably pay them with anything they could trade for drugs.

As the one guy was cleaning my stairs, the other guy asked if he could use the bathroom. While he was in there – which was about ten minutes – I thought about the number of handymen who have used my toilet. Most of the time, it just smelled bad afterwards, but this time was different. This guy was looking for for prescription medications, guaranteed.

Sadly, for him, he left my bathroom and my house empty hand(yman)ed.

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MissInformation has been hosting a couple of Brazilians lately. “They are great! I am learning so much,” she told me and added, “Did you know when they make the horn symbol with their hands they are referring to a cheater? It’s because of the bull – the bull has horns, hence, horny. Get it?” I didn’t really get it and decided to google ‘Brazil horny bull cheater.’ Contrary to advice often given by commentators (“Don’t try this at home”), I would only try doing this at home or on your personal phone. Definitely not a work friendly search. With the exception of porn pop-ups, nothing came up.

“Question,” I asked Miss Information, “What do Brazilians call it when they get a Brazilian? Is it still a Brazilian?” Miss Information wasn’t sure but said she could ask. This isn’t something I’ve always wondered, it just seemed like a fair question. A question not unlike the one someone once posed in regards to Canadian bacon. Does a Canadian include the word ‘Canadian’ when ordering bacon? I always forget to pay attention when I’m in Canada with my Canadian friends….or are they just ‘friends’?

MissInformation wanted me to learn a few things and invited me to join her and the Brazilians for brunch. Always interested in meeting others, I humbly accepted the offer and then advised her I wouldn’t be able to go until later in the morning because I was getting my carpets cleaned. “Is that a metaphor for sex or are you really getting your carpets cleaned?” MissInformation quipped. “I’m really getting my carpets cleaned. I’ll head to brunch once they’re done,” I told her and added, “Who doesn’t love a Brazilian?”

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I’ve been doing a lot of spooning lately – with my jeans. The more time I spend in them, the tighter they seem to hold me. “This is exactly why I wear skirts,” That’s Not Chinese told me. Not everybody likes spooning.

Being a bit spooned out, I decided to change into a dress before meeting up with That’s Not Chinese for an evening of live music. As stated on the phone, she was wearing a skirt. We took our dressed up, spoon-free selves to the concert to find it was more like a quaint get-together with forty or so friends.

The first musician was singing about romance and it was sounding very sweet until he sang, “the love ran down my leg.” “That wasn’t love,” I shouted out. “No, no, that’s definitely not love,” That’s Not Chinese concurred.

A few minutes later, the musician we had been waiting for took center stage. Her lyrics and voice were like butter – both sensual and sexual. My jeans were at home, awaiting our next spooning, so, without jeans to cream, I jeaned my creams and told That’s Not Chinese, “Now that’s love.”

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For years the bathroom has been a multi-use location. The majority of people use it to take care of the three s’s – shit, shower and shave, but there are some, like Larry Craig, who use the loo to do more than poo.

There are the people in my office who use it as an opportunity to try to lift people’s self-esteem by putting motivational thoughts on the door, “You just keep pushing. You just keep pushing. I made every mistake that could be made. But I just keep pushing (Rene Descartes).” There are the people at the clubs who use it to do to blow or to blow someone.

And then there are the boys who, while using it for it’s intended purpose, are often assessing and comparing each other’s junk. “You’re pretty small,” Ice Cream Man told Frat Boy after he showed us the way to guesstimate a man’s length (look at the span between their thumb and their pinky). “Not fair, I was flacid. I’m seriously big. I know a guy who is 6’4″ with a size seven shoe. What’s up with that?” Frat Boy replied. “Not much is up with that. I was with a pro basketball player once. He was big, but he wasn’t big,” I advised. “He did give her about ten pounds of meat though,” Ice Cream Man proudly shared.

It’s true. He was moving to another state and didn’t want to transport his freezer items so he gave me his meat, literally.

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No Onions has never been to my neck of the woods….until now. She came in town for Sundance because her company decided to sponsor an event and invited me and my friends to join in the festivities. I invited several friends, however, being that it was a school night only a few were able to join me.

As a result, me, I Was A Stripper and Skiwi headed to Sundance to grace others with our presence. Skiwi was fully prepared, “I’m wearing a black golf cap, a scarf, and I’ve got the glasses I wear in interviews to make me look smart. Damn, I forgot my bluetooth. People at Sundance like to walk around with their bluetooth.”

We arrived to find No Onions and her friends waiting for us at the bar. After a long period of assessing the alcohol, I ordered a top shelf margarita. “You could have just ordered a margarita,” No Onions told me and added, “Our parties are only top shelf, thus, the top shelf is implied.”

From that point forward, I just ordered a margarita. Skiwi, who was donning his glasses and enjoying free beers, was pleased to find the swag for the evening was a small speaker. He and I Was A Stripper immediately placed our swag in her purse and then he confided in me, “I have zero peripheral vision in these glasses, but I look good. It’s all about playing the part.” He then preceded to act like he was “an important producer talking movie deals on the phone” while I Was A Stripper and I scanned the party for celebrities.

