Month: March 2010

I’ve known Skiwi for some time. He moved near my hood several years ago and we hang out pretty regularly.  When we can’t hang out in person, we’ll often chat on the phone, facebook or skype.

I can’t recall a time when Lindsay wasn’t around for all of this. In fact, if it wasn’t for Lindsay, Skiwi definitely wouldn’t be online — she has been innovative for him!

There were, sadly, a few times when Lindsay skipped out, so Skiwi and I wouldn’t connect, but most of the time she was there for him, us, really.

Until the other day. Skiwi came home, completed a few routine tasks, went to hop online, and realized Lindsay was gone. He looked everywhere for her: the bedroom, the basement, the bistro, outside. Nothing. Gone.

Skiwi immediately phoned me (luckily she couldn’t take that away), to tell me of her disappearance and he was clearly devastated. Lindsay must have moved (a little notice would have been nice). Or, changed her wireless network name and added a password. One thing was clear, Skiwi would have to pay for his internet service now.

What a day! Alice and I started it off right with a corndog (me, not her), tots, baby cones and apple juice at the AC. Took forever to get anywhere today. Damn National Corndog Day traffic was definitely slowing things down.

 

Finished the day with That’s Not Chinese and Tree. We decided to grace a tapas bar with our presence and, while selecting menu items, we were reminded That’s Not Chinese is not very Greek. She doesn’t like olives, cucumbers, goat cheese, Metaxa, or Ouzo. Tree and I, on the other hand, quite enjoy these things.

 

Tree decided to have an Area B51 FLAMING cocktail for dessert. The waiter brought the flaming drink to him and asked if he knew from where to drink. “The rim?” Wrong answer. Right answer: straw; however, it is recommended that you blow out the flame first. If you don’t, you’re drinking from the rim because your straw is melted.

 

We went back to That’s Not Chinese’s house and she decided to try on Tree’s hat and take pictures. Tree advised her, “We’re gonna take a couple of pictures, ’cause I like photo shoots. Normally, I’m the model. I just love flash photography.”

 

As we continued chatting, Tree informed us he had purchased Psychopathology Today Third Edition at a yard sale for $1. He stated he had been self-medicating for years, so he decided it made sense to self-diagnose. If you do the math, $1 is a lot less than a copay and is a good deal for a diagnosis.  Tree determined his top three personality disorders to be 1) sociopath, 2) borderline and 3) narcissistic.

 

That’s Not Chinese was not happy with his choices and as she was discussing them with him, ruling them out actually, Tree informed her he was “bi-polar bear.” That was a diagnosis That’s Not Chinese was willing to accept.

 

I was taking notes about this exchange and That’s Not Chinese advised Tree he would be in my blog. Tree replied, “It’s OK, as long as I’m being talked about.” He went on to say he once inherited a DSM-V (“V,” not “five”). That’s Not Chinese was quick to inform him there is no such thing as DSM-V, just DSM-IV (four). Tree, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “Hey, whatever, I’ve got problems, I’m just trying to figure it out.”

 

As we were leaving, Tree was discussing signs and horoscopes. He stated he gets daily answers from the universe and by “daily,” he means Monday thru Friday. He gets an email daily (Monday – Friday) and it starts with, “You know, Tree…..” The reason Tree is so smitten by these messages?  “It (email) says my name, that’s why I like it.” Ah, the simplicity.  Thanks Tree!

This is a question that, depending on the person and reason for being asked, can go many ways.

For example, when V and I went to Jackson, I asked her what she was wearing/packing so I could pack accordingly.

While on a conference call at work we were discussing face-to-face contact for the next meeting. One of the callers stated they wanted to physically get together so they could see me, my hair, my clothes, my style, and then asked what I was wearing. I’m not falling for that question on a conference call. Not again anyway.

Last example: I received a text with the question, “What are you wearing?” I replied, “Same thing as earlier, minus the jacket. Oh, and minus the wool panties, they were just too itchy.”

