Month: August 2010

Today was like my birthday all over again. I got to start the day with tea and egg on toast with Dr. BJ; enjoyed lunch with fabulous coworkers; met CounterCat at the airport for an afternoon sippy (mine was virgin, of course, due to having to return to work – I haven’t had a virgin for years!); and I’m heading to Vegas to meet Maverik Midget King (he has a little present for me) and, if I’m lucky, meet up with CounterCat’s family.

Having prior knowledge of all of this goodness made it difficult for me to sleep last night. I was like a kid on Christmas Eve, unless, of course, that kid is Jewish. Instead of packing the night before and making reservations, I did as I always do – thought about all the fun I was going to have, took a ‘power nap’, threw everything in a bag (or bags) this morning and I’m hoping for the best.

‘The best’ is exactly what I got after lunch. I asked the ladies if they could stop at my favorite fast food restaurant so I could pick up a corn dog for CounterCat (a surprise she would love). They agreed to do so as long as they could order ice cream: a 60 cent cone and a ‘brown topper with nuts on it….in a cup’. I love brown toppers and, more than eating them, I love ordering them. The employee opened the window (drive-thru, only the best for me and my girls) and said, “Brown topper with nuts in a cup.” “Wow, I told them, I’ve never had the nuts in a cup.”

Ah, life is good. Full of so many gifts.

Acting natural can be very exhausting and, as a result, both Dr. BJ and I slept in until the early afternoon. Since moving in, we have stooped everyday. Dr. BJ is not new to the stooping concept – he has “been around the stoop” once or twice. Which might make him a connoiseur of stoops, so it was a great compliment when he told me how much he liked my stoop. Reminded me a bit of the day before, with Tree, when he told me that he had told Screamer, “I’m only friends with her because of her stoop.” I feel so dirty!

After taking my time to wake up I went outside to observe my garden. I noticed the mint was doing exceptionally well and, as a result, decided to make mojitos.

Alice and I were planning to attend a neighborhood party so I sent her a text inviting her over for mojitos. She replied, “bottom of 9th, be right ova.” Anyone who knows Alice knows she loves the New York Yankees and, thanks to the Yankees, she was in a fine mood when she came ova.

One thing about Alice is she is loyal. She was wearing a lovely long summer dress with a Yankees T-shirt over the top. Her dress reminded me of a “situation” Sleepless has been experiencing when she goes sans brazziere. Alice generously offered advice, “Tell her what works, because I have breastfeeding nipples: band aids.”  Band aids – who knew?

As Dr. BJ and I were enjoying the mojitos, he noticed Alice was not, because she had her ‘coffee’. Dr. BJ was perplexed that she would be drinking coffee on this hot summer afternoon – until she refilled her cup with red wine – her mobile coffee consumption then made perfect sense.  Ah, I do love the many things Alice and I have in common.

It was right about this time a topless man ran down the street. Another thing we all have in common: an interest in topless passersby. This reminded Alice of recent activity in her neck of the hood.

Lately, when Alice isn’t watching baseball, she is doing mobile watch for Urban Forestry. She has witnessed several large branches go down, “one when I had just shut my door to come over here.” As a result, she has Urban Forestry on her speed dial. When they can’t get there right away, she calls Doug’s Trees. “They come, they’re young, they don’t wear shirts and they’ll tear your limbs down. No, seriously, they do and they will.”

The Leaver and QuQueen invited me to a “Summer is Over  Last Minute BBQ.” “This is the last one, ” said The Leaver, “Summer is over.” The Leaver has never been one to let something as simple as the equinox get in the way of her life.

I let them know I had a couple of other commitments, but would try to make my way there at some point in the evening. Sleepless ended up joining Dr. BJ and I on the stoop for some wine prior to going out for the evening. Her day had been a hard one so we opted to forego the other commitments and just head to The Leaver and QuQueen’s for some low-key, yet relatively high drama, entertainment.

Just after we made this decision we received a call from The Leaver asking us to arrive early, in case guests got their before eight, because she and QuQueen had errands to run and weren’t sure they would be back in time. As we were getting ready to make our way to greet the guests, Skiwi, Disco Dancing Dog Groomer and MiniMe showed up to join us.