Although we didn’t find any celebrities (to our knowledge), we were quite surprised to find 50 Cent underneath the seat cushion. We, of course, took a picture to prove to our friends that we saw 50 cent (in the form of two quarters) at Sundance.

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Taking S-Unit’s advice, I opted to be a dirty (unshowered) girl on the first day of the Chinese New Year. This happened to be the same day that I, again, met up with MyFace, NYF From NYC and Bobby’s Girl to participate in the Sundance Film Festival.

MyFace and her friends are, hands down, far more posh than I will ever be. Thus, seeing the ratted mat atop my head was most likely not pleasing to their posh eyes. “I didn’t wash my hair today because of the Chinese New Year. Should help prevent or reduce bad luck,” I told MyFace as we waited in the loo queue and, as luck would have it, it moved very quickly. Without even looking at my hair, she quickly replied, “Huh.”

Once inside the theater, and  while MyFace, NYF From NYC and Bobby’s Girl were pointing out the celebrities among us, I was checking out all of the people who will most likely have bad luck this year. The dirty girl look was really not so common at this event. “Who is that guy? Who is that girl? Do you think they’re famous? They’re having people take their picture, should we be taking their picture,” MyFace asked. I really recognize no one. There are individuals with whom I have worked with for years and, yes, they look familiar, but, no, I don’t know their name. Thus, asking me these questions is fruitless.

The film started and it was quickly confirmed that there really were quite a few celebrities among us. For example, Danny Glover, Dennis Haysbert and Common. Did I recognize any of these individuals? No, not really. Like so many of my coworkers, they look familiar and I’m sure I know them from somewhere, but I really can’t provide a definitive response as to how/why. I will say I did recognize one thing right away: Common is hot. Wonder if he likes dirty girls.

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With Chinese New Year upon us, I Was A Stripper and I began discussing resolutions and new year changes. “You know it’s the year of the dragon,” I advised her and added, “Almost time to put your rabbit away.” “I don’t have a rabbit. I’ve got something with a trunk. I think it’s a hummingbird,” she told me while searching online for a new year new job. Last I checked, hummingbirds have beaks, not trunks.

Speaking of hummingbirds, poor Bobby’s Girl was advised by her doctor to get a B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) and, one year later – as the year of the rabbit is coming (pun intended) to an end, she still doesn’t own one. “Really? You don’t have one?” I asked her. “No. I know, I know, I should get one,” she humbly replied. “Like your doctor said, ‘Use it or lose it,’” MyFace told her. “Well, this may sound weird, but ever since MyFace told me that story, whenever I use mine I think of you,” I told Bobby’s Girl. I’ve no doubt she took note of that comment.

As I Was A Stripper and I continued to peruse job openings, we found the ideal position, ‘Note Taker.’ The description was just as good as the job title, ‘This individual will be expected to take notes.’ “Better make note of that job,” I advised her. She hadn’t wasted any time and was already applying for the position. “Speaking of taking note, S-Unit advised me against washing my hair on Chinese New Year. Apparently it is considered bad luck,” I advised her. Per several online sites, washing, cutting your hair and showering are all believed to be bad luck – doing so washes/cuts away one’s prosperity.

With this year being the year of the dragon, I’ve no doubt it will be packed with good luck and fortune. For starters, my coworkers will have the good fortune of working with my unshowered, perhaps stinky, ass. I Was A Stripper is in luck because she has the elephant trunk hummingbird – hummingphant? – and doesn’t have to worry about the fact that the year of the rabbit is over. In addition, she is eating well.

She decided to start the year with a can of tuna and, because this Chinese New Year is a prosperous one, offered some to me, “You want some of my tuna?” I respectfully declined and, several minutes after she ate the tuna, I caught her sniffing the air around her. When she couldn’t pin down the scent or cause, she bent over, sniffed her crotch, and then sniffed her fingers. It was at this point that she had both ‘found the source’ and noticed me watching. “Smell my fingers. They smell like tuna. I can’t take notes with tuna smelling fingers,” she told me. I Was A Stripper may want to take her chances with luck and shower today.

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I go to classy places. For Bruiser’s birthday, On My Terms, So Hip and I took her to one of the best garlic burger joints, with carpeted walls, in the city. If you’re drinking in a bar with non-carpeted walls, you’re not really drinking. Sure, the maintenance is awkward, but who doesn’t love carpeted walls?

A few hours after drinking and gossiping (the latter is very good for your health according to a University of California, Berkeley, study) with these fine ladies, I joined I Was A Stripper and The Leaver for dinner and strip club festivities.

The first strip club we stopped by was in the middle of calendar autographs. Yawn. Been there, done that. So, we headed to a different strip club – a strip club where the songs were from the 80s and played on a jukebox.

Being the classy person I am, I asked the server/bouncer, “What are your house wines?” He replied, “Red box and white box.” “I’ll take the red box,” I Was A Stripper told him then leaned my way and said, “Like a period.”

I also opted for the red. Like my thinking, I occasionally prefer do my drinking out of the box.

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