This evening I had the privilege of attending a fundraiser for a local non-profit.

Upon arriving, we were very pleased to learn the drinks were free. Assuming, of course, that you only wanted white or red wine or apple juice. Mixed drinks, beer and diet coke had their price.

The event began and it was clear they should have just had everyone pay their cover, have a few complimentary beverages, eat their meal, raid the dessert bar, pester the server for coffee (and cream), and donate some money, all the while listening to a funky local jazz band. Presenters are not necessary, people get too caught up in their conversation. And, we all know, once we start chewing our food, we hear nothing.

Somehow, in between chews, Add-ly and I heard one of the speakers discuss the importance of nouns. I don’t remember his exact words, but they were something like, “if it weren’t for nouns (chew, chew, chew, chew) ….spellcheck.” I quickly informed Add-ly that I do not attend such events to learn. I mean, everyone knows verbs and adjectives throw me for a loop. And nouns, don’t even get me started.

It was then that Add-ly informed me nouns were easy for her, because one of her teachers once told her nouns always end with -ly. Wow! You learn something new every day!

As usual, it was really nice hanging out with Add-ly and I quite liked the fundraiserly, winely, dinnerly and, most importantly (I had NO idea “important” was a noun), dessertly.

I heard a story today to top all stories. If you can top it, I welcome your comments. A man was “doing a trick,” which involved jumping over a broom handle, when he lost his grip.

 

Do you have the visual yet? Yep, impaled, by a broom stick. Point of entry: anus. 18″ deep. Wow. Major bummer. Those things should come with a warning: external use only.

 

Poor guy, I do feel bad for the pain he must be experiencing. I have a feeling he will be the butt of many jokes.

 

Bet he won’t do that trick again.

 

I googled brooms and found a few for sale: Quickie Heavy Duty Corn Broom (Office Depot) and Libman Angle Brooms (Amazon). There’s also a “gently used” broom handle at the ER.

Last night OregganO and I shared conversation and a bottle of Delicato Shiraz. As I always do, I offered her a lovely grilled cheese sandwich to compliment the wine. She respectfully declined. Ever since the last sandwich, when I upsold her and included the wax paper with the cheese, she isn’t too crazy about my sandwiches. That said, we didn’t eat much.

Thus, this “morning,” I was feeling a bit hungry. So, I decided to start my day off right with a corndog kids meal. Mmmmm, heaven. With National Corndog Day only four days away, I figured this was a good practice run. Corndog, tots and apple juice. It’s actually supposed to be Papsmear Beer (PBR), but apple juice tastes much better. Because it was a kids meal, I got to choose between a “prize” or a rice krispy treat.

I, of course, picked the prize and my life, as a single female, is now complete. The prize was a rabbit. Funny, no place/need for batteries and it is green and furry.

Fru Fru Pants and I met up today to workout. Never happened. Well, not really. We did roll down the window (yes, we have a manual roll – felt like a workout to me) to retrieve our delicious lattes and mochas. Next time, I’m driving, so I can workout my left arm too.

We were talking about coffee and I told her about the interesting experience with The Leaver and LA. You see, we met at one of my favorite bubble tea/coffee shops and The Leaver graciously offered to purchase siphon coffee for the both of us.

Nice gesture. Negative consequence. They will not add sugar to siphon coffee. NO exceptions. The Leaver likes her sugar (forget about the sugar, have a spoonful of me…’cause I taste so sweet…(Basement Jaxx). Needless to say, The Leaver did not get a taste of siphon coffee, instead, she had an Americana and LA had tea. I had siphon.

Being that it was my favorite bubble tea merchant, I also had bubble tea.

By the time I left I was so wishing I had used the tinkle token twice. Way too much fluid for me. This was my third coffee date, and it was only eleven. I’m a coffee slut. So what!?!?!?

This morning (actually this afternoon), That’s Not Chinese and I got together for breakfast at my place. Breakfast burritos and mimosas. That’s Not Chinese was in charge of the mimosas.