We arrived at their house and started prepping for others. I found several food items that were ripe for eating and we all did so without hesitation. The Leaver and QuQueen finally arrived, “Can you believe this? Late for our own barbecue!”

Soon after, LaLaLicia and U-E-L is Silent showed up to join us. LaLaLicia had purchased  a new camera and was taking random shots of bbq attenedees. QuQueen was not keen on this concept. Skiwi, however, loved the ‘candid’ shots. As soon as he saw the lens coming his way he would turn to Disco Dancing Dog Groomer and say, “Act Natural,” all the while posing for the camera. So New Zealand of him.

As the night came to a close, and we had sung all of the karaoke songs selected for us by QuQueen, The Leaver opted to sing “Creep” by Radiohead. She started singing and, a few verses in, said, “This isn’t working. I need to change my pitch.” She then attempted to change her pitch. OregganO and I found humor in this so The Leaver took a stand, “That’ s it. You’re making fun of me. I’m done. Geez. I’ve already spilled on my pants and now this. Do you understand the pressure I”m under?”

As the night came to a close, Sleepless and OregganO were lazily singing “I Will Survive.” “We’re just going to sing this as best as we can, while sitting down,” said Sleepless. And that they did, Sleepless gave it her best natural voice with OregganO accompanying her and, together – au naturale,  recevieved 100 points, excellent singing! Skiwi is right – just act natural!

Farmer’s Market Saturday is always a great opportunity to get together with friends. Tree and I had planned to meet up and Dr. BJ, who moved in with me last night, was toying with joining us if he was awake. OregganO contacted me before either Tree or Dr. BJ were awake and we decided to get a head start on the morning. While at OregganO’s financial institution her teller, TellAll, was sharing beauty secrets with us because he, apparently, had a rough night. “I get this stuff for my eyes to give them a lift – it is amazing. I call it ‘Last night never happened.’ See look (as he lifted his glasses to show us), you can’t even tell how wrecked I was last night or this morning.” Not so sure about that. OregganO was depositing five checks and the process took approximately 20 minutes. I suggested next time got up and went in to work he also consider waking up.

As we were making our way from our financial institutions to the Farmer’s Market our route was derailed due to a convoy of lifted cars and off-road/all-terrain vehicles (basically anything that was motorized and non-fuel efficient) with American flags flying high. We asked a local officer of the law if this was a Nascar event, “No, this is a rally to promote access to public lands.” “Ah ha,” I replied, “The redneck parade. Thank you very much officer.”

OregganO and I are not members of this elite group, nor do we desire to be; however, we do love to be in a parade. So, we figured out a way to be a part of the parade and, as soon as we found a non-barricaded opening, we slyly pulled through, rolled down our windows, started waving to passersby and, to our delight, we were officially in the middle of the parade. One of my favorite parade participants was a truck with a woman and a young boy each sitting on motor bikes in the bed of the truck, flying flags and holding a sign the read, “How the West was won, stolen!” God bless America.

I was telling OregganO I wished we had a posterboard and an American flag in the trunk so we would fit in better (FYI: OregganO pointed out, “Thank God we are in your SUV. If we were in your Fit we would never fit in.” So true.). “I’m just disappointed that I’m not better equipped for such goodness.” We decided a Parade Kit was in order and, like a First Aid kit, we should have one in all of our vehicles. We quickly started creating a Parade Kit list:

• Flags (American, rainbow, Red Cross, pirate, United Nations, Union Jack, racing, peace, the whole lot of them)
• Posterboard(s)
• Sharpies
• ‘Mother Trucker’ baseball cap
• Liquid Chalk
• Parade compilation CD
• 5 gallon gas container (with gas in it)

We stayed in the parade until they reached the rallying location (state capitol), at which point we shouted out, “Gotta refuel, oh, and give us back our lands!” It was right about this time that Tree called us to let us know he was awake and ready to go to the market. He and Screamer were making there way to Screamer’s place of employment and he wanted us to go there. “We are not going to a bar this early (11:30) in the morning,” OregganO stated. “Not to drink,” said Tree, “Just to pick me up – Screamer has to work.” We obliged and made our way to the bar. Upon arriving we found Tree was not there, however, the Open sign was flashing. Not wanting to wait in the car, and wanting to make our contribution to the economy in an attempt to offset the recession (it was all we could do after ‘crossing the line’ and participating in a Redneck parade), we went inside to enjoy a Bloody Mary – our ‘lift kit’ and way of saying, ‘last night didn’t happen.’

The last time I saw FatGirl he got to see a very special part of me that he probably did not want to see. Not on purpose – sometimes special gifts like that just happen.

Tree and I had been planning on going to She & Him for several weeks and decided it would be nice to have a little sushi and sake beforehand. Luckily, for us, FatGirl graced us with his presence. FatGirl and I decided to do wasabi shots and we were disappointed they weren’t as hot as we had hoped they would be. A ‘finding’ we were used to, having been on one or two blind dates before.

After filling our bellies with Japanese goodness, yes That’s Not Chinese, it was actually not Chinese, we made our way to the park and the concert. Just as we were approaching the park both Tree and FatGirl spotted a very handsome man and one (or both) declared, “Hello! I’m interested in pulling his hair later.” Once inside the park, Tree was quickly bothered by the crowd, “I’m probably going to get in a fight tonight and it’s probably going to be with a girl. I can’t stand those big bags they carry around.”

We had met up with The Leaver and QuQueen who had found an elite spot left of the stage. The Leaver is a lot like Tree in that she does not like crowds, nor does she like sand in her crack. Apparently they were eating on the side of the park when some sand went down her pants – didn’t ask for further details because the situation had clearly already caused enough stress for her.  Within about twenty minutes of hanging out with the girls they opted to leave. About two minutes later, after being insulted by comments such as, “Who is this band?” and “Do you know any of these songs?” we left our elite left of stage spot for the beer and wine tent. We were a bit confused about the exit/entry on the tent so I asked Tree if he understood the process and he replied, “I’m not smart, I’m cute.” We finally figured it out only to learn wine was $6/glass and ‘poured’ out of a box. Tree did not like this at all. FatGirl and I, however, were good with it. “I like things in a box,” said FatGirl. Then he giggled and said, “Well, not really.”

It’s been a long couple of days and a really long time since I’ve seen Cream of Tartar. OregganO invited me to stop by their house to see their recent renovations and partake in wine and chili cheese dogs.

Cream of Tartar decided the get together warranted some of their homemade wine and opened up a bottle of red for OregganO and I – it was delicious. As we were all chatting, Cream of Tartar lit a cigarette and started smoking. I asked him if he just started smoking (because I didn’t remember him doing so) and he replied, “I was chewin’, but I had to quit – it was bad for me. Now, I’m no longer at war with my mouth.”

He asked if we would like to try a quaint cigar to compliment our wine. We looked at each other and, simultaneously, replied, “Why not?” Cream of Tartar returned to the stoop with three “Pimp Sticks” and said, “I just went inside to get these and thought, ‘Why am I sharing?’, but you can’t not share – they’re so good.”

He was right, they were good. I was enjoying my Pimp Stick and wine when I noticed the Pimp Stick was no longer lit. I gave it a good suck and, surprisingly, it re-lit. “Did you see that?” I asked OregganO and Cream of Tartar. “I lit it with my mouth!” A few minutes later OregganO’s went out as well and would not relight without flame. OregganO inquired, “Why do these go out so easily?” “Yes,” I piped in, “Why? We were sucking on them.” Cream of  Tartar took a puff of his Pimp Stick, cocked his head to the side a bit and answered, “They’re just tiny little Pimp Sticks, that’s why.”

MissInformation was working with Sleepless and I at the 36th Annual Information Desk when I suggested one of the conference participants take a trip up the canyon to see the mounains. MissInformation was not pleased. “There is a ‘t’ in there and it is not silent. Unless, you live in Uah.” Looks like I’m in the clear! And I’m pleased with MissInformation’s concern for the ‘t’ – I’ve had this same concern before in the wine store.