She handed me my glass, I thanked her and looked at her glass, which appeared to be a mimosa minus the juice. I asked her about it and her reply was, “yeah….”

As I continued to prepare the breakfast burritos, I was sipping on my mimosa and thought to myself, “This seems pretty easy to throw back.”  I asked That’s Not Chinese if she had added champagne to my glass. Answer: no.

Later, I was visiting with Alice and Hot Mustard and sharing this story with them. Alice reminded me of the time we were at the wine store and I told her I needed to buy some champagne, which I don’t really care for, because I had way too much orange juice at my house.

While chatting, Just Show Up, Alice’s brother, stopped by for an impromptu visit. Prior to leaving, I told him it was nice to meet him. He politely replied, “Nice to meet you too, Susan.” I advised him my name is not Susan and he replied with a “Susan” story.

Just Show Up told me that Susan was his favorite name to say because you could feel it vibrate and tickle against your teeth when you said it. Hot Mustard, Alice and I tried it after he left, all to no avail.

Alice and I started discussing our Italian class that we plan to take. It is obvious Alice is going to smoke me in this class. She has the “Invitation to Italian: Prego!” book and did study abroad in Italy.

We then started talking about parties and Alice advised me they plan to host a party this spring. B.Y.O.H. Yes, the “H” stands for hatchet. Hot Mustard plans to make targets and the goal is to hit them. We started talking about Arbor Day (because the targets are tree stumps) and the idea of dressing up like trees.

I told Alice I planned to dress up as a genealogy tree. She quickly stated, “You need to trace yourself  all the way back to Adam and Eve.” She also stated her aunt had done this for her. My reply, “So I need to trace myself before I wreck myself?” I have a feeling I may not get into the B.Y.O.H. party if “trace yourself” is the prerequisite.

So the other night my foster pet, No Action Jaxon, came into my room and waited for me to pick him up onto my bed. Being the good foster pet mom that I am, I leaned down to pick him up. Leaning, leaning, leaning, and then I just rolled right off the bed. Luckily No Action Jaxon has stealth like moves and was able to clear the way quick.

Looking at him this morning, I decided it was time for a full service groom. I took him into the local groomery and then I picked up That’s Not Chinese for some afternoon debauchery.

That’s Not Chinese and I made our stops at all of the necessary places: a few Red Box locations, the wine store, Best Buy (where Hal Itosis helped us select a lovely netbook) and the Busy Bee for a garlic burger. Paired with water. Remember, the story is that Jesus turned the water into wine, so we felt like we weren’t betraying our glasses.

We then got the call to pick up No Action Jaxon from the groomery. While we were waiting to pay for his service, we noticed several rabbits and rabbit supplies. I advised That’s Not Chinese that, since I’m single, a lot of people have suggested I get a dog and a rabbit. I told her I’m halfway there, I’ve got a foster pet. She told me I should probably hold off on the rabbit until I have a good supply of batteries.

I’ve been driving a lot lately and, in doing so, I’ve had the privilege of testing my brakes, becoming “familiar” with private/public partnerships, listening to entire CDs and cassette tapes (oh yeah!), and seeing a lot of signs.

At first glance the signs provide driving direction or marketing information. The more I see the signs, however, the more I begin to ponder, is a sign a “sign”?

Not one to read into things, yet, one to read into things, take a look at some of these slogans:

Available.    Actual Size Shown…..Well, All Most (two billboards later they spelled “almost” correctly).    Always Clean.    Convenient Downtown Location.    EXIT NOW.    Reserved.    High Speed, Exit Ahead.     I’m Open For Business.    DO NOT ENTER.    Stop Here on Red.   Stay and Play.    $1 to Start.    Others Talk Fresh, We Deliver.      Beaver Rest Stop: A Private/Public Partnership.

Something to think about. At some point in time these signs have all been an integral part of my personal life.

Just over a month ago a friend dropped off her dog at my house for an overnight stay. He’s still here and she hasn’t been back. Is this a sign? Am I really a dog owner?