I visited an open-air mall/eating establishment at lunch and observed a baby, strapped to his mother’s body in a pouch sling, who was consuming a milkshake – occassionally popping off the nip – while his right-breast exposed mom pushed the pram filled with three other kids. Luckily, for her and all of those who got to witness this activity, breastfeeding is exempt from public indecency laws in this state.

What is not exempt, however, was the alarming sight Sleepless and I witnessed while driving on the interstate later in the day. We had headed South for a bit and were making our way back to the hotel when we noticed a well-fed Texan in the passenger seat of a massive RV, totally Team Jacobing (translation: topless male), while holding his junk. Pretty sure that is a misdemeanor, though I’m unsure which letter, A, B, or C – no silent ‘t’.

Wanting to get away from that not so easy on the eyes visual as soon as possible, we hopped in the HOV lane. We phoned MissInformation to let her know what we were doing and she replied, “I’m pretty sure the V is silent.”

Upon entering our room, MissInformation presented a folded piece of paper to me. The outside read “Love Letter.” Inside was a note from the A/V guy with questions about tomorrow’s presentation, a few XOXOXOs and a question at the end, “Will you meet me at 6:45 in the morning? Check here for yes or here for no.” Nothing is more romantic than a letter from a contracted A/V guy requesting that you be up and ready hours before you are usually even considering getting up.

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM>>>>>>>>

Back to where I left off yesterday when I was talking about Sleepless and I at the hotel. We have a few friends who plan to borrow our room intermittently throughout the conference so we decided to request a few extra room keys. We told the clerk we needed an extra card or two for a friend/coworker. “Uh huh, sure you do girls.” Sleepless leaned in to me and whispered, “Thats the second time this weekend that someone has called us ‘girls'”. Apparently the “uh huh” response did not phase her.

We spent our day obliging people and then retired to the room for a bit of a break. We were swapping different stories about the daily exchanges when Rodeo Star piped in, “One day, when you’re hanging out with me and I haven’t taken my Aterol yet, I’ll be the most  random person you know.” Seems like “one day” may very well be right now. Later, we were sharing the story with OregganO and Sleepless relayed the experience and added, “And then everybody was laughing because it was funny and I laughed and let them have there moment before I asked. ‘what is aterol?” So glad I don’t have to wait one more day to hang out with them!

Started the day about three hours after I ended the night before – a relatively regular occurence as of late. This typically results in me looking in the mirror and thinking to myself, “Wow – there you go then.”

Sleepless and I are working  a national conference, so last night was our first night “nap” in our hotel room.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS NOW, WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES>>>>>>>

Today was a pretty exciting day because it was my first time working as a beer cart girl. My shift was short – don’t want to take this gig for granted – just long enough to cater all 18 holes and make a few dollars in tips. Emphasis on few.

 

Later in the day I met up with Sleepless, Johnny Utah, Add-ly and Pass The Sniff Test for a little RockBand-PAL-ooza. I had RSVPed via Facebook, but Sleepless did not – she doesn’t like everyone knowing her agenda. There were several others, however, who RSVPed for three – that count includes “the girls.” Weekends seem to be the most common time for women to take the girls out for a peek at the real world. And there were several girls out tonight.

 

There was a silent auction at the event and I assumed my self-appointed role as Price Driver. I outbid people until the price was at a range I felt was fair and then I stopped “driving.” Pass The Smell Test offered to help out with this process, “I can give you a boost. By boost, I mean I’ll put you on my shoulders. Both of you, Sleepless too. We can double up.” He works out.

 

The Leaver and QuQueen invited us to join them at The Poon for dancing opportunities where “guys aren’t grinding up against you.” Pass The Sniff Test opted to go to The Poon with us. The Leaver had danced to several songs and finally decided to take a break, “I’m about to pass out. I’m not in good health and you’ve got me out there dancing to Footloose and Love Shack. I mean, do you understand what this means to me?” Pass The Sniff Test then decided to try cage dancing for a minute, “If they had rings I could do so much more – I may not have dance moves, but I can move heavy shit.”